Some days are just lonely and desolate

I love my mum. My only comfort and solace and any love that I get.

Everything else is just daydreaming. I have no real connections anymore. No one to talk to. No one to see.

I am dreaming if I think me and the man from far away will work out. But also he is stressed and he is a great guy. But I think I live out the romance in my head than with him. It is probably not real. Maybe I am turning him into somebody he is not and its all in my head as he keeps telling me. 

I don't know when this will end. When this random life during a pandemic with these lockdowns will ever end. Approaching the autumn or the winter of my life. And there is no spring and summer. They have passed. I am wasting away in time.  I'm sad. I'm down. 

I have moments where it feels good but I am living in a parallel reality in my head. I think I always have lived in my own world in my head. With men I connect with that don't exist. While trying to make connections with those that exist in reality. 

Sometimes the movies we watch ruins you. 

I have not been doing well lately. But good at hiding it. But feeling like retreating from the world. Just not mum as she is all I have. The man from far away is great but I also think I have changed him in my daydreams of who he actually is, albeit a really nice guy that maybe ten years ago I ignored. 

The friends I have including the man from faraway - they barely know me. No one does except maybe my mum. Who I don't confide in, or but I do but such little, but she sees my pain. 

I feel stuck in luxury right now. Trapped by wealth. Trapped by money. Living a life that seems great on paper but deep down I am just sad. 

So very very sad.