Sometimes living your life in the sidelines, playing games and waiting for a knight in shining armour is fruitless. I've been one foot in and one foot out lately. I know he has a problem. I know i want to be there for him. I know i want to tell him i love him. Yet my actions and his are of two people playing games. The way he holds me, the way he confides in me, it can't be a lie. It just can't.
But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.
If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.
Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.
Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.
But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?
So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.
Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.
But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.
If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.
Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.
Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.
But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?
So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.
Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.
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