I was sad because I let us happen.
Because I trusted you.
When missing someone turns to tears, I have to question if it was ever worth it.
Every now and then my instincts charge ahead of me, say goodbye to a dog before I think it is a real good bye, makes me have a good look around, makes me appreciate what I see because maybe, just maybe this will be the last time.
Who knows with you and I?
So we were nothing, then something, then nothing, then something spectacular and now back to something a little more than nothing.
You got me out of my rut. But now I am ready to shine. I am grateful to you.
The reason I am at yours so much is wrong. It's not fair to you because its not because of you, it's because its the support I need for another thing.
It's hard to let go but I have to. It's not like we are in love anyways.
And you want space now.
I need to find my own two feet. You dragged me out of a really dark place. I am grateful for that.
But in standing I need to do this on my own. Be my own person.
I get why you are saying this. Maybe you don't realise the totality of what it means...
As lockdown ends and we can socialise and meet in person, I finally said yes to a dinner and meditation session.
And yes I had to force myself to go while I was feeling crappy. But lately reading all these buddhist teachings, I just remembered that it was all just thoughts. I was in a down mode but at some stage that mode will be up or neutral. Thats life.
But I felt really good. Listening to the monk today and spending time with others who are just as spiritual as I am and having tea afterwards and bathing in the kindness and compassion, it just felt peaceful. Something I've been missing in life that I want to get back into.
Sure Netflix and chill and alcohol with R got me through lockdown. I almost thought it was it if it wasn't for his freaking out. But maybe it's a good thing we have. We like each others company but also have the space to do what we want to do. And this spiritual life and friendships - they bring me peace. A life worth living.
I just feel content with everything as it is. And a reminder just to focus on the present moment - not the past or the future. Just to make the most of what I have right now.
This too shall pass.
This time I accept things as they are. I still very much like him very much but my expectations are changing. Maybe we could still be friends.
Everyone must say goodbye to each other at some stage. And for us we just don't know when.
I had a lovely time with you. In some ways you tell me you want nothing yet treat me better than most guys have in a long time.
I feel like you bring me back down to earth in a lot of ways.
But you don't want long term and no commitment, so its a practice in non attachment that will probably be good for me.
And I need to get back into my buddhist teachings and meditation.
So this time it is not saying goodbye. It is enjoying what we have and your company for as long as it lasts and it still fits for both of us.
As the final days of lockdown ending for what appears to be the last time looms close by, i can't but feel a little sad to saying goodbye to a life i've grown to love in a lot of ways. A much simpler life focusing on a simpler life without the frills and come what mays of modern life.
And i wonder what will become of this new relationship developed in lockdown where we have spent vast amounts of time together, almost living together and accelerating something that otherwise may have taken us years to get to. When the outside world comes into our little bubble of you and me, will we sill be as close as we are now? As things open up, will our days and nights where we spend 24/7, go for our bubble walks, supermarket entertainment and netflix and chilling slide by or is this hear to stay?
And what of the unspoken? Are we real? Are we public? Do we meet each others friends? Do we lead separate lives? Or does this just evolve into something that is just so beautiful and innocent and true. We share a special bond with each other and a kindness. I lay in your bed, in your arms or even separate but i feel so happy and together. Where once i would have felt emptiness, with you there is no empty. My cup is full. The kindness and goodness in your heart shines through and i can't believe i never saw that side of you. The boy or should i say, man that has always been part of my life, always caring, always trying.
I am cautiously looking forward to happier days and where we continue to grow together. You and I in this brave new post pandemic world.
Only time will tell as a new day will spawn very soon.
Time flies and lockdown is almost over. I am partially looking forward but also sad for this new life I have built and in wonder of what life will be like. I enjoy being at his house so much, the flexibility of working from home and his. Spending nights cuddling over Netflix and wine and pretty much living life together and apart but always almost 24/7 for most of the week. Most of all, I have learnt to let go of old expectations and that we can actually live together in harmony.
We are both gentle and kind with each other in a lot of ways.
Sometimes I doubt but when you hold me close and do those kind things and include me so much in your life, then my fears usually fall away.
So the man that was right in front of me turned out to be mr right after long.
This time I keep thinking of gratitude than focusing on the negative because you really really do make my life better.
We have been in lockdown for a long time. I miss having the shops open, being able to go to the gym. Being able to go visit mum. Having friends over. Sitting down at a cafe and sipping a coffee. Having a date at a restaurant. Driving wherever I want. Travelling wherever I want. On a rainy day with the outdoors only accessible it is pretty miserable.
I even miss being in the office.
It's finding joy in the mundane that is amazing. To enjoy walking down supermarket aisles, to talk about what you had for lunch, the differences in the latest iOS update or anything at all. Just that it's easy and seamless and you come in and out of each others lives just fitting in quite nicely. No games or anything like that. Just reaching out when we can.
At some stage you will message. I know that. Because you always do. You are that kind of guy.
Yet the apprehension is strong while I wait. And why don't I reach out. Well I'm scared of smothering you. These next few days are about cleaning up my place and getting back on track with meditation and that healthy lifestyle I occasionally find myself in.
Still waiting waiting but in quiet confidence and smiling and day dreaming about you.
In any other year you would have needed to call, message or say goodnight in some way shape or form. But the more relaxed doesn't really care. I've given up on romanticism. It was a nice day. A really really nice day while we were together. And I no longer expect fireworks and longing when we are apart.
It tears me up a little to say this. But yet the guys that did all that had no substance. And maybe you and I hav something. Maybe we don't. Who really knows.
Lately lockdown has been so tough I have no expectations. I will take whatever you give me without compliant and enjoy it.
The time we have spent together is amazing and I had an open invitation to fall asleep in your arms tonight too which I did not take so you are absolutely amazing.
Well goodnight to you my lover.
So I spent a whole week with him and he invited me to stay for longer. We had some ups and downs. Actually I had ups and downs in my head. But in the end it made me communicate and ask some questions I otherwise wouldn't.
So it's just me and him and he's not seeing anyone else.
We had a lot of fun this weekend. In many ways it was a turning point. Getting closer, talking about reality and things under the surface and the sex was better than ever. But more than that it was the friendship, the laughs, the talking till 2am without realising, the cuddles and just being kind to each other. No games. No expectations. Just being nice and finding it returned. The smiles.
Yes sometimes I get bothered by things in my head. But I feel with age comes a lack of expectation that leads to a life much more fulfilling.
And its been effecting my mood all day. Up and down. I dreamt that he was really seeing this as only a fling. And he had someone he loved. And that's why we don't talk about things. That I was just that girl to fill around with when there was no one else. A placeholder.
He doesn't make me feel that way. But my moods are all over the place these days in between staying with him and staying at mine.
I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship.
There is nothing too exciting but yet the companionship and the care and warmth and stability is just as alluring. We do everyday things. We are really good friends. We joke around. It's not like some random guy I am dating. You're my friend and we hang out. And sometimes there are silences with no need to fill them. And sometimes there are murmers or hugs or the squeeze of your hand or nothing at all or everything. And it feels so easy and natural.
And I've started to be able to look into your eyes when we talk. And I like your arms and chest. I really really like them.
And your suburban lifestyle no matter how mediocre it is, it's good for me. I feel safe and secure and I like it. The days spent in each others lives and arms. Cooking, eating, working, grocery shopping and going for walks, watching TV, drinking and hanging out with your dog. Somehow that feels like bliss. I feel all tingly as I lie in your arms on the couch. For we brush against each other in the kitchen, on the footpath on a walk, in the grocery store.
And to think you were always there. But I needed to get to a point in my life to appreciate you so.
And now I do.
We are getting along pretty well. Gentle but fun with each other. Getting pretty comfy. Your dog likes me too. We are even building a bit of a life and a routine together. There are no games or second guessing. We make each other healthier in some ways and lockdown is much the nicer with you by my side. Falling asleep and waking up in your arms is amazing.
The way you hold me is amazing.
And day by day we kiss more and we hold hands at night.
And when we are apart how I long for you baby.
You're a quiet one but as I get to know you more and more, I uncover layer after layer of good qualities, generosity, a kind heart and gentle nature where you just care for those close to you. You have a simple life but one that is really really nice. The types of lifestyle that does me good rather than this st Kilda mess I find myself in.
I can picture a life with you. And maybe it's time to really let go of those images in my head of something more, something different and enjoy the feeling of something that is making me very very happy.
You are so different to what I thought I would end up with. So so different. Yet I love who I am when I am with you. You inspire me. You make me a better person.
So we have been hanging out. And I trust him easily without even thinking about it. And the other night I let him tie me up and spank and whip me. But I whole heartedly trusted him. And we speak about fantasies and share our feelings and we talk. So much depth, friendship and trust.
But we always knew. that.
and. who cares.
But I do. I cry. when I. don't hear from you when I used to. I don't need to. Or do I? I just don't know or I care...
I sent him a message and at least his first response will let me know if he is real or not. Because when we are not together even for healthy reasons I feel insecure...
Only time will tell what comes of anything if at all... and I have less enthusiasm, competition and what may be these days.
I want easy and what works.
Nothing magical.
I just turn up these days at your place assuming I will stay a while and you ask me to stay for longer. We have become so comfortable. And I have started kissing you because that's what I like to do. And we seem to be getting closer and closer as each day passes. Who would have thought this suburban life could be so wonderful.
I love that we sleep in and cuddle together and then a little bit more. That we make each other tea and take turns cooking and doing the dishes. We go for walks but we also do our own thing as well. You work and I work and it's easy enough. We play with your dog. And we laugh all night to comedy before cuddling and having sex.
I have not been in anything that's felt so comfortable and so real. So honest. So accepting of another man for the way he is. And not having those expectations I used to that ruined it all. Not even needing a future. Just kindness in the moment with no games.
If only I had realised you were right in front of me. Again another night reaching out to be friends and the man from far away is well far away but not capable of making any sort of real commitment.
Meanwhile my new man knows all about responsibilities. And we stay in touch all the time. I am falling in love with him.
I was into you for so long. waited for you. Imagined a life with you. But even as friends you don't stay in touch. you have legit reasons and your business and India is hard. but I am glad I walked away to another.
Sure some nights I can't come over when your kids are their. But every other night or day, I have an open invitation these days. I think.
It's hard to think a guy would want to make you so important. But I think with this man. He see's me as something real. Maybe never leading to marriage or all those things traditional but what happens if you just want to spend your time with someone wonderful.
I would love for it to be more but I need to accept that he will never commit, yet his actions speak greater than a commitment would ever make. Giving me comfort that we accept each other as we are and we will miss each other incredibly if apart without needing a random paper to prove anything..
And it was a sign of things to come. That life may well finally start resuming back to normal. I have booked my second shot in two weeks. By the end of the month the vaccine should be fully functional. And I can worry less being out and about. And one day maybe even be out in the world again.
But one thing is to feel relieved after even having the first jab and knowing the second is only three weeks away.
And then I randomly went to book a vaccine and it worked. and for the first time in 18 months I feel truly excited. That in a months time I will feel completely safe. I have never wanted a vaccine so much. But also can almost taste the freedom with a life I used to have..one more month..
Just to see how my day was. Just to say hi. Just to chat. To tell me you will use your electric blanket as the warmth of my body is not close by. For us to chat idly. And for me to tell you I miss falling asleep in your arms for you to tell me your bed feels empty.
Maybe we really have something together...
You have less expectations and fantasies. You live less in a dream world and more in reality. The sad thing is that a little bit of the dreamer in you also disappears. Without you even realising.
Somewhere along the way you get to spend a long time with a guy without worrying too much about where things are going. His cuddles and companionship are enough. I have missed being in the arms of a man so much. I have missed having sex. And the sex is pretty good too. At least when we have not been drinking it is tingling and magical. But even with the drinks, it has been pretty amazing. And most of all ever so comfortable to explore each other and talk about anything.
But at any other time I would be fantasising so much about something long term, marriage, building a life together. With age comes the realisation that you can have certain dreams but that they may not come through. That maybe that dream of building a life together with another person isn't ever going to happen. That you just fit into their life or that's it or they fit into yours. Somehow, somewhere.
But these things stopped bothering me so much. I accept reality. Sure I long for house hunting together with a guy and building a life. But that moment is long gone. So it's the little things that matter.
And it feels like we are something. But then I accept if we are not. It's no longer all in my head. It all seems to be heading in the right direction. We are an easy couple to be. Even though we don't talk about it, I feel like you express a lot with your touch and your actions and the whole hearted attention you give to me which is rare these days.
And you inspire me to be the same with you.
We are gentle and kind to each other. So lets see how things go.
Somewhere in between more than friends and less than a relationship...
Heading over to yours over some tunes during lockdown. This intimate partner bubble is working for me very well. I get to your's and it's already dinner time and already so comfortable. You cook and we chat. I do some dishes. we go for a walk with your dog and then to the shops for some wine and dessert. I wait outside because you know, one shopper peer household rule.
Dinner was lovely. You are so easy to chat to. And then we settle in with some comedy and that Netflix series we've been watching all along. And then we have some amazing sex. Waking up in your arms in lovely. Cuddling all night is lovely.
Working from home with you is lovely. The occasional tea. Having lunch together. Going for walks. Making you tea. And at the end of the day the post work walk and cooking together before settling back into mindless Netflix and sex and cuddling.
This suburban life I never thought I could be happy with. But I think that was because I has such a bad time with R who was horrible and left me feeling so empty and lonely. There is no lonely with him. He is so affectionate and reliable.
Sure we don't talk ab out it. But the affection and the rhythm we have and the friendship and companionship is real. And sometimes as we grow older, companionship becomes so important. Someone you can spend 24/7 with for days on end just living a routine life. And that you still enjoy it.
I feel this is going somewhere. Somewhere honest and real.
This is so nice. Safety. Comfort. Easy. No drama. No games. No second guessing a thing. We just like spending time together. Each others company.
Maybe this will lead somewhere. How is this so easy. To spend days with each other and no awkward moments.
Who knows where this will go. But we get along so well.
All these men I ignored. Thinking someone better would come by. Things are finally happening,
A simple good morning message just makes my day! And this kinky side of yours. I think I would love to explore.
It is so comfortable with you. We can literally live together comfortably. Cook together. Clean together. Work together. Have fun with your dog together. And most of all sleep, cuddle and have sex together.
How much better can it really get?
And it made me so happy. We are just talking normal stuff. But staying in touch with each other. But maybe it feels like the start of something. Something between the Start of a fresh love that will fade away or something that is strong enough to last the tests of time.
Only time will tell.
But I was so happy to see your message.
And I will fall asleep dreaming of your arms.
The way you hold me. With such affection and strength. We laughed and cuddled and talked so much.
Not so sure if we are just a little more than friends or heading towards a full bloom relationship. Somewhere in no mans land but I am totally fine with that. In your arms it just feels genuine, based on years of friendship.
Your back was doing bad so maybe that's why you didn't try to have sex with me.
But you cuddled me so tightly. you tickled me and we gave each other massages. We cooked, ate, drank and cleaned and went down you tube rabbit holes of stand up comedy and laughed so hard and went for a beautiful walk.
But this time your only an hour or so away. And already coming by on Saturday night. And I know I will get to fall asleep in your arms again. It was so fun hanging out with you. So comfortable. I'd like to have sex. I hope you try it on.
I need to clean my house and get everything ready. I'm really over being single. I hope to see you a lot.
And the man from far away is back in the friend box likely to never crawl out again.
I think you want to, I am finally ready after what? 7-8 years.
lets do this babe. I like you...
But you never cared anyways. I was never a priority.
and my new man. He's been around this whole time...
To have a man hold you all night long. To fall asleep in a man's arms. To feel beautiful. To have his body wrapped around you. To cuddle. To just feel good.
To look at yourself and feel beautiful.
And to reach a place where you don't actually get obsessed over his love. I would love for us to be together.
But if we don't it is ok too.
Still savouring the feeling of his arms around me.
So what if i happen to love two men. And so what if i cuddle up with one over fun times, you tube comedy rabbit holes and alcohol while wondering if the other is fading away.
So what if we never become anything. We don't need to be anything. It was just nice to fall asleep in your arms. That was just sooo nice.
I crave you. I miss you. But it's not like back in the day. You might be part of my life. Or maybe you won't be.
It was a random text. Come over for dinner and drinks, crash at mine. And seemed like a good idea. Someone i trust. Just the two of us. Been on plenty of platonic holidays and day trips. We get along ever so well. I like your dog. And after another lockdown i was craving some human company. Like quality company with a friend that's been around and has known me for a long time. Years. 7-8 years at that i think. And i said yes and i said i will crash. Knowing you didn't have a spare room and i didn't want to use your kids rooms and that i was going to stay in your bed. With you.
And you were a gentleman and we had such a chill and relaxed night and i surprised you by jumping into your bed. Not sure who initiated what but we cuddled all night long. And i saw the man from far away slowly fading away and you held me in your arms tighter and tighter. It felt so nice. The touch of another human. But more than that, once i trusted and felt so comfy around. And we slept in and cuddled some more. And you didn't push it beyond that.
We went hiking and then we went looking for my cravings for idlis and on our return to your place we spent a solid ten hours going down you tube comedy rabbit holes with drinks and cuddles before falling asleep in your arms once more. And we slept in that morning to make up for our 2am sleep schedule and we chilled and relaxed through coffee and breakie before finally hugging goodbye and saying goodbye to the weekend.
It all just felt so natural. We get along so well. And you held me so tight. And now i can't stop thinking about you. Because there is now you and the man from far away. But the man from far away is fading to the reality of you. Someone that's been in my life for so long. Someone that i lent on while i was down. Someone that checks in on me. Someone where it all feels so natural.
So i think i am falling for you.
Fast forward a year or so and fully vaccinated and borders open, we finally met in Thailand this morning. You got there first and then met me at the airport with flowers and then we went to our hotel. We hugged and the chemistry was there. Definitely there. We had a great time and kissed and hugged and i fell asleep and woke up in your arms. We had two months together and to work out how it would work.
At the same time i feel ever so sad as i can't keep living in my head. I have to let go of this fantasy and start living my own life again. Start being me again. A little bit of your silence in helping. But i also feel so directionless these days.
And when i think of the far away place where you live and the medical and police and all the other systems, i really wonder if i could actually live there at all. To go from living in the most comfortable place in the world to a place i could not wait to live as it was the worst place i have ever lived. Except that you were a ray of sunshine that kept me sane with your friendship.
I love you very much. But how would we work?
Your dad was hospitalised. You responded straight away. Leant on me even. Spoke to me. Relied on me. I am worried about. Your mom and dad as if they were mine. Babe i wish i was there with you. Holding your hand. Giving you a hug.
When I first met you, I ignored you and you persevered. I went off with another man and you didn't mind a bit. Over the years we remained good friends. We always got along. But haphazardly I have always let you come and go with many men in between. Sure you dated too. But in lockdown I got to know you more and more. To depend on you. To like and love you.
So sometimes I miss not hearing from you. But I need to realise I ignored you much more than you do to me. It's even ok if you are being polite and yet don't feel a thing.
I hope to meet even just for a holiday.
Lockdown has ended and the eerie silence is gone. But this time I welcome the banter and the music and the drunken loudness and cheery banter. The city feels like a happy place again.
To be a Melburnian meant sipping on almond lattes with the best coffee grounds in the world while sitting on milk crates in a crowded space to a hipster background. We were the sophisticated society of the country, where the women wore little black dresses and stilettos with red lipstick and the men wore perfectly tailored suits with Salvatore Ferragamo moccasins, unless you were a hipster yourself, then you would probably be out in a onesie and no one would even blink blink. You could be whoever you want in this city but you had to still make an effort. We hung out at the trendiest bars and restaurants, ate tapas from the Michelin chefs in hidden away desolate alleyways filled with trash cans.
We were always sporting, whether it was winter scarves in footy colours or hitting the gym, running a marathon or triathlon, heading to that yoga or pilates class, swimming, soccer or footy or anything in between and under the sun or snow. It didn't matter if we watched it or played it, mostly likely to be doing both. And recall those bird man competitions, they were a real thing and we all knew of at least one person that had tried their luck. We spent our weekends hiking the tallest mountains, diving to the depths of the sea, adventure sports and impromptu adventures in foreign destinations.
Most of all we were social; kissing, hugging, hooking up, breaking up, one night stands, long term relationships finding a new buzz, laughing, crying; but always together. Any night was vibrant but friday nights were a real buzz in the CBD after work. Walking the CBD was magical and the buzz in the city was just contagious. It was something amazing and special and you just had to be there. About saying goodbye to the work week with your colleagues and then catching up with your real friends or that date.
So much could happen between friday and monday that the whole city was buzzing in wonder. You always had a sense of excitement with only a tiny bit of apprehension for the world as it was on a friday night, and how it could change by monday morning for the better or worse. And we didn't talk of Saturday nights but they made all the difference. Sometimes mondays at work were a welcome rest with no one daring to schedule anything important so each and everyone of us could recover from the weekend that was and the changes to our lives it inevitably brought.
And back then we were no stranger to planes and flights to exotic destinations on a whim whether that meant an impromptu catch up for brunch at some secluded cafe in melbourne, on Sydney harbour or wasting away hours of our lives on a flight to Singapore for brunch at Raffles, as long as we could get back to work by monday. Life was one big fun and exciting adventure and the world was our playground unmarked by any global pandemic or illness.
And then the pandemic hit, and unlike the rest of the world that let the pandemic rage, we locked down in what was one of the longest lockdowns in the world. Just over four months.
And it changed us. It really really changed us.
We eventually got used to the long four month lockdown, switched our trendy cloths to PJ's or trackie daks or dare admit turning your camera off to work in your underwear. The women dropped makeup altogether and then men stopped shaving. We became scared of socialising and human contact, bunkered down and worked from home and began our hermit like existence. Some of us went down the freak health food and exercise path while others started an alcohol addiction and some of us chose a mixture of both and made Tik Tok videos about it. We learnt how to communicate with video calls and socially distanced lockdown tinder dates with masks became a thing. We vehemently opposed our government banning Tik Tok despite the security threat as we needed entertainment and a place to procrastinate. We packed away our old lives into boxes like we were moving house, but to a destination we may or may not ever reach.
And then when we came out of it. On the better end of the pandemic with all our freedoms back, we were a different kind of people.
We no longer felt at ease socialising, was happy to keep working from home, threatened to quit at the mere mention of being forced back into the office and had long forgotten how to wear anything but sneakers and gym gear. We had stopped trying too hard to be those trendy Melburnites known for their fashion sense and felt a bit overwhelmed after social interaction. After work friday night drinks which was almost our religion back in the day ceased to exist or take off again. The only boom we created was a mental health crisis.
I miss that old life but struggling to embrace it back as well. Especially after a second, third and now forth lockdown. Only time will tell.
Will we ever go back to who we were? Or have we changed forever? Or are we just not much more than spoiled brats living in a lucky country?
But I am being patient. Guessing he is busy and stressed. Maybe something is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong and he doesn't have much to say because he has a life now that lockdown is over.
I just don't know. But I can't keep waiting on the sidelines constantly reaching out either. In his own time he will reach out. The wield thing is we were having a really nice conversation.
In all this though, there could also be a girl in the background. Just as I speak to guys over here.
Who knows the truth really.
But lately I am realising that maybe a life over there is not something I could do. And I can't see him with a happy life over here despite all thee creature comforts. And sure we could choose a medium ground somewhere. I will be fine in any western world but I am not so sure about him outside of his contacts and the world he knows.
Maybe I need to transition to the occasional video chat when we both have time rather than constantly waiting for him texts which really isn't healthy. I need to get life back on track.
Go back to the gym. Meditate in the mornings. Have that bath. Go to Yoga. Reach out to friends. Meet up with art group and book club. Go on that date. Actually many many dates. And finally have a holiday, someday, somewhere.
And also maybe just listen, really listen to him. He never said we would work. It could have been a polite lets wait and see because he is incapable of being direct. That could be reality too.
Life is so comfortable. But stuck. Very Very stuck. I need a change. I can't keep living in a fantasy world in my head and checking my phone and barely doing anything at work.
To be that girl again. The happy go lucky one that had it all together. Unquestionable motivation levels. Health, fitness, work to a tee. Motivation and meditation is what I need. And the pandemic to end. To go on holidays and dates and kiss and hug someone. Have sex.
I want to tell you so much. About this storm. The ambulances or emergency services I hear. Watching the water and wonder if its a leak or condensation. But generally feel a little bit scared about this storm and get some comfort.
That was never us. Crazy thinking.
And my mental health. It's shit right now but I have it together so no one is really reaching out to help me. Nothing to do with you again as you are busy. I have tried to tell you.
You are a saviour amongst a bunch that don't care other than mum. But I can't tell her all in case she worries.
I feel really alone right now. Your messages are what makes me going regardless of how short or little they are.
I crave a world to fall alseep in your arms. How magic would that be?
What I want but not sure if the reality of the world means it could happen.
How did you become. such an important person in my life? How did I fall in love with you all of a sudden after a long time.
When there is a problem he doesn't tell me but is happy to share if I ask. He just gets on with it and solves the problems. Which I love about him. But when I do ask, he is more than happy to share what is going.
Just keeping in check with each others lives. Sharing things. Communicating. Even if just on text. Getting to know him more. Still fantasising. But with less stress in his life he is definitely communicating more. Something has changed. Something has changed for the better.
If you spend each night on the brink of tears waiting for a measley text from him. You have to think it's not him, it's me.
So maybe we did not hit it off as i thought. Maybe i talked too much. Maybe i wasn't enough. Who knows? Maybe he is just busy. Yeah right in lockdown!
I love you sooo much but it's hard living message to message. You have the best of intentions. So do you. I know you are busy and thats why we can't speak or call. But maybe you are also protecting yourself too. Or just too busy.
A lots of days while i endlessly check for message updates from you, i wonder if it is worth it. For 4 -10 messages a day without any real contact. We have maybe video called or audio called a mere 5-6 times this year. Maybe it was my working so late and timezones working out that we talked so often. I try to sleep by midnight these days and you are not yet finished with work.
I know life is hard for you. But i feel things are hard for me too. But i don't know how to tell you what's really going on. It will prolly scare you away anyways. In which case maybe this is all in my head anyways.
Sometimes i think i need to walk away or just be friends which is what you said we should be. In my head and heart i want to be more. I dream of you so much. We spend the nights and mornings and all day together in my head.
It's really not healthy because you don't even know about it. And i wait and wait and wait. Endlessly checking for a few words in a text for my next hit of you.
I sometimes just think i need to move on. And maybe you already know this.
Somehow, somewhere, sometime.
I need a holiday to come back fresh and motivated!
Well online at least. But chatting we got along really well. Time passed so quickly. Conversation just flowed. Feeling a little guilty and sad at the same time but i'm not doing something wrong as i have agreed with the man from faraway to remain friends and live our lives until we can meet to see if there really is chemistry.
Is it the start of something new? We discussed/debated and we had lots in common. He was also entrepreneurial. So much better to chat and meet in person than endless texting on these dating apps.
So you could say i might be at a cross roads in life. Something that could develop into something.
At the moment i am still craving for the man from far away. But maybe, just maybe this could be something too.
Inquisitive, caring and checking in with me. Realising he hadn't asked me much while he was super stressed. It was a really nice gesture. And seems to genuinely want to know and stay in touch with. a little bit more time on his hands.
Or maybe it's that he is not as stressed. But we are starting to talk lots again. And we seem to know an awful lot about the day to day of each others lives.
Trying to get life back on track. Back to healthy. But these days everything just feels so hard and unmotivating. To spend day in and day out just going through the motions and doing the same unhealthy habits and procrastination over and over. I really really need to make some changes to my life.
We didn't talk but we texted. Which is my preferred and comfort way of communicating.
We texted a lot until he stopped. Probably got busy.
It is part working out what works after we meet. Or realising like most couples our communication is shit and not being able to do anything about it.
I truly feel for him. Just not as excited as I was yesterday when I woke up.
And the other man. A little more interested than yesterday but still not as much as the man from far away.
Everything is fleeting and impermanent.
What does it matter?
And I trusted him a lot.Without being stupid.
Now you are stranded.
I don't care.
We could have changed the world together. But we won't. We will both walk away and say our goodbyes. Thankyou and good bye.
Do you feel nothing for me?
Are you not interested in me?
Do I add no value to your life?
Past determines my value add, bu I can alway improve.
But seems like I can't help either way..
But I did not listen.
But now I get it.
Maybe I get a few days of working it out.
Who knows
Who cares
I really really miss my first love
How can everything just fall away so quickly...
It is not about knowing. It is about feeling. For I think maybe you never felt for me. Maybe I never knew you. And maybe we were strangers passing in the night sky...
And sometimes you just know you are starting over again. The easy part of you and I is that we were always pretend and never together. I loved the man you may have been. But last night you showed me that you were far from my fantasies. ''
So maybe our dreams are over. Or my dreams are over as you were never part of them. You told me you were not. So we need to become friends again. Forget about the possibility of anything more. I need to start dating again. We both move on with our lives without a major disruption.
But last night when you were at that party rather than thinking to spend your free time talking to me. I realised we were not right. I am happy to stay friends if that is even possible.
But all those mornings I dreamt and the future I dreamt in your arms - I know does now exist.
So goodbye to you my lover than never was...
He has sort of crept up on me. Met him on tinder. Not forceful. But we get along really well. Very much life in common. Too much to talk about. But also very careful on the pandemic so slowly slowly. He is not my usual type. But lets see how we go.
The man from far away is fading away...
So I guess I have been dreaming and living with the fantasy you. But today you said you were at a party. We have not been speaking because I have backed off because I thought you were stressed and busy. But now I know that is not the case. You can make time for a party. Just not for me. It does not matter. I dreamt a relationship for us in my head that does not exist.
Maybe we can just be good friends. No expectations. But also he wants to be friends. So we will be friends. And I will online and tinder on as we are not real.
But real insight is I have been dreaming of a guy that is fiction. He is not real. You are. not making any effort to be with me.
So tonight I also stop. We can be friends which is always nice. We always have been. But we walk away from being lovers right now tried by me. But I think you will be ok with it.
I don't life about expectations.
He does not question me.
But reality and law does not change.
Maybe I am seeking the impossible.
and he know's that already.
And tinder is my only chance of dying with a partner...
I doubt we will work out even though I feel he could be the love of my life if interested. I just think I will be forced away from someone I love that wants to love me more .. and its goodbye to a man not interested in me but we could have been ...
Not you. Just the apps of our communication.
Because seeing your lack of response is hard. And today I know you took a break and you needed space over contact with me. But you have no idea how badly I am doing. I need to walk away from you and today and your comments were a realisation. I still love you very much. But I guess you are not. Or I am not meant for you.
I still have hope for us but maybe I need to start stepping back. To stop crying when I see some of your messages. You say detrimental for relationships and I am realising that. Even though I also think you are amazing.
Maybe its not us and I just need to work on local relationships that might work. Maybe the Aussie culture works better for me that the sub-continental one...
Who knows...but all I know is thet I am available and you can reach out but you don't but maybe that is a cultural thing that you can't. I'm struggling too.....
I know I live a cushy life. But I have been depressed and sad for a long time. And you have been a comfort. And I opened unto you. And I have been patient as life is so bad for you.
But I think I need to register than you consider me a close friend but maybe not much more. Maybe you don't confide in me. Maybe I talk to you more than I should. And just maybe you see no future with us even though I dream of you every single minute and day and daydream about you by my side.
Maybe I just need to take your. lead. Accept what may be even though you are what my heart truly desires. Things need to be two ways. But you are not wanting me. I don't even know you are interested.
And maybe there are others I can be with. Explore while you still want to be friends when I am ready for a long distance commitment when it is just you and i.
You are getting back on your feet so I will stay. But it gets harder each day.
I love you babe. But maybe you don't. And you don't communicate with me much. Maybe this is what happened with Dee and I. He tried to help me and I took him for. granted. But now I try to help you and you are taking me for granted. I can't blame you at all. Its all human behaviour.
Do I walk away or keep trying with a man I love that isn't communicating or wanting to be with me? Do I move on with some tinder men that are interested more that may or may not work out?
Reality is that I love you very much but the feelings are not reciprocated.
It's not healthy I know. Living in my fantasy world. This was what I did when I was a kid. It's what I have always done.
There were a few years of being in relationships where it all worked out. But these days you are on my mind 24/7. I dream of what it will be like when we meet. Almost obsessively.
We fell asleep in each others arms last night. And I woke up in yours in the morning. To your warm embrace. And it was nice.
I can't wait to chat next. But I also can't wait to see you. Hopefully both vaccinated and we start having options to meet. To consider a life together. A life I crave with you. Because this life I have, while it seems wonderful on paper, is not one I want right now.
It feels so depressing these days. Living through a pandemic in a relatively safe world. Watching devastation while only really slightly exposed. Hearing about the aftermath. It's all mostly bad news.
Will we ever get out of this? is it justified that we even worry when the rest of the world is in a bad place.
I feel so sad after hearing of the theft. And he is privileged. Imagine how bad the rest are doing.
But just feel down and sad and bad.
I wish I could be by his side. Hold his hand. Give him a hug. Not to help but give a bit of reassurance that its human connection and what we have that matters. But it is yet to exist.
He will work this out. I have confidence.
I wish I could help in some way.
To gently graze his arm, to give him a hug, a warm embrace.
A gentle touch between two humans in love can be magic and comforting when the whole world appears to be against you.
The man from. far away is in a bad place. Major theft adding to his stress. I should stop being so selfish and be more caring and understanding.
So much going on right now and the stress in my cushy life couldn't even be called stress.
To meet a man that is so crazy about me that he will chase me and want me and make it work. My mum had that. Back in the day a lot of women had that.
These days I case him.
Maybe he is just not that into me. Replacing the excitement of a first love with a pandemic filled with death and devastation. Or simply just ignoring him for another man when we could meet in person. I never even met to say goodbye in person. I was horrible to him back then. Disappeared in a flash.
Back in the day I wasn't interested. But I am so interested now. Am I just being stupid. Only wanting men it can't work with.
To be truly honest if you were to say you want to marry me, I would give up my career and move to India and see how it goes. Maybe I will work. Maybe I won't. But part of me will be happy not to. Or to help you out.
I had you on a pedestastal. No man works like that.
So goodbye to you my lover in me head. It was amazing while it lasted in my head.
I love my mum. My only comfort and solace and any love that I get.
Everything else is just daydreaming. I have no real connections anymore. No one to talk to. No one to see.
I am dreaming if I think me and the man from far away will work out. But also he is stressed and he is a great guy. But I think I live out the romance in my head than with him. It is probably not real. Maybe I am turning him into somebody he is not and its all in my head as he keeps telling me.
I don't know when this will end. When this random life during a pandemic with these lockdowns will ever end. Approaching the autumn or the winter of my life. And there is no spring and summer. They have passed. I am wasting away in time. I'm sad. I'm down.
I have moments where it feels good but I am living in a parallel reality in my head. I think I always have lived in my own world in my head. With men I connect with that don't exist. While trying to make connections with those that exist in reality.
Sometimes the movies we watch ruins you.
I have not been doing well lately. But good at hiding it. But feeling like retreating from the world. Just not mum as she is all I have. The man from far away is great but I also think I have changed him in my daydreams of who he actually is, albeit a really nice guy that maybe ten years ago I ignored.
The friends I have including the man from faraway - they barely know me. No one does except maybe my mum. Who I don't confide in, or but I do but such little, but she sees my pain.
I feel stuck in luxury right now. Trapped by wealth. Trapped by money. Living a life that seems great on paper but deep down I am just sad.
So very very sad.
But nothing is actually wrong. If anything it is my lack of understanding.
And he is trying to tell me that he can't contact me because he is actually busy. And I know what that is like. Like when it is realistic.
And so him telling me that is enough for me.
I stay in touch because I can. Ask questions. But its ok by me if he gets busy. I know him too well. Not the type to ignore me or play games. He actually is busy and kind of surrounded by death and devastation.
But his message to say he can't talk. I know he really can't. But also not trying to push me away. I think we have real feelings for each other.
I miss him. But in reality over a year before we can even consider meeting. The pandemic brought us together. If in a time where he was a few days away from meeting - I actually had no interest.
So lets keep daydreaming. Passively exploring other men. But I know who has my heart.This time is real as he knows too.
and I could tell him by text in my own way I feel comfy.
To check if you have messaged. I know you must be busy. Lot is on for you. But sometimes I think I need to understand that this is also all happening inside my head. This whole relationship that I have with you. I live it out in my head to indulge. But that moment of indulgence has gone pretty far. We spend so much time together in my head. Inseperable. Is it us? or is it past boyfriends overlaid on you? It would be hard to make us work.
Maybe I should let you lead?
Some days you feel in love with a man. But he stops contacting you. Maybe because you don't matter. maybe because he thinks he don't matter.You will never know why. but sometimes have to say goodbye. I want you so bad babe. but you don't want to talk to me a bout it.
In a really bad place. Just day in and day out. Everything seems pointless. In my head the man from faraway lives with me. We speak all the time. I fall asleep in his arms.
Yet I tinder and work and do stuff.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. But it can't be. How can I love someone so so much and it not be real. I feel the feelings are reciprocated although cautiously.
And that was silly thinking right now. He is in lockdown, stressed by work and surrounded by death and worry. The last thing he needs is my demands or me disappearing. Regardless he is my best friend. And perhaps that is all that we will be. Who knows.
I still day dream of him all the time. Picture him next to me. I will indulge for a bit longer.
I think the best thing is to say goodbye and leave. He knows I like him. but nothing matters or changes.
I need to walk away. Let him decide he will or open my life to another
Right now in no mans land, being taken for granted.
One more day and then I will leave.
I doubt you will even realise how I feel.
for the first time ever I have found a man I love/like. But we cannot be. We talk but I spend more time waiting for his replies.
I have to walk away sometime right. I have told him how I feel. It's all a hard situation. But it is unrealistic from the man from far away. Maybe also both too old to make things happen.
I will miss saying goodbye to this.
I dream of him. We wake up every morning together and old. I picture us both middle aged and really old because neither of us are young.
But maybe we are not meant to be. I want to see more effort from you. But I out too much in, you are stressed, the wold is is a much worst state. I can hold things together bu I need to know a bit from you!
I miss you. and every message you send me makes sparks fly.
I also love you.
I actually love you. and this is more real than before.
the only but is that maybe we will Never ever be together
That's what it feels like these days. Was a good day at work today. I actually enjoyed myself with some site visits.
I spoke a bit to the man from faraway too.
I was feeling a little sick.
Good chat with a few people and mum.
Just another day of going through the motions.
You were in my bed. and we cuddled and did a little bit more. But more than anything i was in your arms. I dream of the man from far away that now knows i like him.
Will i ever get to touch you? who knows? but my heart belongs to you.
Who would have thought.
I day dream about him. I think of him all the time.
He has no idea.
But the man from far away knows i like him.
And i sleep imagining i am in his arms.
I don't know how real that is.
But i can dream right.
and that i did. It feels good to get it off my chest. To be honest. To open up. To be true.
He was level headed. Friends till we meet. He wasn't convinced i felt the way i did. But it wasn't a no either. Just surprised.
Maybe we get closer as time goes on. I am glad to share with him.
The man from far away finally knows how i feel.
Yoga retreats are a great way to get in touch with reality. For grounding and opening up the heart. It's exactly what I needed. I'm also very much in love with the man from far away. And he confides in me as I do in him,
So tonight is not ideal. But I will persevere. I sense of happiness prevails.
A sense of unfulfilled desire at work. In time maybe my dissatisfaction will grow a lot. Maybe my mortgages will be paid off. And I can be wild and free. But this is the time to be wild and free. Not when your sick and can't do it.
It's right now to treat your body as a temple.
First date in ages. He was nice. I actually think I looked good and confident. Yet the sparks were not flying. Despite him trying so hard. I felt uncomfortable. Sometimes bored. Feel so bad for him. I've been speaking to him out of desperation. And now I crave a man I once ignored.
Minds can change.
Minds certainly can but I crave the man faraway who I actually feel we have more than lust for. For the first time in my life someone I get along with. Someone I once friend zones, just like with this guy but now I like.
What a cruel cruel mind.
But I miss that man that is so far away and doesn't know how much I have fallen for him.
After a tumultuous few days of feeling down, today is a turning point. I know this too will pass but I am feeling content.
Nice chat with the man from far away but I focused in on him than me, getting to know him, about what stresses him out, and also just having a laugh. I fall for him more and more each day.
Works also a bit calmer having told my manager about where I was struggling and asking to tune out of something and leaving it with them to sort out. I have my own projects as we go on.
I've had a lovely week staying with mum. Absolutely lovely. I was meant to be here for her but instead she has healed me.
And I have a date tonight with the man closer to Home that I have been chatting too. Let's see where an in person dinner goes. My heart is with another who does not know, but no harm in just an innocent dinner. I hope I am not being unfair to him.
One foot not quite in the place I want to be and the other not quite in where I don't want to be.
I am working from mums. I feel like I don't want to leave. I miss him even though he is faraway. I wait to see his messages even though he does not. Probably does not know I like him.
I didn't sleep well. I was tired. My brain a little broken. A bit deflated.
But so nice at mums. I don't really want to leave.
And the best couple ever broke up. And it appears I will be looking after their dog for a bit. But that's fine.
And I've needed someone to talk to. Mum is great but I can't tell her how bad I feel. How tired. I stressed. But he is in a whole another level of pain over there. The world in devastation. In constant fear. What I have is nothing.
I couldn't be happier to be here. And now I heard from him and it brings me happiness.
I wish I could tell him how much I love him. I see a future for us. It would be crazy if we didn't have one.
I have had the most annoying day at work. Getting involved in politics and stuck. Its annoying but my care factor is also close to zero. I have better things I can do.
But the reality is I just want to vent. To talk to someone about it. A partner. And I want to talk to him. Not to the other him.
And I worry about him too. What happens if something happens. He's still working and out and about. It seems so odd as I sit at home all day, almost in a self imposed lockdown. The injustice in this world is so unfair.
I feel so down about it.
I need to start meditating.
I like being at mums.
Life goes by meaninglessly.
Sometimes I don't like my work. But hate would be too strong a word at the worst of times. Yet I can't say it excites me.
I love teaching meditation.
I love the sense of peace and calm I get from yoga and meditation,
I love the comforts of being at home with mum. It's really nice here. And nice to have company too. Especially when taking a break.
Next lockdown I will spend here.
I want to stop. And I sometimes do. But then I start again. I'm looking for that buzz. I don't even know what I get. If it really feels any different. Any more relaxed. I get a better buzz from a message from him. But then I think of all the devastation in the world. And then this luxury easy life I lead. And the inequality. And then that its. I start again.
So I've been speaking to a guy lately. On the phone. He seems alright. We call quite often. He is keen but I have been a tad busy to meet up. Mostly because of the way I look these days. I always feel like I need to lose some weight to truly really move on with my life. I am yet again on day three and starting to feel better albeit tired due to the insomnia.
It's also that my heart is with another. Another that does not know. That I almost had the guts to tell. One I live in a dreamland with like he is beside me. One that is stopping me from moving forward with anything. Something that is wonderful but heart wrenching at the same time.
I'm living a fairytale romance in my head. And the other day I almost told you. But you got busy and the call dropped out. And now I've lost my nerve. And it feels impossible and yet so real. And your in a place of devastation.
I am in a place of devastation watching your devastation.
Life seems impossible in a pandemic despite this cushy life. I actually had a nice day with mum and cat. Nice meals, a fancy haircut. It was a nice day. But was also feeling down.
Sometimes I think to turn this around I really need to delete the news and the social media. To really limit wasting so much time. Time I should be enjoying each moment, meditating, resting, sleeping, gym, eating healthy, meeting someone realistic, spending more time with mum without the phone.
The devastation I can't do anything about. I need to get out of this rut.
And just like that reality comes back. He has a life. I have a life. He might have a new girl in his life. I suspect that but he has not told me. Actually we don't video call anymore. Just the occasional facebook message. I can feel us slipping away. The excitement for what could be.
Our worlds are just so far apart. And i didn't appreciate you when ten years ago when we had the chance for something more.
So goodbye my lover that never was. We will also never be.
