Monday, June 21, 2021

Today in my head we met in Thailand

Fast forward a year or so and fully vaccinated and borders open, we finally met in Thailand this morning. You got there first and then met me at the airport with flowers and then we went to our hotel. We hugged and the chemistry was there. Definitely there. We had a great time and kissed and hugged and i fell asleep and woke up in your arms. We had two months together and to work out how it would work.

At the same time i feel ever so sad as i can't keep living in my head. I have to let go of this fantasy and start living my own life again. Start being me again. A little bit of your silence in helping. But i also feel so directionless these days. 

And when i think of the far away place where you live and the medical and police and all the other systems, i really wonder if i could actually live there at all. To go from living in the most comfortable place in the world to a place i could not wait to live as it was the worst place i have ever lived. Except that you were a ray of sunshine that kept me sane with your friendship. 

I love you very much. But how would we work?


Friday, June 11, 2021

And once again you had a reason

Your dad was hospitalised. You responded straight away. Leant on me even. Spoke to me. Relied on me. I am worried about. Your mom and dad as if they were mine.  Babe i wish i was there with you. Holding your hand. Giving you a hug. 

Once upon a time you meant nothing to me

When I first met you, I ignored you and you persevered. I went off with another man and you didn't mind a bit. Over the years we remained good friends. We always got along. But haphazardly I have always let you come and go with many men in between. Sure you dated too. But in lockdown I got to know you more and more. To depend on you. To like and love you.

So sometimes I miss not hearing from you. But I need to realise I ignored you much more than you do to me. It's even ok if you are being polite and yet don't feel a thing. 

I hope to meet even just for a holiday. 

Welcoming the late night noise

Lockdown has ended and the eerie silence is gone. But this time I welcome the banter and the music and the drunken loudness and cheery banter. The city feels like a happy place again.

 

We used to be different as Melburnites

To be a Melburnian meant sipping on almond lattes with the best coffee grounds in the world while sitting on milk crates in a crowded space to a hipster background.  We were the sophisticated society of the country, where the women wore little black dresses and stilettos with red lipstick and the men wore perfectly tailored suits with Salvatore Ferragamo moccasins, unless you were a hipster yourself, then you would probably be out in a onesie and no one would even blink blink. You could be whoever you want in this city but you had to still make an effort. We hung out at the trendiest bars and restaurants, ate tapas from the Michelin chefs in hidden away desolate alleyways filled with trash cans.  

We were always sporting, whether it was winter scarves in footy colours or hitting the gym, running a marathon or triathlon, heading to that yoga or pilates class, swimming, soccer or footy or anything in between and under the sun or snow.  It didn't matter if we watched it or played it, mostly likely to be doing both. And recall those bird man competitions, they were a real thing and we all knew of at least one person that had tried their luck. We spent our weekends hiking the tallest mountains, diving to the depths of the sea, adventure sports and impromptu adventures in foreign destinations. 

Most of all we were social; kissing, hugging, hooking up, breaking up, one night stands, long term relationships finding a new buzz, laughing, crying; but always together.  Any night was vibrant but friday nights were a real buzz in the CBD after work.  Walking the CBD was magical and the buzz in the city was just contagious. It was something amazing and special and you just had to be there. About saying goodbye to the work week with your colleagues and then catching up with your real friends or that date. 

So much could happen between friday and monday that the whole city was buzzing in wonder. You always had a sense of excitement with only a tiny bit of apprehension for the world as it was on a friday night, and how it could change by monday morning for the better or worse. And we didn't talk of Saturday nights but they made all the difference. Sometimes mondays at work were a welcome rest with no one daring to schedule anything important so each and everyone of us could recover from the weekend that was and the changes to our lives it inevitably brought.  

And back then we were no stranger to planes and flights to exotic destinations on a whim whether that meant an impromptu catch up for brunch at some secluded cafe in melbourne, on Sydney harbour or wasting away hours of our lives on a flight to Singapore for brunch at Raffles, as long as we could get back to work by monday. Life was one big fun and exciting adventure and the world was our playground unmarked by any global pandemic or illness. 

And then the pandemic hit, and unlike the rest of the world that let the pandemic rage, we locked down in what was one of the longest lockdowns in the world. Just over four months.

And it changed us. It really really changed us.

We eventually got used to the long four month lockdown, switched our trendy cloths to PJ's or trackie daks or dare admit turning your camera off to work in your underwear. The women dropped makeup altogether and then men stopped shaving. We became scared of socialising and human contact, bunkered down and worked from home and began our hermit like existence.  Some of us went down the freak health food and exercise path while others started an alcohol addiction and some of us chose a mixture of both and made Tik Tok videos about it.  We learnt how to communicate with video calls and socially distanced lockdown tinder dates with masks became a thing. We vehemently opposed our government banning Tik Tok despite the security threat as we needed entertainment and a place to procrastinate. We packed away our old lives into boxes like we were moving house, but to a destination we may or may not ever reach.

And then when we came out of it. On the better end of the pandemic with all our freedoms back, we were a different kind of people. 

We no longer felt at ease socialising, was happy to keep working from home,  threatened to quit at the mere mention of being forced back into the office and had long forgotten how to wear anything but sneakers and gym gear. We had stopped trying too hard to be those trendy Melburnites known for their fashion sense and felt a bit overwhelmed after social interaction.  After work friday night drinks which was almost our religion back in the day ceased to exist or take off again.  The only boom we created was a mental health crisis.

I miss that old life but struggling to embrace it back as well. Especially after a second, third and now forth lockdown. Only time will tell. 

Will we ever go back to who we were? Or have we changed forever?  Or are we just not much more than spoiled brats living in a lucky country?

Two days without hearing from him

But I am being patient. Guessing he is busy and stressed. Maybe something is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong and he doesn't have much to say because he has a life now that lockdown is over. 

I just don't know. But I can't keep waiting on the sidelines constantly reaching out either. In his own time he will reach out. The wield thing is we were having a really nice conversation.

In all this though, there could also be a girl in the background. Just as I speak to guys over here. 

Who knows the truth really.

But lately I am realising that maybe a life over there is not something I could do. And I can't see him with a happy life over here despite all thee creature comforts. And sure we could choose a medium ground somewhere. I will be fine in any western world but I am not so sure about him outside of his contacts and the world he knows. 

Maybe I need to transition to the occasional video chat when we both have time rather than constantly waiting for him texts which really isn't healthy. I need to get life back on track.

Go back to the gym. Meditate in the mornings. Have that bath. Go to Yoga. Reach out to friends.  Meet up with art group and book club. Go on that date. Actually many many dates. And finally have a holiday, someday, somewhere. 

And also maybe just listen, really listen to him. He never said we would work. It could have been a polite lets wait and see because he is incapable of being direct. That could be reality too.  


Thursday, June 10, 2021

lonely directionless nights and days

Life is so comfortable. But stuck. Very Very stuck. I need a change. I can't keep living in a fantasy world in my head and checking my phone and barely doing anything at work. 

Wednesday, June 09, 2021

How to get life back on track

To be that girl again. The happy go lucky one that had it all together. Unquestionable motivation levels. Health, fitness, work to a tee. Motivation and meditation is what I need. And the pandemic to end. To go on holidays and dates and kiss and hug someone. Have sex. 

Who are you?

I want to tell you so much. About this storm. The ambulances or emergency services I hear. Watching the water and wonder if its a leak or condensation. But generally feel a little bit scared about this storm and get some comfort.

That was never us. Crazy thinking. 

And my mental health. It's shit right now but I have it together so no one is really reaching out to help me. Nothing to do with you again as you are busy. I have tried to tell you.

You are a saviour amongst a bunch that don't care other than mum. But I can't tell her all in case she worries. 

I feel really alone right now. Your messages are what makes me going regardless of how short or little they are.

I crave a world to fall alseep in your arms. How magic would that be?

What I want but not sure if the reality of the world means it could happen. 

How did you become. such an important person in my life? How did I fall in love with you all of a sudden after a long time. 

I'm learning a lot about him

When there is a problem he doesn't tell me but is happy to share if I ask. He just gets on with it and solves the problems. Which I love about him. But when I do ask, he is more than happy to share what is going. 

Today I felt we were chatting nicely

Just keeping in check with each others lives. Sharing things. Communicating. Even if just on text. Getting to know him more. Still fantasising. But with less stress in his life he is definitely communicating more. Something has changed. Something has changed for the better. 

Tuesday, June 08, 2021

its early 1:30 am

And it does not matter. I lover you very much. 

As wonderful as he is

If you spend each night on the brink of tears waiting for a measley text from him. You have to think it's not him, it's me. 

 

The new man i met did not bother calling today

 So maybe we did not hit it off as i thought. Maybe i talked too much. Maybe i wasn't enough. Who knows? Maybe he is just busy. Yeah right in lockdown! 

Somedays i wonder what life is all about these days

I love you sooo much but it's hard living message to message. You have the best of intentions. So do you. I know you are busy and thats why we can't speak or call. But maybe you are also protecting yourself too. Or just too busy. 

A lots of days while i endlessly check for message updates from you, i wonder if it is worth it. For 4 -10 messages a day without any real contact. We have maybe video called or audio called a mere 5-6 times this year. Maybe it was my working so late and timezones working out that we talked so often. I try to sleep by midnight these days and you are not yet finished with work. 

I know life is hard for you. But i feel things are hard for me too. But i don't know how to tell you what's really going on. It will prolly scare you away anyways. In which case maybe this is all in my head anyways.

Sometimes i think i need to walk away or just be friends which is what you said we should be. In my head and heart i want to be more. I dream of you so much. We spend the nights and mornings and all day together in my head.

It's really not healthy because you don't even know about it. And i wait and wait and wait. Endlessly checking for a few words in a text for my next hit of you.

I sometimes just think i need to move on. And maybe you already know this. 


Monday, June 07, 2021

Need to get back on track

 Somehow, somewhere, sometime. 

I need a holiday to come back fresh and motivated!

I met a new man

Well online at least. But chatting we got along really well. Time passed so quickly. Conversation just flowed.  Feeling a little guilty and sad at the same time but i'm not doing something wrong as i have agreed with the man from faraway to remain friends and live our lives until we can meet to see if there really is chemistry. 

Is it the start of something new? We discussed/debated and we had lots in common. He was also entrepreneurial.  So much better to chat and meet in person than endless texting on these dating apps. 

So you could say i might be at a cross roads in life. Something that could develop into something.

At the moment i am still craving for the man from far away. But maybe, just maybe this could be something too. 

Today he's back to who he used to be

Inquisitive, caring and checking in with me. Realising he hadn't asked me much while he was super stressed. It was a really nice gesture. And seems to genuinely want to know and stay in touch with. a little bit more time on his hands. 

Sunday, June 06, 2021

Something is changing

 Or maybe it's that he is not as stressed. But we are starting to talk lots again. And we seem to know an awful lot about the day to day of each others lives. 

Lockdown life

Trying to get life back on track. Back to healthy. But these days everything just feels so hard and unmotivating. To spend day in and day out just going through the motions and doing the same unhealthy habits and procrastination over and over.  I really really need to make some changes to my life. 

Today was a nice day with him

We didn't talk but we texted. Which is my preferred and comfort way of communicating.

We texted a lot until he stopped. Probably got busy.

It is part working out what works after we meet. Or realising like most couples our communication is shit and not being able to do anything about it. 

I truly feel for him. Just not as excited as I was yesterday when I woke up. 

And the other man. A little more interested than yesterday but still not as much as the man from far away.

Everything is fleeting and impermanent. 

What does it matter?

Saturday, June 05, 2021

somewhere sometime - he lost my trust

 And I trusted him a lot.Without being stupid.


Now you are stranded.


I don't care.


We could have changed the world together. But we won't. We will both walk away and say our goodbyes. Thankyou and good bye. 

Do you really really for real let me go?

Do you feel nothing for me?

Are you not interested in me?

Do I add no value to your life?

Past determines my value add, bu I can alway improve.

 But seems like I can't help either way..  

You warned me.

 But I did not listen.


But now I get it.


Maybe I get a few days of working it out. 


Who knows


Who cares


I really really miss my first love 


How can everything just fall away so quickly...

how do you not feel

 It is not about knowing. It is about feeling. For I think maybe you never felt for me. Maybe I never knew you. And maybe we were strangers passing in the night sky...

New Beginnings

 And sometimes you just know you are starting over again. The easy part of you and I is that we were always pretend and never together. I loved the man you may have been. But last night you showed me that you were far from my fantasies. ''

So maybe our dreams are over. Or my dreams are over as you were never part of them. You told me you were not. So we need to become friends again. Forget about the possibility of anything more. I need to start dating again. We both move on with our lives without a major disruption. 

But last night when you were at that party rather than thinking to spend your free time talking to me. I realised we were not right. I am happy to stay friends if that is even possible.

But all those mornings I dreamt and the future I dreamt in your arms - I know does now exist.

So goodbye to you my lover than never was...

The new man

He has sort of crept up on me. Met him on tinder. Not forceful. But we get along really well. Very much life in common. Too much to talk about. But also very careful on the pandemic so slowly slowly. He is not my usual type. But lets see how we go. 

The man from far away is fading away...

Tonight I saw the real you

 So I guess I have been dreaming and living with the fantasy you. But today you said you were at a party. We have not been speaking because I have backed off because I thought you were stressed and busy. But now I know that is not the case. You can make time for a party. Just not for me. It does not matter. I dreamt a relationship for us in my head that does not exist. 

Maybe we can just be good friends. No expectations. But also he wants to be friends. So we will be friends. And I will online and tinder on as we are not real. 

But real insight is I have been dreaming of a guy that is fiction. He is not real. You are. not making any effort to be with me. 

So tonight I also stop. We can be friends which is always nice. We always have been. But we walk away from being lovers right now tried by me. But I think you will be ok with it. 

A different life

 I don't life about expectations.

He does not question me.

But reality and law does not change.

Maybe I am seeking the impossible.

and he know's that already.

And tinder is my only chance of dying with a partner...

I doubt we will work out even though I feel he could be the love of my life if interested.  I just think I will be forced away from someone I love that wants to love me more .. and its goodbye to a man not interested in me but we could have been ...

sometimes I delete you

Not you. Just the apps of our communication. 

Because seeing your lack of response is hard. And today I know you took a break and you needed space over contact with me.  But you have no idea how badly I am doing. I need to walk away from you and today and your comments were a realisation. I still love you very much. But I guess you are not. Or I am not meant for you.

I still have hope for us but maybe I need to start stepping back. To stop crying when I see some of your messages. You say detrimental for relationships and I am realising that. Even though I also think you are amazing. 

Maybe its not us and I just need to work on local relationships that might work. Maybe the Aussie culture works better for me that the sub-continental one...

Who knows...but all I know is thet I am available and you can reach out but you don't but maybe that is a cultural thing that you can't. I'm struggling too.....

It is hard my way too

 I know I live a cushy life. But I have been depressed and sad for a long time. And you have been a comfort. And I opened unto you.  And I have been patient as life is so bad for you.

But I think I need to register than you consider me a close friend but maybe not much more. Maybe you don't confide in me. Maybe I talk to you more than I should. And just maybe you see no future with us even though I dream of you every single minute and day and daydream about you by my side.

Maybe I just need to take your. lead. Accept what may be even though you are what my heart truly desires. Things need to be two ways. But you are not wanting me. I don't even know you are interested. 

And maybe there are others I can be with. Explore while you still want to be friends when I am ready for a long distance commitment when it is just you and i. 

You are getting back on your feet so I will stay. But it gets harder each day.

I love you babe. But maybe you don't. And you don't communicate with me much. Maybe this is what happened with Dee and I. He tried to help me and I took him for. granted. But now I try to help you and you are taking me for granted. I can't blame you at all. Its all human behaviour.

Do I walk away or keep trying with a man I love that isn't communicating or wanting to be with me? Do I move on with some tinder men that are interested more that may or may not work out? 

Reality is that I love you very much but the feelings are not reciprocated. 

Thursday, June 03, 2021

I spent all morning in your arms

It's not healthy I know. Living in my fantasy world. This was what I did when I was a kid. It's what I have always done.  

There were a few years of being in relationships where it all worked out. But these days you are on my mind 24/7. I dream of what it will be like when we meet. Almost obsessively. 

We fell asleep in each others arms last night. And I woke up in yours in the morning. To your warm embrace. And it was nice. 

I can't wait to chat next. But I also can't wait to see you. Hopefully both vaccinated and we start having options to meet. To consider a life together. A life I crave with you. Because this life I have, while it seems wonderful on paper, is not one I want right now.