Another you goes down in dust

Dear G, you are going down in the history books with the David's and the Max's of the world, but you hold no space for this time i did not even fall for you. You were a perhaps maybe, perhaps it could work and we could be perfect together but i have got too hurt and carried away in the past to let you into my world - and rightly so as you disappeared without even an explanation.

Goodbye to you Gerson, who could have been something but will never will be.

Good morning to K who may reap the rewards.

I believe in dreams

Lately i've been dreaming about a little bundle of joy. She is beautiful with the essence of pure innocence in her smile.  She seeks and craves my love and i do the same and when i hold her its magical. I believe in dreams. 

Back many moons ago i dreamt that i tried to climb a mountain and gave up without making it to the top. While i would not admit it it came true many years on. And even in the lead up i knew it would not happen, for what reason i did not know. 

I have more intuition that i give myself credit for. I knew i had the job, i knew i would not make it up that mountain, i know that G will call, i know that, that little girl is waiting in another realm to become mine. 

I just know it.

The end of another year

Here i am once again, a year on, back from holidays, sitting on this very couch, alone by myself with my invincible friends.

This time its ok. Its been one big year. Full of friendships, romance, fitness, adventure, sitting back and relaxing, girly chats, traveling the world, making it and then some and just a few little hurts. Another year i can say goodbye to with a smile and another year i can look forward to welcoming.

A few months ago i met a man and for some reason once again i thought he was the one. He turned out to be another frog turned into a prince for but a short time. Another David, another M in disguise. I almost fell for him but this time i didn't. I liked him from afar, to afraid by the hurt from the past to give my heart away to a man that did not deserve it. It takes time to get over somebody, especially when it just fizzles out without any closure. Its sad but its time to say goodbye to all that it was.

What will the next year bring? Who knows?

I've been away for a month and sometimes life and the moments that took my breath away need some reflection. Living in someone else's world, borrowing their habits, their food, their mannerisms and what makes them laugh and cry is all that one needs to grow. Stolen moments of another's life to grow within myself.

So what have i learnt? That sometimes its nice to be with another. That sometimes a man, a partner or a best friend isn't meant to be text book perfection, that the unlikeliest of people can make the best of friends. Sometimes having a good heart can mean more than anything else.  Sometimes you know a good man when you meet one and it can take your breath away when you realise. He may not make any of your cuts, you may not even realise it at first. Sometimes for a moment in time i wonder if thats what happiness is about. To be with a man like him. The one thats so simple, so fit and adventurous, isn't interested in taking over the world, has that crooked smile and poor grammar but such goodness in his heart it takes your breath away.

A little bit of local culture

Tonight i went to the Tokyo end of year function. Everyone spoke Japanese except for the occasional conversation with myself.

Truth be told i felt completely comfortable in this presence. It was an experience in itself to see life beyond the realms of your own reality. That this high tech world exists where you can barely speak a word, where you are a dag and you mannerisms are anything but the usual impeccable.

Its great to immerse yourself in anothers culture for just a moment though. I love Tokyo even more.

A moment of reflection

I would never admit this to anyone in my real life but i have got the internet radio set to love song dedications back in Melbourne. Its a little bit of home in Tokyo.

Its a reflective moment. My career is working out as always and while i work away, i think of him and the many men of yesterday and the future. The world at my footstep, where do i turn? where do i look?

I check out his photo's, hoping i will see some truth or that i will realise i am no longer into him. There are others so he is not the only one. Part of me is even questioning how i feel. I think perhaps i like him, but perhaps not. That soul mate feeling where we were just meant to be is long gone.

But i also think that perhaps we have left it too long. The moment really is gone and its time to move on. And that new man. I have not made a move and neither has he. What am i waiting for?

Perhaps it's time.

Sitting on a ledge on the 25th floor of the intercontinental in Tokyo

Many many years ago when i was still growing up i watched lost in translation. I saw scarlett Johansen sitting on a ledge in Tokyo, gazing out, waiting for something to happen. This is an image that has been with me over the years. The movie captured the loneliness and despair in the ever expansiveness of a world where you are a nobody with such passion and truth.

Years on i am that business traveller. Over the years i have always thought of that ledge and sat on many a hotel window gazing out. It was never the same.

Now here i am in Tokyo, on my ledge, gazing out, feeling like time has turned still.  Its calming and distrubing at the same time.

Just as the locals do it

This morning i went for a wonder in downtown Tokyo and while all was commuting to and from work. I sucked into a local cafe and ordered a coffee and a toasted sandwich containing a tiny serving of salad, egg and tomato. I sat down facing the window in the non smoking window and just people watched for a little while, enjoying following the status quo for a change.

I feel like a dag in Tokyo and that is saying something. This place is all about class and until now i thought that i did that quite well. The women immaculately dressed, perfect heels and boots, beautiful coats, designer handbags and tailored outfits with just a little bit of funk to it. Even the three women who glided past in their bicycles were decked out in an armani skirt suit and not a spot of sweat or hair strand out of place. When i say glide, yes they glided past wheras in any other place in the world you would spot a likely scene cycling away in lycra.

Sometimes its just nice to be part of a city as it wakes up and to observe the little things.

Today was about breakfast on the way to work.

I'm actually quite sick

But i keep going for you see i am travelling in Asia and supposed to be having a wonderful time. I have much to do and not much time to get sick so its just an inconvenience right now.

I'm almost ignoring it really.

Immersing yourself in someone elses world

Today was walking the streets of Tokyo, getting to know the metro, strolling through the gardens, enjoying the rush hour and the people and the quirkyness of it all.

There is something magical about this city that makes you think you can step out of your own world and express yourself, even if a little on the edge.


I've always wanted to see what i would look like with bright red eye shadow. I did not even attract a second look yet alone one.

One year on

Exactly a year ago i joined my current company. Today i am at the intercontinental in Tokyo. Life has worked out exactly like i wanted.

If only it made me happy.

But i am happy.

Perhaps he was just never into me

A million fortune tellers could tell me otherwise but who really knows. Its easy to dream up fairytales in your head about a guy you barely know because he ticks so many of those boxes that the movies and celebrity figures we idolise have met as Mr right.

In reality it was all in my head.

He held my hand while we crossed the road in Saigon

Need i say more....

Lost in translation

I'm in Tokyo and i always wondered what it would be like. Its kind of like i am living out that movie, except there is no boyfriend on business whose five star luxury i am trapped in. Its me on my own and i haven't quite met another similar soul.

There is something about five star hotel that makes it ever so lonely. I have the perfect room, the perfect view and its all on a charge card to someone else. I'm looking out over Tokyo from the 25th floor as i speak. I have a ledge just as scarlett Johansen did. This is what i have always wanted.

Today was just another day living in someone elses world. I traversed the subways of Tokyo, not knowing a word of japanese, exploring Shibuya and Shinjuku. Its a busy, bolstering city with modern day lights and infrastructure and a touch of quirky cool. While the experiences are amazing that i get to have, without a friend to share it with, without a friend to make jokes of those moments, is it really worth it? What am i getting from this?

Your mannerisms were perfect

I love how you embraced who you were, how you respected your culture and put them first at all costs. I love your confidence and the way you carry yourself.

A new man on the block

So i met a man many months back and it was work related so i set him aside. A nice email, a nice acknowledgement of who he was and a great intellectual conversation.

But in the last three months things had changed and you had become even more powerful and the we met in south east asia. We were both their with a purpose and we could both prop each other up in so many ways.

The sexual chemistry between us was amazing but then we are both headstrong in our careers so taking baby steps. And when you held my hand as we crossed the road it was fireworks in the sky. When you came looking for me, the way you looked at me.

We could work you know. Your powerful, exactly my type. I don't know why i didn't see that in you many months ago.

I can't wait to see you again. My heart is flying again. I am smiling. I think i could love you if i let myself. If you let yourself....