Getting your heart broken is always hard

They say that a guy that makes you cry just isn't worth your tears, yet they keep flowing.

Why do i keep doing this to myself i ask. I went into it knowing very well how difficult love can be when one does not have a home and the miles start adding up. When a three year relationship with a guy i loved with such intensity couldn't last the test of distance, what was it that made me think a 5 day holiday romance could?

Love is irrational and its so easy to get carried away by the moment. I've always thought that its better to have loved and lived, that to live your life afraid of what could be. But now i am beginning to feel that i owe it to myself to have some sort of self-protection. That i need to stop living life in incredible highs and horrible lows.

So one sunny day while sipping papaya juice and watching the ocean in Beautiful Goa i meet a man whose eyes convey the deepest of yearnings for me. With his emails and phone calls he woos me back and i find myself traversing through Asia and flying back into his arms for a fabulous five days of bliss before real-life beckons.

We make plans for the future, to spent new years together, to have adventures together, everything seems so amazing. That is until life comes knocking at our doors and his world spins with fashion shows, london galleries and internations business endeavours. I too am no better flying around australia, contemplating new careers, going out with friends new and old and entertaining the idea of possible dates.

Yet i still have a soft spot for him. I even call him. I haven't heard from him in over a week. He makes me sad and he makes me cry. I always figure if you really wanted to get in touch with someone no matter where you are in the world, you can if you really want to. So really, its time for me to let go even though its so hard and even though i crave him touch and the way he looks at me.

Once again its time to say goodbye. As one door closes another one opens.......

And another one bites the dust

So here i am in that familiar situation again, packing up my life into various suitcases, about to leave another life, about to start another life.

And again this time i am ready to leave. Having exhausted my friends, having not made many and having seen the very few friends i have made leave my life. The thing about travelling is that you tend to meet other travellers. Everyone always leaves for home. Yet i travel from place to place to place that even home lacks the familiarity.

So its been a tough few months but its been an experience where i feel i have matured, yet i think some experiences are better left alone so that you can do the learning at your own pace. Yes i am setting myself up for becomming a global manager, yes these experiences are pulling in notches on my belt as i become a corporate globetrotter, yet i have this immense feeling - Is this what i want?

Write now i am lonely, i have no close friends. Sometimes life is peachy and exciting, sometimes its one huge low. Maybe sometimes i want to be content.

Yet it hasn't all been bad, i just happen to be in one of those moods.

My weekends in Bombay, wandering through colaba, the markets, the bazaars, the exclusive sushi bars, casually getting into a can to stroll through malabar hill, to wander through a museam and enjoy a fresh lime soda. Those visits have been magical from learning to confidentloy get around India on my own to feeling the magic of a city which is so complex and hypocritical and beautiful in its own way.

And then there was those random business trips where i would find myself flying into Bombay and would call a friend and end up at an upmarket bar with a mohito in one hand and a papaya sushi in the other, laughing and drinking with my globe trotting successful worldly friends. Those are the moments where you pause and reflect on how lucky you are.

And that moment when i was standing at the ledge of a waterfall about to rapel down with only the rope as my life line and i fully connected with the quote on my strawberry outboud tour operators T-shirt "Adventure is when you say to yourself, ''Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish ....."". But like all adventures its the courage it takes to make that first step down thats the hardest, and when you push yourself off its an amazing feeling of accomplishment, to repel down the waterfall, feeling the water on your skin, to see the ground approaching and gazing out over the mountainside when time starts moving slower, that makes it all worthwhile.

Another flight took me to Goa. Now what a beautiful place that is. Beach, sun and a social life. I made more friends in three days that i had in the last three months. From walking along the beach, taking a boat ride along the backwaters to sitting at the beach cafe sipping hot lemon tea and papaya juice while watching the ocean - If bliss needed to be redefined that would be the definition.

And the unexpected moments of romance and what could be. That last morning sitting at the beach cafe in palolem i meet someone that sparks my interest. Lovely palolem, the sun, the beach, the seafood, the friendliness and the potential sparks of romance are enough for me to come back there, and so on the nonsical whim i book myself a flight back over. After my trip to the Himalayas in Nepal and a short look at the gangas of Varanasi. Now its at those moments that i really feel the excitement.

So life has been a whole coktail of emotions ...

As the Novelty wears off

Now that its been a while the frustration begins to kick in. The first few weeks were great with mini sphiphanies every second. Seeing a different way of doing business, exploring another culture, meeting people, learning new things, finding my feet.

But with it comes some things that just don't seem to be sorting itself out. I feel like i come from a clock work society and at times its a shock to the system when some things just don't get done.

The culture and fitting in, questions as to how much i should be me and how much i should adapt. The differences between men and women and the way they interact. Being here it really makes me realise the assumptions i make in my daily life as they no longer hold up.

Today its another day at the office and the details of my project and why i am here are still unclear. At first i thought they had it under control, they always had something for me to do. Study this, learn this, go on a customer visit and it was great and they were friendly and encouraging. I am beginning to think that its all somewhat of a distraction because there is no project. Either that or they don't want me to work on it.

My attempts to ask for something and draw up a plan once again got a wait. Sometimes with the Indians it seems that you just need to be patient and they will sort it ou. Yet some things seem to just drag on and on.

So why am i here away from the comforts of home?

Mumbai (Bombay) - A never ending city

Mumbai (or Bombay if you prefer) is a large city. By large i mean so large the meaning of "large takes on a new meaning.

Take the CBD of melbourne, create about 50 replicas, age them by about 100 years, add some random bridges to connect the replicas, fill with ocean, Add 4-5 beautiful modern building in unexpected places and fill every other place with people and slums. Then you have Bombay!
This is a bustling city which never ends and makes Sydney's traffic problems a dream come through.

Flying in it was a never ending plethora of buildings and slums - walking around the whole concept of privacy and personal space disapears. Yet there's beauty in the simplicity of life, in the friendliness of people in helping one another.

Having been in India for about a month now i think i am almost used to it. Its lovely and frustrating and rich and poor and luxurious and poverty stricken all at the same time. Completely in your face with ups and downs.

At times i love it, the experience of being here, figuring out how to get around and get things done, the work, my project, the opportunities this will bring in the future, being paid to travel.

Other times i just feel like crying, being away from creature comforts, every experience turning into a challenge at the best of times, the endless waiting which seems to be an integral part of life here, the fact that most things work some of the time and that its ok like that.

A process of self discovery

The last few months have really been a process of self discovery for myself. Trying to wade through the tangle that is my life to figure out exactly what i want.

And even today i was so confused, a web of uncertainty with so many choices. And the past few months, work wise trying something new, relationship wise trying to figure out what i want, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong. Family wise, realising i need to forgive and forget and be happy for the amazing support and love i get from my family. In terms of friends, figuring out who will and won't stand by you, realising that despite having so many friends ultimately the only ones who will stand by me through thick and thin are my family, and that i need to start putting them first.

I have realised one thing though, tonight has been a night of revelations. The times where i have been happiest at work i have known where i am going. And lately i haven't. I took some advice i maybe should not have. Be open, my manager said, but for me her strategy is really a drifters one.

I had a training session two weeks ago where they gave me a piece of paper and relaxing music and said think for a few minutes and write down your vision for work life. Mine was blank, i had no idea what i want.

And tonight, and over the past few months i think what i need is a map in my mind and a vision of where i want to be. Looking around job sites there was a random array of things that seemed ok but nothing that really struck a passion cord.

And today i saw something, an area that i have always had a passion for and a position advertised that had my name all over it. And the feelings i have inside make me think thats where i need to go, weather with my company now or with someone else.

Despite studying engineering my real passion is for analysis and marketing. Its what i have found interesting in the positions i have held and i think my strengths lie in analysis. The career path leads up to senior management which is where i want to go.

I will go to india with work, but after that, once rotations are over i will look at all options. If i get what i want from this company for the right salary where i feel appreciated i will stay, but at the same time i will take the best offer that is best for me, not in the interest of a large corporation.

It feels good though, its like my mind has been in chaos for a while and a chord has struck and what i want is a lot clearer in some aspects.

Another life to be left

So its almost the end of May and how my life has changed.

To think since my last post there have been so many men, empty sex. There's been three of them in my life since - each that i have been excitede about for a brief moment

And today i met an old flame out of the blue.

And know what i realised - travel does not lead the way to a stable relationship. Maybe this is why my life has been so empty - i am always ready to run away.

So i am off to india for four months -- lets see what life will unfold this time

When friends let you down

And so someone i knew for 8 years made a move on me. Completely unexpected, he kissed me.

And it was a pleasent surprise and with 8 years of friendship behind us i trusted him. I let him in, not just ohysically on the surface but emotionally as well. Because he was my friend, i could trust him, he wouldnt hurt me.

And how wrong i was and a friend can hurt you more than some random stranger, more than even an enemy.

My life is crazy --> work, sex, men, alcohol, dancing , tears

Lots and lots of tears