I'm off to Rehab

 I never thought i would be that person. But now i am. ineed it as a circuit breaker.

Can you be a man

 Everything was great with us. Even when things went wrong, we fixed it. But then it all went wrong.

Are you a man or a boy? 

If you man and mean what you say you would come after me. 

But you are just a boy. You walk away from something that was working.

Is this the end?

7 billion ppl in the world

 And i have to fall for the one i can't be with. But I need a man, not a boy. You might want me as well but you don't know how to make it happen. I miss you a lot but if you can't be a man and take control, I can't do anything about it. I'll be in the country somewhere today, on my own. Come find me in woodend. I'll be on my own.

that time

 The picnic in warburton. I will never forget it.

I crave to see you

 I miss you. I hope you come back to me.

Spiraling out of control

 There are too many men. One my heart sings for that i can't be with. The others are just a distraction. The way his eyes lit up when i turned around and that hug, his warm embrace and that we can look each other in the eyes. Running after me and the fact that i can walk up and hug him.He is everything i want in a man.

I saw him last night

He told me to come over. And then he was not so sure. And i came back home. 

It was so clear about you and I

 The way you ran after me. That look in your eyes. The warm embrace you risked even in uniform. How good you looked. The way you smile when you see me. You can't help it. And its automatic for me too. I miss you babe. I want you to hold me. I want to hold you. I can't wait to do our wave and owl. I hope that happens.

In your arms even for a moment

Sometimes you meet the most unlikely people. Of the 7 billion people on the planet, you meet the one that you cannot be with. And yet you saw me walk past and ran after me. And i turned around wondering who was calling my name. Our eyes locked, you stopped running and we both smiled. You were in uniform but i walked to you and we hugged just for a moment.  We only spoke a moment but you had a glisten and a big smile that i have always loved and recall. 

And we went our own ways. You got in touch in text and we spoke about the great times. It's nice to know you think fondly of our time together. So i will see you after the dust settles.  I'll wait for you to make our owl. 

Maybe we get our second chance.  Maybe we stay friends. Maybe it disappears into nothing. 

All i know is that i miss you. It was great hearing from you. I daydream about you.

Sometimes you just need to feel lucky that we got the chance to experience what we did even if for a moment. 

Lessons learnt and turning point in life

 All is in order. A few mpre things to clear out. Do my taxes. Get done with this court case. Understand the implications. Get this assignment and exam done. And next month its a new me and we get on with things. Fix up the car and get in touch with my friends and move on with life. Hang out with mum more consistently.

Fire fighters

 Why am i meeting and connecting with them? To the extent where my friend says of all the emergency services i should go for ambo's. But it wasn't intentional. They were just good looking and i swiped right and they happened to be police or fire fighters.

Our chats bring a smile to my face

Conversation flows freely. You are so easy to talk to. You motivate me. We have so much in common. The hours just fly by as we talk. We ignore the rest of the world until we can't. I feel like being a better fitter version of me when I speak to you.  I'm really really looking forward to seeing you in person. To get a hug on that first meeting. To lock eyes with you. 

That new him bringing a smile to my face

 I still can't believe we spoke for 12 hours through the night. Sure i couldn't sleep. But what a lovely conversation. And we have stayed in touch daily. I love how we could be so honest from the start. I can't wait to meet you in person. 

I keep telling myself to take it slow this time. Temptation is hard when you look like the way you do and your communication skills are a blast. 

I can't wait to meet you in person. 

As you start fading away from my head

 I do still miss you. Those moments. The touch of you. cuddling up. The way you brushed my hair aside and rang your fingers through it. Staring into your eyes and touching your face. Holding your hand while we cuddled, while you grabbed my hand while we were crossing the road, while you were driving, and all those time we shared a little squeeze of the hand while locking eyes and a smile and how gentle you were with me, the perfect gentlemen, opening doors, gently grazing your hand over my lower back gently as we spend time together.  When you told me to come down so i could see you in your car and uniform and you looked so cute and we locked eyes wanting to at least touch hands but we both new we couldn't. 

I know it's over. I prolly won't see you again even if the chance arose. It's broken beyond repair. And rather than making it worse, I would love to hold onto these memories which bring a smile to my face when I think of you.

And all those plans we had. Those hikes, getting me that leather jacket and helmet so I can go for a ride on your bike, The pasta you were meant to make me, that bike ride we spoke about, that you were meant to take me for a drive in my car, the time I was going to spend at yours, that run I was going to join you for, that african restaurant we were going to try. I'll live them out in my head and i'll smile while having those good times. 

My memory of you will always be of fondness and a smile.  You were one of the loveliest humans i have ever met.  I'm sorry it had to come crashing down on us the way it did. 

That turning point

 It took a while to get used to and come to terms. It was a shock at first. But slowly i am coming to turns with it. Mums bday, a haircut, a few nice walks, thinking through a plan now that i have certainty in place. Things finally feel like they are under control in a way it hasn't felt like in months.

Sometimes no matter how bad the news is, it's the uncertainty that gets to you. I would rather bad news that spiral out of control in a pool of uncertainty.

I know where I stand. It's a relief. Time to take stock of this situation and just get on with life. Make the most of what I have.

And things always change. So maybe this new change will bring some good things my way. Who knows? I might even look at this and think this was the best thing that ever happened. It's about moving forward and not trying to clutch onto the past. Not looking for what used to be but look forward and embrace the new opportunities right in front of me. 

So with starry eyes, an open heart, a new haircut and in wonder about where life will take me, I will let things unfold as they come. With hope in my eyes and heart. 

Because that just who I am and it's never gone wrong by doing that. 

Really sad about our lion

 Its slow going

We made a great team together

 Between you and me, everything was perfect until it wasnt

I miss the other you

 The one i spoke to everyday.

It was meant to be our lion

 But it's mine now. You said we would do him together. You lied.

Those moments

 When you put your arms around and brought me close and your eyes were darting around, i new you were being protective of me. But in your arms i felt so safe.

Our lion

 Im doing it without you

You disappointed me

 I thought it was different with us

That one day that changed my world

 What actually happened? How did i end up there?

Why won't you leave my head

 I can't get you out. All i want is to have you in my bed again.

I can't get you out of my head

 The nights we spent together.  What we did during the night. Rubbing your back and you loving it. The way you touched me. The songs.  Waking up in your arms. Hugging. Then looking deep into your eyes while caressing your face. Cooking you breakfast. That last goodbye. 

Romantic fatalism

 The longing for destiny is nowhere stronger than in our romantic life. All too often forced to share a bed with those that cannot fathom our soul.  Can we not be excused ( contrary to rules of of our enlightened age) that one day we are fated to run into the man or women of our dreams? Can we not be allowed a certain superstitious faith that we will ultimately locate a creature who can appease our painful yearnings? Though our prayers may never be answered , though they may be no end to relationships marked by mutual incomprohension, if the heavens took pity on us, then can we really be expected to attribute our encounter with our prince or princess to a mere coincidince?Or can we not for once  escape logic and read it nothing other than a romantic destiny?

Not my words but i connect with this so much right now....

Maybe i trust people too much

 Advice from someone i really liked in combination with dating the wrong men.

So sad about what happened with us

 It could of being amazing. I still remember rubbing your back.

Another life advice from my former self

 What i wrote a while back

Travelling is liberating. Their is a realisation when travelling that opportunities are endless. Boundaries are breakable, and time is infinite. Travellibg, just taking the first step changes your life forever.You leave your comfort zone and venture into the unknown worldthat will expand your mind, change your perceptions and you will never be the same again.

what went wrong

 Who knows. but i feel like crying and everything is a mess

Cant stop thinking about you

 That coffee, that long drive where we held hands and had the picnic, the food i made for you which i spent so much time on and the magical nights we had. I'm sad it's over.

Messages from a younger me

 Some things i wrote maybe 15 years ago. Usually wisdom comes with age but it seems who i used to be is more helpful. This advice is what is keeping me going.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore, dream, Discover.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Great spirits have encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.

You create your opportunities by asking for them.

Opportunity is missed by most people as it's dressed in overalls and looks like work.

And above all , watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe the magic will never find it.

When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that change your life forever.

Integrity is the essense of everything successful.

Difficulties are stepping stones to success.

Successful people are simply people who learn to solve their problems. They are not people without problems.

The successful people of this world take life as it comes. They just go out and deal with the world as it is.

Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognised a problem and turned it into an opportunity.

You can be discouraged by failure...or you can learn from it, so go ahead and make mistakes, make all you can because thats where you will find success on the far side.

Initiative is doing the right thing without being told.

The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself.

Im am not sure what went wrong

 I feel like i've done everything right my whole life. I got warned about the guy i was dating. Im not sure what is going. Dating a Police officer was the worst decision ever. Should have listened to my friends.

Only a few days ago i was so happy

We went on picnics, he held my hand during a long drive, i made all the food that he loved to eat. He was perfect. We did jigsaw puzzles and made him coffee and for some reason he loved coke zero so i made sure it was always in my fridge.And then he disappeared on me. 

Do i just listen to my mum

 She is telling me to take a break. To travel with her to anywhere in the world. Italy, Sri lanka, Canada anywhere. We can stay with family or any five star hotel of our liking. No restrictions. Anything that will help. I'm still not sure why i am so unhappy and sad. And why i don't just say yes and go somewhere. i know life has gifted me with too much. I should be happy. I'm just grateful to have a choice but not acting.

Some things just happen

 Somewhere along the way things got derailed badly

Life as you get older

 Shit happens. You wake up early because you cant sleep and do a 6km run. A bit of a high but right now i just feel really let down with a man i trusted. Nothing to be surprised about but i thought he was different. No man is ever going to treat you right.

The new normal

 So life starts spiralling sometimes. Some good things happen but thats fine. But you finally meet a man you can hold hands with and look in the eyes but he disappears on you when you need support for the first time in your life. i trusted him and let him in. We had a magic time of roadtrips, picnics, jigsaw puzzles and falling asleep, hugging and looking into his eyes. I never thought he would disapear.  I think he was the nicest guy i have ever met and was crazy about him. I just wish he would call. But i guess its normal for people to let you down. It seems normal these days.