Its what we didn't do that i regret

This time i avoided getting hurt with G. It started off as something with the potential to be magical, but in the midst of mind games and a little bit of protection of a heart that been hurt a few too many times, i forgot how to live with all of my heart. It fizzled into nothing. This time there were no tears for there was nothing to mourn over. I never gave it my all and it fizzled into something everyday and boring and then onto nothing. The fireworks in the sky didn't quite make it.

I think of all the men that have hurt me so deeply. Where i have spent many nights crying over them, only to realise my tears were not worth it for the men they turned out to be. Yet at the same time, it was with those men that i experienced those moments that took my breath away.

It was about falling asleep in his arms on a bus to Paris. It was about meeting an international man of mystery, potential fugitive and then dropping the Taj Mahal to go back and spend a week with him making love on an exotic beach, its about meeting Mr Big at the hottest cocktail bar in town and letting him woo you with sweet words and fantastic nights of passion if only for a moment, it was about waking up in the arms my belgium god, staring into his eyes and a declaration of love while on holidays up north.  It was about the moment when he looked into your eyes, asked you if you trusted him and on your confirmation, took your hand so confidently and dived into the inferno of motorbikes to cross the road in Saigon.  It was about staring into his eyes as he asked you to dance at that cinderella ball and the years of torture and joy you spent trying desperately to hold onto something that could never be.

These are the men that hurt me the most. Yet these are the moments i will remember forever, the passion, the excitement, the love, the laughter and that feeling that your on top of the world. These were the moments that took my breath away.

I'm not an Audrey Hepburn with all things perfect. I am clumsy, I am clunky, but i am fun and exciting. I dive straight into life and this is what i need to do again. Let myself love deeply, express myself and just be myself.

Its worked in the past and the only regrets i have are the moments that didn't take my breath away to avoid tears i never shed.