State of confusion

So our weekend away was good and bad. Sometimes I felt really sad but that was more about the state of my life, not too much to do with you other than your inability to commit.  But at the end of the day I feel really comfortable with you. Sometimes your lack of affection except at night when I crave it is perfect. As I get my space and your company. 

But the weekend away has made things more complicated and more strange and confusing. You are the man in my heart right now. Yet you are not available.

And I start pushing away from the other man, he appears even more keen.Yet I am starting to doubt if I like either of them.

Maybe this new medication was the miracle I needed.

One Last Trip

This is our moment to find those final answers. Going away one more time before walking away. You already sounded angry.  Things have not been good with us lately.

This trip will see what's left. Is it lovers? Is it companions? Is it friends? is it nothing and never to see each other again. 

The other man in my life is on the sidelines. I'm starting to get excited about him. 

But I will give it may best. 

Growing apart

I'm not missing you as a lover. Not missing being in your arms. Not missing the sex. It's not comforting or exciting anymore. It's bordering on sadness that I feel. 

We are still friends. I still want to tell you things. But it was another I called before I called you. And another called me back today. Someone I had a big crush on. 

But the other is busy too. More of a lover. More passion. More discussion. More listening. But it is still early days. 

So close but so far away

You sit there. I sit here.

Yes it feel like we are a world apart. 

Natural process of something that was not quite lovers or a relationship turning into something that is less than friends and broken than before. 

I wonder how long we will be part of each others lives.

Back to where we used to be

You were never reliable. Ever. Not able to be relied on. We are just back to the way we were 

Here comes the Sun

 It's been a long and cold and lonely winter but I see that spring is in the air figuratively. Blossoming into summer. I'm back at the start but having reached out for help, I feel I am in a much better place. Yoyo is still the same, we go forwards and backwards with moments of commitment and moments of companionship, making us happy and miserable at opposite times. 

But just as work has been left behind because I wasn't happy,  I feel much happier now. A new course awaits. A new life.

And who knows, a boy to meet somewhere in the world that wants what I want.

So I guess this is goodbye

 You were my best friend and lover. 

Thank you for ignoring me

Sometimes when things go bad, its when true colours shine. I know I have problems but I think your issues are greater. 

I'm with you out of attachment and unholy things. New haven't ever really been a couple. Maybe you don't even have feelings. 

Anyhow thank you for treating me like shit so I can walk away even if the short term is hard.

I need you to ignore me

 I have to let you go. This halfway is not good for me. I've wasted enough time on you. I get treated like ...well sometimes well but you can't commit to me. I want to be with someone that makes me feel special.That wants to build a life together. 

I need to believe you and move on when you say its not what you want. 

A new Dawn

Tomorrow we start a new chapter in life and everything will change again. It's bitter sweet. Exciting in some ways for a new beginning in life, yet at the same time a sadness for the goodbyes I am saying.

Sometimes it feels like we are closer than ever. I look at you and have such feelings of love and fondness for you. I feel like your family is my very own.  In someways life is up and down and you can't get what you always want so I wonder if I need to be grateful for what we have together. The nice guy that you are and the way you treat me. 

Entering that new space

 We are closer yet so further apart. In some way settling into a couple life but in other ways growing further and further apart as we realise we want different things. 

Tonight maybe you need to be alone and I am intruding. You finished work and have retreated into your own personal space. I am just hanging around with nothing to do.

 I can't tell if you are perfectly fine or lost in distraction or trying to deny your feelings but are actually grieving quite heavily inside following your mothers death. I can't tell if I am helping or not by being here. 

A beautiful friendship and lovers we could have been. 

Starting a new chapter in life

Life is constantly evolving and changing. Nothing ever stays still. And sometimes we just need to learn to let go and follow the ebs and flows of life as they come.

Just as art group stopped, lockdowns stopped, lentils shut, miss Jackson shut, work ended. We got closer and then in over my head.

Now a new chapter is beginning.

In your space

I'm on you couch as I write this. Stuck somewhere between more than friends and less than lovers for partners.  I'm not sure about a lot of things to do with us. I'm not even sure about you or us anymore. 

I wish we could make time travel faster to get to a place where you don't matter anymore. Where you are no longer a part of my life. Yet every little step is bringing us closer together. Yet it should be in the opposite direction. 

We are too different. The kids situation is starting to feel a little too weird. Us is starting to feel a little too weird. And I'm craving a new you. Someone I have yet to meet.

And then I unbroken up with you

 I'm not good at breaking ups. We have made amends. Life goes on.

I broke up with a guy

 For the first time in my life. I asked him to remove himself from my life. Maybe this is progress. Knowing what I don't want and developing an ability to walk away.

I'm not sure about us

 not sure if we work

not sure if you even want to be with me

not sure either way.

Sorry.

I might have to say goodbye.

Everything changes

 And that is the only certainty we have. Life moves on. There are times when the good things in your life disappears. And clinging on makes it all that much harder.

Like art group that ceased. Or that volunteer role I used to have. Those friends we used to be. The man I thought I loved. 

And with time it all becomes a memory. Maybe to look back on fondly. 

Slowly letting you go

In some ways this slow kind release of each other is nice. Although we still both feel the attraction I know. But when I am not around you for a while I can let you go. And in my head I have no expectations. I have people to see, things to do, men to date, a life partner to find. 

But until then, for moments in time, you can be my best friend.

It is time to say goodbye

 I tried to stay

I was so grateful for a while

But. I need to leave

The places that scare us

Today for the first time ever, I went to a place that scared me. Rather than holding on to something and attaching out of fear and desire, I let things be, I let myself see things for what they really are. But I also acted in the kindness way I could to keep a friendship.

For we were never crazy madly in love. It was convenience and loneliness and need for another human in lockdown that brought us together. If the pandemic and lockdown never happened, if there was never a bubble buddy, if we didn't have to work from home so much, then we never would have got together. 

And now we are just returning to the way we were, just a little closer with a little bit more friendship.  

Everything changes

One day I didn't know who you were. Then we met. Then we stayed friends, catching up occassionally You wanted something more, I didn't. Then one day we hooked up. Then I wanted something more, you didn't. But we stay together anyways. But now I am not sure if we I want to be together and am considering going back to being friends. 

The reality is that everything changes. And as our lives and circumstances and the world around us changes, so do who we are. 

And sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not hold onto the past. Accept the present for what it is. Not what it used to be and dream of a future that doesn't exist.

It's time to just let things be.  

Having one off those off days

I'm generally not having a good week. But for a change my life back at home is looking pretty good. Things are starting to look up.

I'm not desperate to be with you anymore. I want it to be on equal terms and compromise. I understand why you don't want me, I have my flaws. But then you have your downsides too. 

And you are a guy that never committed or settled down. So maybe I should just accept you for who you are and we just go back to being friends. And I go back to searching for someone that is in love with me, wants to live with me, build a life with me, hold my hand and grow old together. Someone that says goodnight each night, that they miss me and does a little more than watch movies on the couch. 

This life is yours. Not mine. I got used to it out of lockdown loneliness. 

We have had great times today. Affectionate times. Times of caring. But sometimes two peoples lives are so different and two people want very much different things. So sometimes we just need to move on.

To stay or go. Going is harder than staying. Going and finding something that fits will be better than saying and resenting the life that I have.

I know it can't always be good times but I feel this is coming to a natural end. The friendship will stay, but maybe just as everything around us changes, maybe what we have will too into something better than before....

Now to have the courage to make a decision. 

Somewhere along the way we lost our way

Or maybe I lost my way. Or I found myself because of you and now I have outgrown you.  For a while I stayed for all the wrong reasons. But you helped me get my life together. And then you became the person that I let it fall apart with.  But now I am staying because I don't want to leave while you are going through a tough time. 

Once upon a time in lockdown we worked so well.  We were fresh and new and life was simple and I was happy to get any company I could. You saved me from myself. Helped me lose some weight. Become the old me again.

But now, a year in, I find myself living out of a bag off the floor in your room. Working around your schedule and your kids and your life. You haven't made an effort to become apart of my life at all. And I understand why we don't see each other much anymore but I can see that your cleaner, your Gardner and your shopping is more important to you than me.  There is not a single photo you have of me. You've never told me you like me, let alone love me. You're affectionate when you want to be. 

I'm scared to leave you out of loneliness. But these days I feel lonely around you. That I play second fiddle to the rest of your life. 

And the distance between us right now is for a good reason. But you're also helping me stand on my own two feet. And see that this life we have built, this non together, sometimes together life is something I do not want. 

I want to build a life with someone. Grow old together with someone. Meet someone that see's me a little more than a companion. 

I think I've stayed too long.

In a lot of ways you've helped me more than anyone. But also caused a lot of my grief that led to the way things are. I feel I am at a turning point in life where things will start looking up soon. 

Is it time to walk away? We have a friendship based on a few texts a day, a minute or two of conversation and chats mostly about you and a little about me.  

You make it easy to see other people. 

But then it all starts again..

 I love him a lot

Some days

 We have to say goodbye to some people.You are not good for me. You stress me out. You are mean. And we do not have the same beliefs. 

Goodbye to you

 It is time for this to end.

Time to start again

 I'm a mess but not really. Things are all over the place but I have it all together. I miss him but know I will get over it quickly. 

Love has no beginning or end

 And once upon a time that would have been a lovely thought. but not these days. 

He's been telling me for months he's not interested. Last conversation I asked how he could hug me so and he said not to think it too much. And I did. He was always honest. I accidentally fell for a guy that was never available. 

He got me through lockdown and I will ever be grateful. I want to be always friends. The guy that is a shoulder to cry on when I need.

But he doesn't want to be the guy I want him to be. So I have to move on. 

It's the hardest thing but I know I need to. I can't keep doing this. With a guy that just wants me around sometimes with no future talk. I am getting closer to his mum and dad and forming a relationship. I want it to be real and I want it to be something he wants as well. 

So right now, at this point in time, I'm not sure if we will work out. but as we grow older, it doesn't matter either. Because I am not as excited by him. 

I don't want hime to come to the play or the bday with me. Even the movie. Not unless he wants to be with me. So maybe its better to slowly ween off each other. 

I have fallen for guys before and fallen out too. He is no different even though I thought once again he was.

But we have a lifetime of friendship ahead. 

All things have a beginning and end

And the endings are never very nice. But this is ours I guess. I'll miss you.

But the show must go on.

Goodbye my lover

 This is hard to do but we must

I want seven days

 So I am breaking up with you. goodbye.

I have to say goodbye to you

 This isn't healthy. We are bad for each other. We have to say goodbye and move on. Goodbye.

Maybe this is the new healthy life I needed all along

 Maybe taking a bit of time to ourselves and getting both our lives back on track is exactly what I needed and he did too.

Stuck in no mans land

Stuck between lovers and and friends with something more or a companion.

Stuck between wanting you and not knowing what I want.

Stuck between thinking I know what I want and knowing that the past has never worked and holds life lessons to live a better life.

Stuck between contacting you and going to sleep.

Of wanting to contact you but not knowing if I can or if it is welcome or even if I can.

Stuck between giving you space and me drifting away

Stuck between something stable and playing with fire.