Sounds of the ocean with the wind blowing through my hair

And i'm back on the deck overlookingthe waves on this overcast day in paradise. A hike to a secret beach in thongs, scrabling through rocks, leaches and an impromptu visit to a chocolate factory. First world problems at it's best.

Sometimes i love this blog because it is anonymous. Its where i get to brain dump all that is going in, in my mind. To say i haven't been sad and upset and a tad anxious about not hearing from my man would be a lie. He is in my thoughts constantly and lingering in the shadows, wondering why he doesn't call.

I know depression and anxiety are big, I know its the medicine pushing him away, i know everytime we speak he is wonderful and i have no reason to think there is anything wrong with us. I know its his problem and not mine and that i need to stop taking it personally.

He retreated after valantines day when i was disapointed at him. I haven't heard from him at all. I'm struggling.

But then i think back to the days of no men in my life. It was always a downer, not having someone to trust and share your life with. But now there is a man i am falling in love with that is reciprocating it back the best he can. Possibly even better than any man has in the past. One that can see a future with me by his side.

Everyone has their demons. Here i am fighting an illness and some medicine for he has a heart of gold. Not in one instance has he done the wrong thing by me. The hardest thing is dealing with my own insecurities and sticking through.

Sometimes its tempting to run. To wish he would do something that would make me walk. Living ten feet above the ground is easier. Does not require understanding and compormise. No relationship is easy and the best ones are the ones that get through time.

Sometimes i think with my stand offs i am playing games of resentment. It true i feel neglected. Its true i crave to run away into the arms of a more frivolous man that will fall for me for a moment before disapearing into the night.

Life is complicated. Its happy. Its sad. Its about good friends.

If only i could shake this off and just be happy for a moment. Not think of him when he has pushed me away. I will stick it out for a few months. In four months time i want to mark this day and see how i feel.

Will it turn around or will i seep deeper and deeper into un happiness. Sometimes one needs to time tag these things. While its great to be patient, sometimes one cannot throw away a life so easily.

I hope we work. I think he is a great man.