The other night

There i was out with a friend, creating some mayhem, drinking and enjoying the night. Youthful yet confident from years gone by. Stylish without that tackiness from having been there, done that and having made it.

And i wasn't even looking and suddenly he wants to buy me a drink. And my friend too. And we kiss and we hang out and we have a great conversation. And he wants to go home with me so with a final kiss i give him my number, the hint of needing to be wined and dined alongside some emotional bonding and hopped in a night saying goodbye.

Will he call? Will he not? Who knows but i love the confidence and wisdom that comes from growing old. On learning to accept and respect yourself and seeing people for who they really are. On not letting myself be taken advantage of. Of not waiting for a phone call.

I want to say hello

So there is a man i am into and he is online right now. I want to see where we can go. I think he is a good man. Perhaps a little bit shy but a nice guy all the same.

Do i make yet another move or just walk away..

working on myself

This has been a new month in my life. Fainting and ending up in emergency really made me have a deep look at my life. About growth and improvement.
My career has taken off at a million miles an hour. This is the year that my social life will catch up and my personal relationships will bolster into dreams of happiness on their own.

The month in the suburbs has been nice. Enjoyment. Being with the cat has brought companionship. I've loved the space.

Tomorrow i return to my normal life. Still quite happy. With the promise of working on myself some more.

So i signed up for an NLP course and then saw a naturopath and went back to my kinesieogist. I am seeing improvements all the time.

Life is becoming ever so much more fullfilling.

Perhaps he was just a rebound

Exactly what i needed to get over a man that played with my heart. You've played your role time and time again in making me realise i was with the wrong man.

And we are friends, we joke around, you smile, i smile, we live our lives on the surface. Your cute, you think i"m cute, we have something but nothing with too much depth. Just perfect for rebounding off.

So last week i was convinced he was it. This week i wonder about weather the lack of emotional depth is what i want in life. If he was just the medicine i needed. That rather than stuffing him around yet again, i should walk away while he is not quite there.

He was wonderful for a moment. Perhaps the future is about friendship...

Tears

I poured my heart out to you, wore it on a sleeve. You looked me in the eye and told me you were not sure. I couldn't tell if you were into me or not.

I walked away not knowing the answers, slightly hurt but glad i put myself out there regardless of the outcome. I don't feel anxious these days. Just a tad of sadness but also happiness for allowing myself to be me.

We have not been in touch all week. You send me a message and then you disapear. A little bit of hope and then nothing. I had buried you away but you stir things up. But then disapear.

Whats the point? Really?

To a month of mayhem

Because sometimes life is too straight.

So its about getting too drunk and one night stands, its about stolen kisses in a lift, its about crazy endeavours, turning our worlds upside down and meeting new ppl all round.

I will look back in two weeks time with a smile.

Sometimes the pressure of being perfect is too much. Its nice to be allowed to stuff up. Who really cares?

a little bit of indifference

I see you online. Yet i've poured my heart out and told you how i feel. You didn't necessarily recipricate.

I check up on you but you do not say hello. You are there online. You just are.

Sometimes all one can do is walk away after trying so hard. You know how i feel. I suspect the feelings are not reciprocated.

I have tears in my eyes as i think of this. But sometimes when you've given it all, you just need to walk away and say goodbye.

Maybe i mucked it up

Perhaps i pushed and pulled and got a tad drunk and over thought things when in reality he wasn't really into me all along.

Perhaps i should never of said hello. Perhaps i just missed the boat on this man.

So it was lovely while it lasted and i fell for you. But i see now your not into me. Its sad. But its another thankyou, goodtime.

I'll hold you in my heart for what we could have been. I suspect the credits will roll long before the ending. 

Sometimes i still miss you

I thought i was over you but i still think of you. I remember the fun times we had together. I remember your touch, your kiss, the way i could fall asleep in your arms. Waking up in your arms and reaching for a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of your hand.

Remember us at the movies. When you used to hold me tight. Remember walking along the ocean hand in hand. Remember playing with your dog. Remember the way you opened doors and kissed me on the forehead.

Why did you have to cheat on me? Why did you have to screw things up and be so unreliable? We had something great. If only that had of been enough for you.

Would have saved us both some regrets.

Who to love

Back in this circle again. Fondness for a man i used to love. Wonder about a man that could be. Reflecting on the man that just was.

Who is locked away in the closets of my past. Who will continue on in life and who will be in that blissful future.

Life brings us many surprises. Life is beautiful.

If you want something badly, let it go

Part of me thinks of him and wishes he would call. But another part of me is a little more partial. I recall a time not feeling anything for him. Thinking he had no depth, at least not that i had seen. Wondering if he had layers.

But then i like the stability and genuineness he represents. His straight forward ways.

It would be amazing to fall crazy in love. But then its about realising that life has many options and that making life decisions are big.

Sometimes if you really want to know, you need to put it out there and then let it go and see if it comes back to you.

The scary part is that sometimes it just takes too long to come back and by then you have moved on and no longer want it.  Only time will tell.

It comes and goes in waves

At a funny stage in life. Plenty of choice, some real moments and little bits of sadness. The anxiety is completely gone, just a acceptance and respect for myself and seeing clearly about others that fit.

The hard part is facing facts

I put myself out there and it was taking a risk. That i liked him, that i was sorry and that i was there if he wanted me.

He seemed not quite sure. But my ego is not so bruised. Its a relief to be honest and to be able to speak my mind and to know where i stand. No more feeling anxious wondering and wasting time playing games.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to direct your heart in the right direction. We had a lovely conversation. He was genuine and he wasn't running away. He wasn't jumping all over me either.

And there are consequences to the actions in my past. 

Its about accepting yourself and wanting the best for what works. Its about having the courage to face rejection and let go a little if thats whats needed.

Waiting patiently on the sidelines

We had a good chat. A real chat. We I heard him out, that he wanted to take it slow, that he never rushed into anything.

The thing is two people are needed to make it work and its early days. Its easy to get blinded by love and illusion and the idea of love and never get in real deep.

Its about me and him and if we work. And while part of me craves a man, the other part wants to make sure we are right for each other, that we can communicate and get deep.

And then there is that man i met last night that i could get deep with. The conversation where i felt i could pour my heart out.

friendships and fun times

A sleep over with good friends, waking up at an unearthly hour to volunteer in the rain, cutting timing tags off racers buy, messages with a megaphone, the rain, the cold, the madness of it all. Laughter, goodtimes, talking about boys and love.Hanging out on the couch drinking tea and pizza, sleeping bags and getting deeper and deeper into our souls and making life work.

Sometimes on days like these i can only smile. Life is beautiful. Not sure where i am going but my personal relationships are simply true, genuine and beautiful.

Unlocking the powers of communication

I had another kineseology session. I felt that the last session was so powerful that i had unlocked a protection and acceptance for the little girl of my childhood that represents all that is innocent in my life. I'm attracting the right friends and men in my life, my relationships are becoming so much more fullfilling and i feel like i am ridding my life of all this negative energy,

So yesterdays session was about communication, learning to accept and respect myself and open up to others. The past two weeks with my new man has been a tad uncomfortable. I could barely speak to him outside of the surface. I was terrified of calling him and speaking from my heart.

But another amazing session and that very afternoon was a call to him and a catch up. It went well, or as well as things could. I got to say what i needed and hear him out. I still like him but really its upto both to see if this will go somewhere.

It was still quite awkward but at least heartfelt and real. That night i had yet another deep connection with a man, talking of relationships, living life with passion, not looking back and taking risks.

Things may not work out. But i am excited about expressing my feelings and excited to let people into my life that listen, love and grow with me.

Things are going well.

Patiance grasshopper

But i have none but i am brimming. I want to speak to him, touch him, feel him. I truly do miss him. We have been in touch daily.

Lets be patient a little while. All good things take time. He knows i like him.

I'm just a little scared

I miss you. But i'm afraid to say hello. In case i come on too strong and you stop liking me.

But my heart thinks your just as nervous.

I'm so into you babe. I wish i had the communication skills to let you know.

Playing games

Your online, I'm online.

I choose not to make the first move. Silly games. Not sure why. Trying not to seem desperate. Wanting you to be crazy in love with me.

Time and patiance. All we need. All good things take time.

Lets enjoy the ride.

Crazy in love with my man

Its new i know. But i think of him all the time. Thankyou serotonin!

I think he is wonderful. He is attractive and everything i want. Right now he can do nothing wrong. I only wish i had of realised earlier that he is just a great guy.

I'm loving the reciprocal feelings. Of not playing games. Of knowing he will get in touch and make me feel special.

I can't wait to see him again. I want him to be my everything. I want me to be his everything.

Me and him - yes, we are meant to be.

He knows my world

the way we chat, staying in touch daily, getting comfortable with each other. No surprises.

Its simple. I like him. He likes me. We care about each other. I think his sci fi obsession is kind of quirky. I can't wait till friday to see him again. I can't wait to fall asleep in his arms on friday night and cuddle to saturday morning whispering in each others ears.

I am only astounded by not seeing him before, what was right in front of me.

Turning my back on a man i used to love

I look at you and wonder what i ever saw? I recall feeling in love with you and thinking you could be the man in my life forever.

I look at you now and feel no attraction. I can't stand the thought of you touching me. I listen to you and wonder why i thought you were perfect. Your rude and a little bit wierd with some odd ideals that neither go with my values or show respect to women.

I fell for you because you reminded me of my alcoholic father. Except with different problems and slightly compulsive tendencies.

I no longer wish for you to disapear. I've just stopped caring. You can stay or go. My heart flutters at the thought of another man.

The eagar anticipation of new love

What it could be? What it isn't? Is he a good person? Is my judgement right?
Did that kineseology session do me right? Am i really protecting the little girl in my heart?

Its a little bit anxious. But lovely at the same time.

A little bit flat with work

The politics have been getting to me and its one of those moments where i wonder how much value i add. I'm falling in a see of voices. Being attacked. Struggling.

Sometimes i want to crawl under a rock and cry.

I know its not too bad. I'm on a hefty salary, people think i am going places, mostly on the right side of politics for most of the part. Its just an off day and time.

I'll revive back again!

He's lovely

And we are getting into a rythm of regular contact with no games. We are friends so there is no need for awkward getting to know you questions, just seeing how his day is, day by day. Talking about geeky code runs and the ins and outs of our days.

It feels so equal. Him and I. Friends first, lovers now.  He makes me smile.

On having simple conversations that trascend time

We are just joking around, having fun. You and I and all our laughs. I think your cute. I'm flirting with you. I learnt a thing or two from the past.

I hope we can make it work with us. You make me smile. I'm falling for you. I feel that chemistry and attraction and find you to be so genuine and gorgeous.

Playing games ... or not

Its that mad rush of first romance. Of a power struggle thats not really needed and the excitement of keeping it exciting. Of being afraid to seem too desperate to wanting to let him know i am crazy about him.

Of silent unspokens in a midst of fresh romance and the potential of love. Of a friendship that's bloomed over time. Of believing in the good in his heart. On taking a risk.

On letting him know he is the man i think of and the only one.

Its fun in all its anticipation.

Sailing to new horizons

Today i've been walking on cloud nine. Sweet anticipation of seeing him again.  Feeling nice and secure but with a hint of nervousness that makes it all so exciting.

Thankyou serotonin and all those other chemicals for putting the smile on my face.

I look at him and think he's hot. Crave his touch. Yes, he's been there all along but really, whats a girl to do if her brain has only registered a good thing now. And its not too late for he is here.

In my heart of hearts i am falling for you. Can see you in my forever.  That perhaps this time my heart is getting it right.

The familiarity of knowing you a long time, the stability of everything you seem to be. Finally realising that a good man is what i want.

I'm falling for you babe. I think you know it too.

The bloom of fresh romance

Its been a long time coming now but last night we made it happen. He's cute, he's clever, he's ever so gentle. I've stuffed him around a few times but he's been there on the sidelines.

And i got my second chance.

Last night was beautiful. So was laying in his arms this morning, chilling out and getting to know him. There is that familiarity of similar endeavours. Of having studying together. Of having made it in life but still at the start of our lives.

There is also that element of equality.

I'm just smiling. Its been fun. Its been exciting. I feel that the little girl in my heart is safe and in the right hands. Life always has certain risks but this one is well worth taking.

The bloom of fresh romance. Lets see how this pans out. Butterflies for now and happiness.

five words to describe the new him

stable, gentle, clever, quietly confident, self-assured

On growing up

I recall the days of insecurity and fierce ambition. These days i am a lot calmer, able to keep my head down low, not feeling the need to prove myself.

Been a bit flat as well. Over it a bit. I had my first resignation today and i learnt a lesson in life. Perhaps it was even a good thing.

flatness all around. For not caring about the politics. For the fall apart with a man i used to love that still works with me. Sadness for my uncle who has passed away that i will never see again. Sadness for the boy i stuffed around that i have finally fallen for.

Its not a good time right now. Things are just bad.

Tears i just wom't cry.

Feeling a twang of something

Feeling a twang of something Most of the time I feel all good – that I hate you and want nothing to do with you. But honestly I am aware of where you are and who are you. I look at you and wish I still didn’t think you were kind of cute.  I try and pick holes with you.  And when I find out what your upto I’m a little upset that you dropped me and that there are no implications. That your not even upset. Because in reality, while I am thinking of another, I feel rejected. If I had not felt the neglect and the rejection I never would have gone there.  But I have. A lesson learnt. And now I’m excitied about him and value trust and honesty. Goodbye to you but you have still hurt me., 

Appreciating your own

Appreciating your own I think sometimes you need to get hurt, get hurt really badly to appreciate what’s right in front of you. To get it all out of your system and see that the perfect life was with you all long. Stop chasing pies in the sky and appreciate all that you have had all along. I look at the Lankan men I know and the way they are once they have decided to settle down. The multitude of layers to each of them and the deep intensity they want in a relationship, that craving to be part of a family and a team with a girl they can trust.  Thankyou to a dickhead I accidently fell for, for making me realise that what truly matters was right in front of me all along.

I was in love with you at one stage

I was in love with you at one stage. I thought you were too. I couldn’t get enough of you. Even when you were playing around, I still harboured a hope that I could make you see me as the only girl. I was watching your every move, aware of your comings and goings around me. Now I just don’t see to care. I don’t even want to catch your eye let alone cross your path. I find myself avoiding you completely. It’s funny how feelings change. How you start seeing reality. I think I’ve stopped caring. My attention is on another or the possibility of meeting the man of my dreams that’s closer to my heart.  I hope you leave soon, yu were going to anyway. You are frustrated as you are. The quicker you move on, the better for both of us. I don’t feel much at all for you. I could walk away completely right now and never have another conversation with you.

You have no idea

You have no idea.  You don’t seem to be doing so bad, just a warped sense of what makes a relationship.  I was true to you for a while, you were my everything. But the neglect, the dodgyness on your part, the flirting, it made me be who I am not. Who I don’t want to be. My lesson learnt could be that I should of walked away straight away, but then I think, I needed to try for my sake, eliminate all potential that it would not work. I have not lost too much time. But really there has been a third person in this all along. Everytime you did not want to see me, I had a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen and a future to discuss.  And little by little I became closer to him and further to you.  And then one day I had a t-shirt o yours and I put in on for confort and then took it off because I felt bad for him.  I stopped thinking about you and started day dreaming about him. We speak all the time now. I’m sorry for pulling you through this. I really thought we would work. And now that I know it won’t, its not so hard to walk away. Almost into the arms of my best friend who has been there all along.  Have a good life.

Sweet Revenge

Vindication You still have no idea do you? But your wondering now? Not avoiding me all the time? Walking past to get my attention are you now? Well half your luck. I’m just not interested. I don’t even want to look at you.  And there is a man I am falling for.  The start of a sweet romance. One that is true and will last a lifetime built on years of friendship and reality.  And you – keep going with whatever life you want. Just don’t drag me down with you.

Learning life lessons

Its scary to think you can place so much trust in someone and consider living with them forever and ever, only to have them break your heart. The thing is I said nothing and got over you. And now I’ve walked away. You just don’t know any of this yet. That I know that your dodgy.  I can’t believe you still think your in. That you can get away with these games you play.  You disgust me. I don’t know what I saw in you. You seem like a stranger. For a few days I wanted to help, be a friend. But I see how pointless that would be. You claimed to care and be someone your not. Yes you have problems but your true self shines through.  I have learnt my lesson. This is the last time of being burnt, going for the wrong one.  I know deep in my heart who a good person is. I’m really starting to fall for him and see a future.  Thankgod I figured this one out in time. Could have been a disaster to accidently end up together for life,

tuning off

Somedays you just want to tune off. Slightly tired after a four day break. Letting go of something old that was not working. Saying hello to something new. Reveling in options in between and being that girl that everyone wants to be with.  This time will not repeat itself again. It’s about being the best I can be. ST was a time in my life I had to really work on myself. The problems were largely him but he made me consider where I could improve and really face myself. You need to get incredibly hurt for that wake up call and start realising the implications of nature and nurture on decisions we make.  He was murky and I walked away.  And now there is another. Someone gentle and one that adorns the respect of his good friends and the friends that I value. As excitement grows I will feel once more. I can’t wait for this weekend.

Tough one

Your back after a long time. Seemingly better.  Time has passed for things to be civil. It’s a hard one. We are both mature adults. Do I protect my heart and ignore you all together. Never taking a risk on what could be, friendship or otherwise. Or do I concede that If I were thinking of a lifetime with you, that you at least deserve a coffee to explain. I’ve walked away already but there is that inkling in myself to wish for you to have turned out to be somebody else.  I would never trust you again. You betrayed me immensely in a way I would never forget. Forgiveness is easy but I would live in fear that you would do it again and again , at times when I would need you the most.  It’s a touch one. It really is.  Such a dangerous coffee.

crushing on a man

He's lovely and i have stuffed him around and now i have decided that i like him. But i'm really a pretty bad person. I wish i was not.

I hope there is a chance. He is lovely. Life is short.

Sadness

I feel sadness. Sadness for what we used to have that is no longer here. Sadness for the man I thought you were and who you turned out to be. Sadness that I am too scared of getting hurt and your nature to never trust you again, even at the hand of friendship for I’m scared of getting hurt. Sadness for the fact that I really was falling in love with you and you were not. Sadness that its hard to see you around and wishing you would leave. Sadness for never really knowing the truth and knowing I will reach a day way I probably would not care to. Sadness because right now I’m not completely over you and am still hurting even though there is no chance in hell I would want a reunion. 

Life is short and precious

I got some news today. My uncle passed away suddently, heart attacks and all. Its scary. Life is so short and precious. The tears welling up ready to roll.

Its makes you think about it all. Of growing older, of not holding grudges, of love and family and life and living and priorities and chasing pointless dreams.

I can't remember the last time i saw him. But he loved me and saw me as his own child.

Goodbye to an uncle i loved so dearly but never got a chance to show it all that well.

Two months ago

All i wanted was to hear your voice and communicate and spend a lifetime with you. I was convinced it was you and i forever in love and life. Kindness and honestly.

I was mistaken. Your feelings never true for me. Maybe mine were not either.

I feel so betrayed. It hurts that i let the little girl of my childhood inside my heart be exposed to you. That i let you trample all over me.

I find it hard to figure out if i should be happy for you, if i should be angry or if i should feel sorry for you.

Sometimes i hate you. Sometimes a little part of me still habours something special for you.

We can never be together. I don't want you. Its best to leave it alone and walk away to greener pastures.

Its hard

Your back in my life. Back from holidays seemingly doing well. You had a go at speaking to me and i have pretty much ignored you and pushed you aside.

Partially about self protection. If i don't expose myself to you, i just can't go backwards. I'm afraid of falling for you all over again and ending up with a lifetime of happiness. I feel that the best thing for me is to be rid of you.

Part of me wonders if i should act like an adult. Have a chat. Communicate. But what's the point?

And then there is the whole part about you not being well. Something not quite right in your brain. Not enough serotonin and the anti deppressants. Am i making life worse for you? Do you care? Should i care? are you purposefully deceitful?

Things with us is really hard to figure out. Emotions and mental illness and protecting ones heart.

You hurt me so much babe. I was in love with you and you were seeing other women without a care in the world. I just question your honesty which is the worst feeling in the world.

Can i believe you? Are you a good person? Are you trustworthy?

Those are what i struggle with when it comes to you.