Why do i miss him so?

I never thought it would get to this. That i would crave his touch, his words, his eyes, his arms around me. 

I miss him a lot. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes lit up when i walked into the room, the way he took the lead and i was by his side. The way he confided in me with his fears and thoughts, the way he asked for my advice, the little thoughtful things he did to make sure i felt special and comfortable.

Why did i not respect him, love him, admire him and accept him from the start? Why did i doubt him so much?

I miss him now. 

I hope you call

The worst part in my mind about you and i, was that i never gave it my all. I never admires, respected and loved you with all that i had. It was cautious steps for me, protecting my heart as i let you lead.

I stayed quiet when i should of spoke. I let you assume and believe things about me that was not truth. You never saw the fiery, spunky, spontaneous girl that i am. The worst thing is you never will. 

You have written me off, never knowing the real me. And really, its me that never let you in.

I didn't know how, i didn't know when. I wanted to be someone else to see what it was like. 

So i miss you now. So i miss you and wonder what it would be like, had you have known the real me.

Right now you have a special place in my heart. To work things out, to let you in, to see if we click. The real me and the real you.

I hope you think of me sometimes with a smile, i hope you miss me, i hope you call.

Retresting back against all that was learned

I seem to have gone back in time. I was developing for a while, growing comfortable with myself, not drinking, being fit and healthy, enjoying the quiet me time.

And then one day i find myself alone and feeling lonely. Of wanting company without quality. 

Its time for a change. Time to let go of the past, to figure out whats stressing me out, to straighten out my life and find the core to my happiness.

Easier said than done tho.

I miss those moments in India which made me realise how lucky i was to have my life. 

And men. How to sory out the men in my life. I think now is the time to venture forth, time to enter a part of my life once more where i want to throw caution to the wind and have fun. 

So let me make a commitment. From today onwards for the next two months of my life its just fun and games, nothing serious. I want to sleep with any guy i so find desirable, give those i wouldn't usually give a try and just enjoy life for just a little while. 

Because i can, because i want to, becuase i am free.

Busy busy busy

Sometimes its nice to be busy. It distracts you in some ways, it keeps the adreline up and you forget about those bigger issues in your life that haunt your when you find a moment all to yourself.

But at the same time, your running away in some ways, are you not? Ultimately one day one must face their problems. If one does not, it will linger on.

Be careful what you wish for

When i was young and a dreamer i had this image in my mine. An image of a lady with a trench coat, a samsonite suitcase, a designer handbag and dark glasses, hopping from city to city, catching planes as if it were a bus. I saw her sipping wine in expensive restaurants, flicking through magazines in the lobby of an expensive restaurant, sitting in a boardroom with a suit, hopping from one function to the next.

And then one day i became that women.

Sometimes dreams do come true.

And then sometimes i absolutely love it. It defines me, it drives me, it makes me smile with pride. Yet other times i find myself alone in an expensive hotel, missing my family, missing my friends, missing that familiarity.

Some dreams loose their glimmer. Or they become reality and one must find new dreams.

But in finding new dreams one becomes more careful, for dreams do come true.