I have a date with a man that's not you

And the worst part is that you do not care. That i do care.

Life always works out thought, with or without you....

Getting Older

In amidst the drama and excitement i forgot how old i was. I turned 29 the other day, only a year away from the big 30. Today i went to a friends 30th.

Somehow we all got so much older without realising it. I don't know how but it just happened that way.

Once a long time ago i wanted to be be married by thirty, for my life to be sorted. I feel i need to do something with life in this year. I have sat back for long enough. I'm not sure what but its time to shine.

There is a man that can give me it all and wants to give it all. Then there is a man that seems not to care but at this moment my heart is facing his way. Is this the time to be sensible? Or do i just enjoy this one last year and be sensible after thirty?

Thats my thresh-hold. I will settle down after that. My parents can sort it out.

The man i want to spend the rest of my life with is here now. If only he will turn my way.

My life is a fairy tale

Sometimes i realise that my problems are not really problems. That my life is a constant fairytale. That life goes on and i will find adventure after adventure.

I date successful men who treat me well.

To my dear sis

We are the opposites of each other really. We have so much to learn from each other. You, the stable one with friends that last a lifetime and such stability in the world, me the one that wanders around the world traversing one adventure

The real truth is...

When it comes to reality G has always been honest with me. He spilled every feeling he had, i just didn't listen.

Perhaps one day G and I will work.

I hope.

Feeling deflated. Inadequate. Today.

On monday night i had dinner with a successful colleague and his girlfriend and a few others. He's six foot tall and turned up with hot tall model dancer combination. He had wooed her off her feet.

I in my flat shoes, skinny jeans and what would have been a trendy top in any other setting felt so inadequate. Sure she did not have my brains but she had everything else including a man wrapped around her little finger.

It made me think about the certain kind of men i date. These are the men that go for her type features. The type of girl who's legs and adoration you can show off and feel so manly about. I'm not that girl.

It made me think of David who was on top of the girl, had that build and that white blood to hang amoungst the men of the world. I was not a handbag to show off.

Then i thought of G, of a smaller build, of his indian blood. Who would he take to show off in these settings? Would he even compete in this setting? He may have that quite confidence but in these social interactions if one were to pick the battles that they can only win, this would be left alone.

The thing is i headed off the next day to business meetings in bangkok and singapore.  The thing is that was the day i got the promotion and now looked after a whole continent in what i do well.  I was the one that has climbed the highest mountains and dived the ocean shore, the one who traverses the world at a whim.  Perhaps she envied me also? Or perhaps she was so happy in her own skin that she did not even notice?

For some reason i just feel deflated. Inadequate. Today.

Sometimes you just need to do it!

I'm just going to call him.

Lay it all out on the table. Ask him how he's going. Get straight to the point.

I guess we were hanging out a few months back and it sorta just fizzled out. Still enjoyed the time we spent together, thought we got along great and it was fun hanging out. Thought we would make good friends.

Then i guess its the moment to hear it out.

On the round about of friendships

There are friends i have given up, and then there are new ones i have embraced. This time again i forgot one important lesson i have learnt over and over again.

Keep your old friends gold, and you new ones silver.

And so i barely kept in touch, i moved to greener pastures. And now i want back in. They open their hearts to me. They buy my excuses. Its time for me to do my part in the friendships of the world. The world that surrounds me.

I will keep all of them. Value them. Respect them. Friends are the life line that keeps us moving forward. 

I don't trust her

She gave me so much advice while i was dating him. I wonder if she was out to sabotage me. She's dating herself now and doing the absolute opposite!

Your flowers died a long and painful death

I remember those. You surprised me with them. And they lasted long beyond your stay in my life. Little by littled they whittled away - just like the way you disappeared out of my life...

I'm so excited that your the new you

I dream about you, i dream about falling alseep in your arms, i dream about waking up to your cuddles. Your smile is what i crave for, the laughs, the jokes and everything in between.

I have fallen for you. I hope you treat me well. I think you will. I know you this time. Its been so long. We met so long ago. I have always had a crush on you. I just never thought we would go anywhere.

Your lovely. I hope we work out. 

Five words to describe the new him

Dreamer, honest, clever, full of wonder, playful

In retrospect we were not that great

Yesterday i went on another rock climbing date and this time it was not with you.

Its funny how people come in to your world to teach you things. I learnt to rock climb, i reignited my passion for mountains and always being the best and i learnt that all that glitters isn't so. I learnt that perhaps the powerful men of your world is not what i want deep down.  I learnt that having an awesome body just didn't make all that much difference. 

And in those learnings i met another man. One that had a passion for climbing and was somewhat of a dreamer without needing to prove their ego to the world. 

I look in his eyes and see dreams of fairytale romances and wonder about the world. I see honesty and a good heart.  And we could look each other in the eyes and laugh and their was never a quiet moment. We almost forgot to rockclimb because we were so entranced in conversation.   We walked away on a perfect note. It was about spending time together and nothing more. 

I thought i had had an amazing time with you. Now that i think back, i didn't know what to say, it was slightly awkward, and it was about pushing ourselves to the limits. We didn't talk about the world, we didn't get lost in conversation, we didn't fall in love. 

Sometimes its easy to live your life in a dream. I'm glad i said goodbye to you becuase its only when you close one door that you open another.

I wonder if he knows he's been deleted?

Will he ever check or has he already?
Did he check on me as i did on him?
Has he gone to look me up and realised that he had been deleted from my life?
Does he feel a sudden pang of panic ?
Does he merely not even notice for he never was interested anyway?

Disappearing out of someone else's life is one of those profound moments. Perhaps he would never even realise i had disapeared?

I said goodbye to you last night

I finally found the courage to call it game over and hit that delete button. Having so much access to your life is not doing me good. I still think of you but anticipate it will be less and less so.

I remember driving home in the midst of falling in love.  I thought of you and felt those jitters that you only get from intense attraction. I just wanted to touch you so badly. When we actually came to be it was a tad more awkward. I was living out something else in my head.

It still makes me cry that we have to say goodbye. That you never thought of me beautiful and unforgettable. It makes me sad that i couldn't take your breath away and that you never fell in love with me.

I'm leaving because i have to. You said goodbye to me without ever saying it.

Tonight is the night i realise

That you were never into me and that you will never be. It was all in my imagination.

You had months to contact me and somehow i thought waiting patiently would result in some sort of miracle.

I fell for an illusion in my head. I barely knew you. I;m dsaying goodbye to the memory you left in my head. I tried my best. I was never the one for you. You were never to be despite my stupid illusions of living happily ever after with a man i never knew.

You in history now. With the M's and david's that got in touch long after their time had past and it was too late.

Have a lovely life G. I doubt you will. I want nothing to do with the mess that is your relationships.

Goodbye.

Sometimes i wonder

There is a man i am beginning to fall for. I barely had the time for him. Back then and even now.

Perhaps he is into me. Perhaps i am scared.

I think i am falling for him never the less. 

Is the super brilliant Geek my type of man?

So there have been a few men with hearts of gold that have always won my hearts. I was impressed with their intelligence, their knack and passion for technology and ability to play Mr Fix it at every opportunity.

Lately i've been thinking the ruthless banker workaholic probably isn't the long term relationship i want. Its exciting and it comes with status but when it comes to stability, reliability and respect, something is lacking.

I keep falling for these men of technical brilliance. I never feel to much for them for they always have a solution or a helping hand for what i know not.

These are the stable, good looking and reliable men i want in my life. They may never become CEO, but they will be there to fix my computer when i can't get it to work, lift heavy things and change the light bulbs. 

I hope we see you again

Thats what she said to me that last night i had with him.  I was heading off home with him and she was his friend. And she liked me and thought we would be perfect for each other. But she had that look in her eyes that said i was fighting a losing battle. Of course back then i never quite realised it. Blinded by some fairytale romance that was living out in my head.

The signs were there long ago. He had lost interest and it was just a matter of time for him to figure out how to walk away. He gave me many a hint that i did not take, until eventually i have no choice but to accept the fact.

No, you won't see me again...

White blood will always be white blood

I;m looking through memories of my life, of uni days and where people are today.

I spotted the perfect guy amoungst the memories. The exact type of guy i fall for these days. But you know, during uni, he barely knew who i was and even more importantly i don't remember ever being attracted to him.

He married one of those intelligent blonds that have the looks, the breeding and the smarts to be just about perfect. He has weekend gateaways at sanctuary cove with his family.

The thing is, these men are in another league. Not necessarily better or worse but never the less in a DIFFERENT league. I'm chasing after some fairytale in my mind where some white prince charming saves the day.

Except thats not my life....

Reflections from the top

So lately i've made it, even more than before.

The hours however are adding up. I'm working on a zillion things at once. I have an army of people working for me.

The things is my life is slowly disapearing...

Back in the day

I'm too old for the house parties and staying out until dawn. I'm too old for drinking in that car park and catching that train home in the morning for you have partied all night. 

Those days were fun but in reality things have changed. I earn well into the three figures, i can afford everything i want and life just keeps getting more and more prosperous. 

The thing is i have made it. Now i need to learn to enjoy it. Back in the day it was fun. But its in the past. I had a blast back then. This is a different era. A different point in time. 

The key is to figure out how to enjoy it....

Back in the day

I'm too old for the house parties and staying out until dawn. I'm too old for drinking in that car park and catching that train home in the morning for you have partied all night. 

Those days were fun but in reality things have changed. I earn well into the three figures, i can afford everything i want and life just keeps getting more and more prosperous. 

The thing is i have made it. Now i need to learn to enjoy it. Back in the day it was fun. But its in the past. I had a blast back then. This is a different era. A different point in time. 

The key is to figure out how to enjoy it....

Missed connections

Dear N

I think of you today and of the days when you were into me and i was not. We were best friends, hanging out every friday night. 

I had a picture of something more in my mind. The thing is i met my fantasy man and i got burnt and i realised that fantasies don't always lead to happiness. The thing is I've been burnt by fairytale men and i would love to run back to your arms.

The things is your engaged to another.....

Every moment i have lived, i have done the best i could

The things is, I have given it my all. Even when i have been passive, it was a moment in time when i wondered if my drive o live each moment was where i really wanted to be.

The things is i am an amazing person and somewhat on the top of a food chain. I need to meet a man that can match me. 

And i learnt some lessons

Through G were some lessons learnt. That living life in the shadows is not worth it. Being passive and lifeless is not my style and most of all, by saying nothing and living in the shadows waiting for life to happen, you risk everything you have.

Life is about embracing each moment and making it what you live for.

Thankyou G for i have learnt a lot. Mainly about how not to make a man fall crazy in love with you.

I still think we are perfect for each other. I have thought this about many a man before. Sometimes i am wrong. 

I feel down (again)

One of those days, or perhaps its been one of those weeks, months. I feel down. Is it the pill i have started back on or is it that life is really shit right now?

Work is going brilliantly. I go from strength to strength. Sure it takes up way too much of my time and a certain amount of stress. But who can really say no to earning a heap of money and then the possibility of even more.

But friendships and love. Some things are just not right. I'm 29 and i want to settle down. I meet plenty of men but never the right one. My standard so high only a rare few will be able to seep through.

Then the one i crave for, he has turned the other way. 

Why i love my blog

I love being anonymous. I can tell the world about the real me.

That i earn a three figure salary and will probably one day get to seven figures and will become a CEO but that i also have an alcohol problem, i see way too many psychics for advice on life and that i I'm crap at keeping men interested. 

Struggling to keep fit

At times i'm hitting the gym, going for a run, heading for a swim, climbing mountains and at my peak fitness, looking my best, working crazy hours, drinking lots and having an ecstatic time with life.

Lately its slipped away. The weight is piling on. Those jeans getting a tad too "skinny" and a muffin top well under way.

I need to get into it. The thing is i know i'll feel great when i do. Its just hard to be motivated all the time. 

Perhaps there will never be a him

Sometimes you can live your life in the shadows. I don't think for the most part i do. But then again when it comes to relationships and falling in love with a fairytale, i live in my own fantasy world. Sometimes the men slip away as my fantasy world is so great, they don't even get a foot in the door.

The thing is lately, i've been thinking that perhaps i will never meet the perfect him. That perhaps i am ok with that.

I meet plenty of men. I think i always will. The thing is the right ones don't excite me. The latter has immense emotional issues and causes much distress.

Then i think about how i have it all. Ocean views, earning enough for two, even three people, a striving career and a touch for thrill and adventure. I think of what's excited me recently.  It was the possibility of climbing a glacier, learning to ice climb, attempting some of the highest peaks in the world, writing that business plan for world domination...It was also moments spend with family that i value so much.

The latest thrills were not about him or falling in love. If anything they represent the sadness in my world.

So perhaps i do not need him. So perhaps if i do not meet the man of my dreams thats just A.Ok with me. Perhaps i will be happier this way.

I can keep dating. I will keep having men in my life. He just won't be a soul mate thats all. Perhaps because that soul mate doesn't exist. Its too late. I've learnt to live on my own and now no one can stand up and shine. 

On the round-about of friends

There are friends i have given up, and then there are new ones i have embraced. This time again i forgot one important lesson i have learnt over and over again.

Keep your old friends gold, and you new ones silver.

And so i barely kept in touch, i moved to greener pastures. And now i want back in. They open their hearts to me. They buy my excuses. Its time for me to do my part in the friendships of the world. The world that surrounds me. 

I will keep all of them. Value them. Respect them. Friends are the life line that keeps us moving forward. 

Today i put my social life and myself first

I had that presentation to do for the Asia Pacific director. The all important make or break one that i seem to be doing each week.

And this week i put me first. Its my sunday night and i went out and then i chose to chill, listening to my tunes. Work takes up so much of my life, i will never get anywhere if i don't focus on what really matters.

He's just not that into me

I could have figured this out months ago but there is solace in knowing you have done all you can. The biggest fear was that i threw something away by not giving it my all.

No amount of pulling and picking will help. I sent out a lifeline and he chose not to take it. Its been a week since i called and nothing. Time to say goodbye.

He's just not that into me.

Something inside me says its not over. But perhaps i am just clouded by it all. I thought the world of david too, and of M and if many a man. Who's to say that G is any different.

Life on the road

I'm good at sudoku because Qantas pushlish's two puzzles on page 140 of its in flight magazine. If they published something else, i would most likely be good at that. I'm a whiz at the first one but the second one always takes many attempts but i always somehow manage to solve it before the month is over and another magazine rolls in.

I'm glad i called him.

Its like this massive weight has been lifted. I kept thinking i didn't give it my all. That perhaps i just seemed disinterested, somewhat sedate.

Well i called him the other day. Let him know it would be nice to hang out. I've done my part in the scheme of the world. I somehow think it will all work out.  Yet if he never contacts me i have my answer. Although i see clearly that, that will not be the case.

He will call me in his time. We will go for that run. We will have our smiles and our jokes. We will connect and fall in love, only to live happily ever after - as we have done in so many lifetimes before.

We are meant for each other babe. I hope you see that soon and act on it. 

Maybe i am just brilliant

Sometimes you think its all a fluke. The thing is, when it happens over and over again. Its not fluke.

Perhaps its the fact that working till midnight is not such a strange concept. Maybe its just that i can pick up the phone and make a quick decision. I am where i need to be.

This is where i belong. On the management team, making the world spin.

One day i will be running my own. Because that me. Because that what i know. Its what comes naturally to me.

I've opened a wound

I called him yesterday and i opened up another wound. He never called me. He never wanted to.

I just feel sad. I know sometimes i need to make an effort. But this hurts. I crave to be with him but he's just not here. And now some chick is wondering how he is in facebook.

Something in me thinks that he thinks i am his world. Reality check makes me think i am a nobody.

So i stopped playing these stoopid games and gave him a call

It was a hello how are you, we had something when we first men but it fizzled out but i think a friendship is definitely in order.

It was a nice chat. The ball is in your court now.

Deep down i want it to turn into something. Write now i'll take friendship and perhaps it will grow into something beautiful.

I want my stuff back

We are over but you still have my stuff. I want it back.

Before it was a potential contact point. To have my stuff with you. Now i want nothing to do with you, but i love some of the things i used to own. I even tried replacing it but somethings are not that easy to replace.

I need to find a way to get it back. Without any involvement from myself.

I don't want you anymore. Just my belt. You've lost your stronghold on me. I have a new crush. He does not know it yet but i feel that he would feel ecstatic to think of me as his partner in crime for life.

I'm in love from a distance

There is a man at work that has been there for a while. I never noticed him however. He is there none the less.

P, i wonder if i have a chance with you. We have so much in common, sharing the same birth country and possibly a whole lot of values. We have been supportive of each other. We are both moving onto bigger and better things.

I just need to suss this out now that i have realized i have a crush on you! Perhaps you have felt something for me all along?

Are you the one at work? Are you the man?

You have been right in front of me, and its only now that i notice.

A List to the rescue in a moment of clouded judgement

Sometimes there is nothing better than a pro's and con's list to bring to perspective a so called fairytale you may have in your head.

I made one for G and It gives you perspective. The pro's are appended with "once" which really goes to sure that what i fell for was more in my mind, replaying moments that may or may not have been real. Then the cons list starts adding up and i start thinking about why i even want to go there.

What i felt at first was just another infatuation. He's just another in my past. Just as M and David and Andre are the men in the past, G is too.

I've been thinking of R lately. Sometimes i think we are perfect for each other. If only this was not a muddle of friendships and lovers. 

I loved that gave every moment all i had

For the first time in my life i met a man i was sure i loved and let him go without even trying. I remained passive in the sidelines.

For all the men that i wore my heart on my sleeve only for them to trod all over it, i do not regret a moment. For i did the best i could, i let go of pride and i have answers that they were simply just not into me.

With G, i never even called him. I walked away before the curtains closed. Should i go back?

Whats the worst that can happen? He will tell me he never wants to see me ever again? What do i lose? Perhaps some pride? Perhaps i will feel hurt? At least i will have closure. I definitely won't have regrets.

One day i need to get in touch with him. To say hello, to find out....

A little bit of life on the edge

It never hurt. For a few years i had not done anything crazy. Leaping out of planes, climbing the worlds peaks, traversing waterfalls.

And then last month i climbed another mountain, (or tried to), i dived to the ocean floor. I pushed myself beyong my limits and i survived I remembered this feelings that i love so much.

I have not changed. This is what i love to do.

One day i will be in touch

Dear G

I think sometimes its better to give it all you have. If you win you win. If you lose, its the next best thing. The worst is knowing you walked away from a could have been.

Right now i'm not ready to call you. In a few months time i will. Just to see how you are. To be friends. To go for that run or hike.

Perhaps one day we will be more. Perhaps one day we will be friends.

Its sad what came of us. We were fireworks that fizzled into mediocracy.

This is the year i wear red

And i will shine like the glitter that i am. I will stand out as i was destined. I will turn heads at every corner.

I am the women every man craves for. I am the elusive one that only the best of the best can capture. My heart is open to love fiercely but only for the ultimate man. One day i will find him.

To date they have all been too weak. The ultimate man is one that can take the exciting with the fierce loyalty and return it back with equal force. D did not make it. M did not make it. G did not make it.

The next one will. 

Today i feel relief

I started deleting so called "friends" on facebook and it was a feeling of liberation. Then i started wondering who would care if i simply disappeared.

I deactivated my account. Its such a time waster. My true friends know how to find me.

I wonder who will notice? I wonder who will care?

I wonder if anyone cares?

I went on an amazing holiday on my own. Did anyone care? I am not sure.

I was showing off on facebook. My fabulous life that seemed so perfect. Yet its not perfect. I just wanted to get one mans attention.

I tried to climb a mountain and i failed.

I applied for a job and i got it.

I'm stressed. I have it all but yet nothing at all.

Lost

I feel lost these days. Somethings going well. Other things not so well.

Friendships, love life, work. Sometimes i am just not sure if this is the life i want anymore. Chasing one dream after another. Making it time and time again. Is it all too much? Too much stress? Not enough fun?

Am i heading for a burn out? Why does life not feel full filling? It does not excite me anymore.

I remember a walk

Back in India, during those four months i used to crave going for walks. But the air was never fresh, it was never relaxing and the spacious luxury that we grow accustomed to all over australia was never to be.

None the less, through traffic, poverty, life and death, cows and little kids playing on the streets i walked the two k's to the department store and back. I enjoyed the air conditioning in the store as a treat. I looked at shelves of items i did not want to own as a solace. I walked back to get back home. 

Every now and then life became unbearable in those days. But i soldered on. I had to. There was no choice. I was young, i had not proven myself, life was just an opportunity somebody handed to you that you either took advantage of or lost.

These days i am someone important. I have made it. I do not live on the sidelines and i call my own shots. I feel devastation occasionally but only for a day. I have a get out quick ticket to cash in within a day.

Even though i have made it now, i still think back to those days and all the moments that made me who i am today. 

I'm traveling to Asia tomorrow but i am not excited

Has the glimmer of business travel faded away?

I am heading overseas this week. I want nothing more than to get back for friday night drinks.

I miss you but i feel its time to walk away

Not because i want to but everything is pointing like your sending me that message. Dear G, right now you are the love of my life and i love everything about you.  For some reason my days of wearing my heart on my sleeve are over so i will simply walk away. Even when i met you, i thought i had accidently given you the wrong number and thought perhaps i would never know if it were meant to be.

The thing is, perhaps it would have been easier if i had of. For you called and you painted a fairy tale so real, i started believing again. I did not let you in but i still got hurt.

I am the epitome of success

I climb mountains in my spare time. I traverse countries like they are suburbs on a train line, i wine and dine with the best of them and have the world at my feet.

I have ocean views from my bachelorette pad and friends that love and adore me. I seem to have a never-ending stream of men, flowers and romance and sure i am not married just yet but the men are still lining up. I make more money than i can spend on shoes.

I have made it in the world. In reality i am the epitome of success.

Someday we will meet again...

This is all through the eyes of Facebook but G, we have so much in common. We pick the hardest route and its all about conquering the unknown.

I don't know how it would work between us. It makes me cry to think we can't make it work when we seem so compatible. We are so similar, both so stubborn that perhaps it will be in another lifetime that we will meet again.

You will walk away. I will walk away.

Goodbye to this lifetime. Its not goodbye forever. Someday we will meet again....

Something is happening

Today i made a move. Today someone gave me an opportunity to present my ideas. Today i wowed them with my briliance.

They knew i was something. The always knew i was clever.

Today i proved them right and i made it onto the chart. This is where i need to be. This is where i want to go.

The world will go around me. I have worked hard for it. Sleepless nights. Idea formulation. Massive risk. Laughing in the potential face of ridicule and laughter and coming through on top.

I always knew i had it. Its time for me to shine once more. And i love it. The journey and the destination.

Today i pitched to the boardrooms of the world in my stilletto's.

I hate that i know your every move

The worst thing about facebook is that it makes it so hard to let go. I know your every move, i know your past, i know your friends.

I looked at those photo's and i can feel that sense of letting my heard skip a beat subside. I didn't crave to touch you.

I just need to wait this out. Soon i won't even think of you.

Tonight i'm in my element

I'm working late, coffee flowing and i'm buzzing.

I'm literally jumping with joy. I am thinking up ways to take over the world and pitching it to the board.  I love this feelings. I want to win. I feel ecstatic like i can move mountains.

I love it!

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

This year i want to feel again

This year is about savouring the moments. Its about giving it my all, ecstacy or pain who cares, as long as i love and feel deeply. I want life to be magic.

This year is about the moments that take my breath away. I move from the sidelines into the spotlight. I give it my all.

If i don't finish it, it all ok. If i don't climb my mountain, this year its ok. This year is about enjoying each moment. I don't need to get to the next step. I want to live my life, love my life and be happy.

This year is about meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love and getting married and if along the way i get hurt more than i have ever got hurt before, then thats ok too. For i have lived and you can only get hurt after experiencing some sort of joy and ecstacy.

I want to love again. Love deeply.

No more sidelines and Audrey Hepburn. Just a clunky old me that i love.

:)

You still hurt me with your silence

I wonder about you sometimes G.I wish you felt the same way i felt.  I have felt this way about many men and this time i just thought you were different.

I guess you weren't. I have tears in my eyes hoping i was special and that would call. That you are craving to hear my voice. Your not.

Each time i have moved on. I just need to do the same with you. For the first time i am shedding tears. Tears i have long held back. You will never know. You will never care. I will hurt. I will get over you. Life will go on.

I'm ready to share my life with another. This is the year.

Its what we didn't do that i regret

This time i avoided getting hurt with G. It started off as something with the potential to be magical, but in the midst of mind games and a little bit of protection of a heart that been hurt a few too many times, i forgot how to live with all of my heart. It fizzled into nothing. This time there were no tears for there was nothing to mourn over. I never gave it my all and it fizzled into something everyday and boring and then onto nothing. The fireworks in the sky didn't quite make it.

I think of all the men that have hurt me so deeply. Where i have spent many nights crying over them, only to realise my tears were not worth it for the men they turned out to be. Yet at the same time, it was with those men that i experienced those moments that took my breath away.

It was about falling asleep in his arms on a bus to Paris. It was about meeting an international man of mystery, potential fugitive and then dropping the Taj Mahal to go back and spend a week with him making love on an exotic beach, its about meeting Mr Big at the hottest cocktail bar in town and letting him woo you with sweet words and fantastic nights of passion if only for a moment, it was about waking up in the arms my belgium god, staring into his eyes and a declaration of love while on holidays up north.  It was about the moment when he looked into your eyes, asked you if you trusted him and on your confirmation, took your hand so confidently and dived into the inferno of motorbikes to cross the road in Saigon.  It was about staring into his eyes as he asked you to dance at that cinderella ball and the years of torture and joy you spent trying desperately to hold onto something that could never be.

These are the men that hurt me the most. Yet these are the moments i will remember forever, the passion, the excitement, the love, the laughter and that feeling that your on top of the world. These were the moments that took my breath away.

I'm not an Audrey Hepburn with all things perfect. I am clumsy, I am clunky, but i am fun and exciting. I dive straight into life and this is what i need to do again. Let myself love deeply, express myself and just be myself.

Its worked in the past and the only regrets i have are the moments that didn't take my breath away to avoid tears i never shed.

Remember the days when you risked the world to love with all of your heart

These days its cautious little steps.  I miss those days when i left my fears with the wind and really lived. I really hurt too but those moments when you believed all in the world was good, that the man of your dreams would never hurt you and that you could change the world with your own will was magical.

Its that adreline rush of believing you can fly and trusting the world.

I miss that. You grow older. You have adventure after adventure. But i feel like i am seeping off from people and society, succumbing to my own world more and more each day.

It was another perfect date

What better way to start the new year with a man that picks you up in his beamer, takes you to the hottest place in town, wines and dines you and then walks you to the docks to see which yacht you prefer him to whist you away in. He kisses you, he holds your hand and he does everything he can to make it a special magical night.

I'm lucky.

I seem to have this effect on men.  It takes big stakes and effort to even have a chance with me.

It was a nice night. Lets leave it at that.

Another you goes down in dust

Dear G, you are going down in the history books with the David's and the Max's of the world, but you hold no space for this time i did not even fall for you. You were a perhaps maybe, perhaps it could work and we could be perfect together but i have got too hurt and carried away in the past to let you into my world - and rightly so as you disappeared without even an explanation.

Goodbye to you Gerson, who could have been something but will never will be.

Good morning to K who may reap the rewards.

I believe in dreams

Lately i've been dreaming about a little bundle of joy. She is beautiful with the essence of pure innocence in her smile.  She seeks and craves my love and i do the same and when i hold her its magical. I believe in dreams. 

Back many moons ago i dreamt that i tried to climb a mountain and gave up without making it to the top. While i would not admit it it came true many years on. And even in the lead up i knew it would not happen, for what reason i did not know. 

I have more intuition that i give myself credit for. I knew i had the job, i knew i would not make it up that mountain, i know that G will call, i know that, that little girl is waiting in another realm to become mine. 

I just know it.

The end of another year

Here i am once again, a year on, back from holidays, sitting on this very couch, alone by myself with my invincible friends.

This time its ok. Its been one big year. Full of friendships, romance, fitness, adventure, sitting back and relaxing, girly chats, traveling the world, making it and then some and just a few little hurts. Another year i can say goodbye to with a smile and another year i can look forward to welcoming.

A few months ago i met a man and for some reason once again i thought he was the one. He turned out to be another frog turned into a prince for but a short time. Another David, another M in disguise. I almost fell for him but this time i didn't. I liked him from afar, to afraid by the hurt from the past to give my heart away to a man that did not deserve it. It takes time to get over somebody, especially when it just fizzles out without any closure. Its sad but its time to say goodbye to all that it was.

What will the next year bring? Who knows?

I've been away for a month and sometimes life and the moments that took my breath away need some reflection. Living in someone else's world, borrowing their habits, their food, their mannerisms and what makes them laugh and cry is all that one needs to grow. Stolen moments of another's life to grow within myself.

So what have i learnt? That sometimes its nice to be with another. That sometimes a man, a partner or a best friend isn't meant to be text book perfection, that the unlikeliest of people can make the best of friends. Sometimes having a good heart can mean more than anything else.  Sometimes you know a good man when you meet one and it can take your breath away when you realise. He may not make any of your cuts, you may not even realise it at first. Sometimes for a moment in time i wonder if thats what happiness is about. To be with a man like him. The one thats so simple, so fit and adventurous, isn't interested in taking over the world, has that crooked smile and poor grammar but such goodness in his heart it takes your breath away.

A little bit of local culture

Tonight i went to the Tokyo end of year function. Everyone spoke Japanese except for the occasional conversation with myself.

Truth be told i felt completely comfortable in this presence. It was an experience in itself to see life beyond the realms of your own reality. That this high tech world exists where you can barely speak a word, where you are a dag and you mannerisms are anything but the usual impeccable.

Its great to immerse yourself in anothers culture for just a moment though. I love Tokyo even more.

A moment of reflection

I would never admit this to anyone in my real life but i have got the internet radio set to love song dedications back in Melbourne. Its a little bit of home in Tokyo.

Its a reflective moment. My career is working out as always and while i work away, i think of him and the many men of yesterday and the future. The world at my footstep, where do i turn? where do i look?

I check out his photo's, hoping i will see some truth or that i will realise i am no longer into him. There are others so he is not the only one. Part of me is even questioning how i feel. I think perhaps i like him, but perhaps not. That soul mate feeling where we were just meant to be is long gone.

But i also think that perhaps we have left it too long. The moment really is gone and its time to move on. And that new man. I have not made a move and neither has he. What am i waiting for?

Perhaps it's time.

Sitting on a ledge on the 25th floor of the intercontinental in Tokyo

Many many years ago when i was still growing up i watched lost in translation. I saw scarlett Johansen sitting on a ledge in Tokyo, gazing out, waiting for something to happen. This is an image that has been with me over the years. The movie captured the loneliness and despair in the ever expansiveness of a world where you are a nobody with such passion and truth.

Years on i am that business traveller. Over the years i have always thought of that ledge and sat on many a hotel window gazing out. It was never the same.

Now here i am in Tokyo, on my ledge, gazing out, feeling like time has turned still.  Its calming and distrubing at the same time.

Just as the locals do it

This morning i went for a wonder in downtown Tokyo and while all was commuting to and from work. I sucked into a local cafe and ordered a coffee and a toasted sandwich containing a tiny serving of salad, egg and tomato. I sat down facing the window in the non smoking window and just people watched for a little while, enjoying following the status quo for a change.

I feel like a dag in Tokyo and that is saying something. This place is all about class and until now i thought that i did that quite well. The women immaculately dressed, perfect heels and boots, beautiful coats, designer handbags and tailored outfits with just a little bit of funk to it. Even the three women who glided past in their bicycles were decked out in an armani skirt suit and not a spot of sweat or hair strand out of place. When i say glide, yes they glided past wheras in any other place in the world you would spot a likely scene cycling away in lycra.

Sometimes its just nice to be part of a city as it wakes up and to observe the little things.

Today was about breakfast on the way to work.

I'm actually quite sick

But i keep going for you see i am travelling in Asia and supposed to be having a wonderful time. I have much to do and not much time to get sick so its just an inconvenience right now.

I'm almost ignoring it really.

Immersing yourself in someone elses world

Today was walking the streets of Tokyo, getting to know the metro, strolling through the gardens, enjoying the rush hour and the people and the quirkyness of it all.

There is something magical about this city that makes you think you can step out of your own world and express yourself, even if a little on the edge.


I've always wanted to see what i would look like with bright red eye shadow. I did not even attract a second look yet alone one.

One year on

Exactly a year ago i joined my current company. Today i am at the intercontinental in Tokyo. Life has worked out exactly like i wanted.

If only it made me happy.

But i am happy.

Perhaps he was just never into me

A million fortune tellers could tell me otherwise but who really knows. Its easy to dream up fairytales in your head about a guy you barely know because he ticks so many of those boxes that the movies and celebrity figures we idolise have met as Mr right.

In reality it was all in my head.

He held my hand while we crossed the road in Saigon

Need i say more....

Lost in translation

I'm in Tokyo and i always wondered what it would be like. Its kind of like i am living out that movie, except there is no boyfriend on business whose five star luxury i am trapped in. Its me on my own and i haven't quite met another similar soul.

There is something about five star hotel that makes it ever so lonely. I have the perfect room, the perfect view and its all on a charge card to someone else. I'm looking out over Tokyo from the 25th floor as i speak. I have a ledge just as scarlett Johansen did. This is what i have always wanted.

Today was just another day living in someone elses world. I traversed the subways of Tokyo, not knowing a word of japanese, exploring Shibuya and Shinjuku. Its a busy, bolstering city with modern day lights and infrastructure and a touch of quirky cool. While the experiences are amazing that i get to have, without a friend to share it with, without a friend to make jokes of those moments, is it really worth it? What am i getting from this?

Your mannerisms were perfect

I love how you embraced who you were, how you respected your culture and put them first at all costs. I love your confidence and the way you carry yourself.

A new man on the block

So i met a man many months back and it was work related so i set him aside. A nice email, a nice acknowledgement of who he was and a great intellectual conversation.

But in the last three months things had changed and you had become even more powerful and the we met in south east asia. We were both their with a purpose and we could both prop each other up in so many ways.

The sexual chemistry between us was amazing but then we are both headstrong in our careers so taking baby steps. And when you held my hand as we crossed the road it was fireworks in the sky. When you came looking for me, the way you looked at me.

We could work you know. Your powerful, exactly my type. I don't know why i didn't see that in you many months ago.

I can't wait to see you again. My heart is flying again. I am smiling. I think i could love you if i let myself. If you let yourself....

Another day in Paradise and Poverty

Last night was really tough. I;ve never stressed like that before. Then this morning i was happy again. I was back to my 3AM calls and life was all going well. I love being busy but this is making me wonder if i have lost myself again.

I recall a time in india or before that, when i used to be terrified of my own company. But then india changed that, i learnt patience and i learnt to enjoy my own company. I learnt courage and i did things that scared me and i made mistakes and i learnt and i had the best time of my life. Lately life has been so busy, i have had some really good friends in my life and i have not had so much moments to savour the things that make it all worthwhile. Perhaps i need to love myself again.

Sometimes i just feel spoilt. I'm sitting here in a five star hotel wanting life my way. I don't even know a word of vietnamese and i am ignoring the customs in this world. I barely leave my hotel room to get the most out of it.

I wandered down to the markets today with some collegues. You know you haven't been in Asia for a while when you get to the end of a corner and wonder how your going to cross the road. You pause for a moment with no green man in site, consider briefly that you could cab it to the other side, then hold your breath, step right out, walk in a sure straight line and hope that the traffic will merely go around you. And its always a sigh of relief when it does.

Wandering the streets, the roadside stalls, the infinite amount of scooters and traversing through chaos, it almost feels normal sometimes. I travel so much that the excitement is gone.

Yet these moments are lovely to appreciate how lovely life truly is. I live in paradise and take it for granted. We all do really.

And then you realise it was all in your head

I fall for men like him all the time, and each time i think i have met the one. My soul mate and twin flame with whom i was destined to be with. I picture our wedding, out lives and this time i saw myself as the mother of your future children.

The thing is i was mistaken. I get carried away with grand gestures that money can buy and accidently forgot the importance of the ones that cost nothing.

Your lies, your false words, the fact that you can't keep your word. The way that i am a nobody in your world and you push me even further. I still wait for you. How pathetic am i to let you walk all over me.

My own fault for not respecting myself enough. I don't need a man like you. Today was one of the worst days in my life. I wondered if i were to die today if anybody would notice. How long would it be until they noticed.

The thing is by chasing after men like you, i miss out on the ones that care.

I keep thinking of deleting you. I am beginning to think that its about self respect now.

Its the toughest moments that take your breath away

In the back of my mind i should have always known that this globetrotting lifestyle isn't as glamourous as it seems. That five star luxury lacks the friendships made for a lifetime in a hostel. That as we mature and become successful we enter into a loneliness of our own. Who else has a life like mine?

But then its the toughest moments like these where you grow and its a process of self discovery. Seeing frivolity for just that and getting to the root of who a person is and whats really important in life. No opinion, no exciting memory simply beats being able to call someone each day to check in.

It would be beautiful to think that someone out there cares what i do each day, wonders if i'm ok and would check up on me if i wasn't.

Maybe this was a moment i was meant to have. To slow down, to not expect so much of myself, to take a step back and really understand what i need in a man, to realise that there is a man right in front of me with all the right moments awaiting a future together.

Is this the meaning of love? Is this just the beginning?

So when it all goes down hill it was not G that i called upon. It was K who has been there all along. It wasn't even R who turns up intermittently. And sure i didn't blab my heart out, it was just that the little hint of contact got immediately requited and made me feel better.

When i think about it, its moments like these and weather or not your man can be there for you or not that makes it. Who cares about looks when your stuck on the other side of the world, about to have a nervous breakdown and you feel all alone in the world. I want and need a guy i can call on when i need him. Its moments like these when life feels so bad that makes you relaise how important certain aspects of life are.

Sure i fell for G, but is a man that can't keep his word what i need. There will be more of these moments and i need to be able to depend on a man.

Tonight at an ultimate worst moments K brought some spark back into my life without even knowing it. Its one of those moments where i just want a hug and cry for a moment. i couldn't do it with G or R. I could with K.

He's in it forever. The other are not.

Feeling trapped

This is the worse i have ever felt. I've been travelling for 24 hours, trying to do too much. Love life, friendships, work pressures, even a holiday seems like pressure. Its that feeling of being trapped and trying to figure out how to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown.

I'm back in south east asia and this place is reminding me of a bad experience i had a long time ago. I'm anxious.

I keep telling myself its not the same. That in a few days i'll be out of here.

Usually i would go for a walk with some bautiful scenery while listning to some tunes. I would come back feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to be alive. I would sit on my king couch overlooking the ocean and city views afterwards and think about how beautiful life has treated me.

Here there is no bautiful view. There is noice. Humidity and i feel trapped. There is no fresh air. No sterile comfort of space and expansiveness you get from cold minimalism which i love so much.

Writing has always helped. I thought i would try it again. I wish i had someone to call. Someone to lean on. I need to cry and this time i really need someone.

I have nobody.

Melbourne at its finest

I was walking down flinders st the other day, donning a pair of skinny jeans, stilletto's and wrapped around a cashmere shawl. I was walking along with my usual casual confidence, head held high, taking the world by storm, one step at a time in accordance with my own agenda.

I was turning heads. And then one man looked and with admiration exclamed "Melbourne at its finest"

Sometimes i think i just have IT.

On protecting one's heart

Its funny how life works out. How you learn to stop taking risks in love. Whatever will be will be, and if it wasn't, it was never meant to be. I believed for so log about chasing dreams, living in the passion and intensity of the moment, giving it all i had, even just for a moment.

Things seem more mature now. Perhaps it will lead to happy endings. Life has taught me patience. Lets see where it will get me.

I savour those moments of who i used to be. Every mistake i ever made i look back with pride. After all who can claim to have climbed the highest mountains, to have fallen in love in Paris, on tropical islands, been seduced by the man of their seemingly innocent dreams. My life has been a pleasure, fairy tale romances, blazing adventures, smiles, laughter, tears, beautiful family and friends.

Its another time in life these days. Its still all very good. I have it all. Yet when i had so little i also had it all, just in different ways.

Do i get rid of him?

Its one of those moments where i am truly confused. I have not heard from him in a month yet my instincts and the psychics of the world tell me he is the one. Its tempting to delete him from my life forever.

The things is i love him. Its not like, its love. But then i have been mistaken before. Do i say goodbye or do i wait and see?

I will wait another day. But i am almost ready to say thankyou, goodbye....

Its hard to face reality

You have not called me in three weeks. Yes its been a while. A month since you last touched me.

I think it's time for me to realise that its over. Its tempting to delete you from my life but i can't get myself to. I can't wait to run away next month. To be free in the world.

The reality is that despite my instincts that have time and time again failed me, i am finding that you are not into me. Its time to let go.

Time to enter the wild wonderful world of love once more. Who knows who i will meet...

From the Lobby of five star luxury

Its 7:00 in the morning and i step out of the lift of the Marriot into the lobby. Meetings start at 7:30 and I'm waiting for my boss to come down.

A nice old indian lady is sitting nearby and i smile at her. She reminds me of my mother, my auntie and every other sri-lankan elder i have ever known. She starts up a conversation and enquires about my life.

"Are you indian?"
"No, i'm sri-lankan, but its very close and similar"
"I'm from india and live in LA"
"I live in Melbourne"
"Are you here for work"
"Yes"
"Do you work in IT?"
"No, I work in energy"
*Thoughtfull moment*
"Are you an engineer?"
"Yes i am, but these days i work in sales"
*An attractive indian man walks upto her*
"This is my son, he has a sri-lankan friend, he is a surgeon, you should join us for dinner, You should take his email address......"

So i walk away with his email address. He says hello and steps back as his mother is doing quite well with this situation.

Anyway he is a surgeon in LA and very very cute.

Eventually my boss comes my way and we are off for the day.

Its funny what life throws at you, who you meet at the oddest of moments. Lets see where this takes us.

I'm still in love with him

Today was a blast from the past. I met up with an old flame that was really ever the only man that i had a real relationship with. One of those heart wrenching yet ecstatic life memories that only two lovers who come together can concot.

We are friends these days, catch up occasionally and the tenderness is still there. The friendship is as strong as ever. It always feels like no time has passed. Honesty, integrity, trust. Thats what we are made of.

And deep down i still love him and there is still that chemistry between us. Our silly jokes, our conversations, the laughs in between moments and that ability to be completely stupid together. Then there's that intellectual match and world changing discussions evaluating the ways of the world and where we fit into it all.

I wish somehow we could make it work. But he is with another. And these days being with another is serious. We are no longer kids. There are whole lives involved.

I wonder if he feels the same way? That sometimes there is an inkling in the back of his mind that perhaps we have both grown up from back in the day and that we are perfect for each other.

I still love him. I wonder if one day...

Was it revenge?

I remember a long time ago it was you and i, and then you ran away, and then i found solace in your friends arms.

It was a long time ago and it was a betrayal of our friendship. Are you getting me back by messing with her head while trying to get me too?

Perhaps i will look back one day and wish i was here again

In reality life is beautiful. The men are a plenty. I have a lovely apartment and a beautiful network of friends and family to share love and joy with. I'm a bachelorette living in a bachelorette pad and i love it.

I have many a man to choose to go on dates with. I have a high flying career and i traverse the world on a whim. Weather it be climbing a mountain, lying on an exotic beach or simply enjoying a home cooked meal with good friends, i really have it all. There is even a man that makes my heart sing even if he does not sing the same song as i.

The thing is i am truly happy right now. I am living the life. I am sure to look back on these days and treasure them in fond memories. I just need to remember to enjoy the moment.

Smile, laugh, sing, dance....

The truth of the matter is

That i have not been doing so well because of the way you have treated me.

New man on the block

I met someone new last night. K just wasn’t enough of a distraction or that was all that he was. G is still on my mind. I’m disappointed in him but my heart is still pointing his way.

So I met another one. Quite a surprise and quite different to my current type. But perhaps people come into your life to learn certain lessons. He is so emotionally available, open and honest in a really supportive way. On top of that successful in his own way, different from what I would consider the road to all you want.

He is a personal trainer who has branched out to owning studio’s and three business’. Great mindset, thinks family and friendships are incredibly important. More importantly he can express his feelings so well and understands the dynamics of men and women, how men think, how I feel and how I react. My usual emotionally distant self crumbling out of necessity to match his honesty. Its nice to meet someone who allows you to acknowledge your own feelings.

Perhaps he will be good for me. Perhaps this is a sweet distraction. Perhaps this is a lesson learnt. Perhaps this is a lifetime.

Who knows?

When trust erodes in friendship

There is a male friend of mine who i have known for eleven years. Moments in time i have had a crush on him while at other moments i have cried and confided in him. Then once he kissed me and then ran away and he hurt me and he ran away again and he came onto my friend and now he flirts with both of us at the same time.

Your real colors are showing through and it took eleven years to see that. You are not a good person. I do not like you.

I wonder if you even make it to a friend.

I'm so disappointed in you and disappointed in my judgement for not realizing what you were really like all this time.

I still like him

Not sure why as he is acting like a dick.

Yet those first few moments, the way he looked at me, the conversations, the moments and the way he held me in his arms and brushed the hair away from my eyes and looked deep into my eyes and told me he liked me. He said it with his whole body.

Who knows what the future will bring. Perhaps i will never see him again and it will ust fizzle away. It was fireworks in a smallish way. The first moments of love and romance from which i found joy and excitement. Yet this time around i have been somewhat twice removed, not quite recovered from being burnt in love so many times. I no longer put my heart on the line with the intensity and passion that i used to.

Its protected my heart this time around. We will fizzle without ever beginning.

And then my intuition tells me otherwise. The spiritual side of me is saying that he is the one, that he is thinking of me, and someday soon he will try to get it all back. That somewhere in the distant it will be him and I for all of eternity.

The tide is turning

Just as the wind changes direction, it seems my heart may actually be turning the other way. He is a man that’s been right in front of me and when I come to think of it, perhaps I never appreciated him for who he was.

It’s a weird feeling. I’m reconsidering G. He has not been around and do I really want someone that acts the way he does. And it’s getting secretive and murky now. Like he is hiding something. The little white lies, the disappearance of all things me, the disappearance of all things him from my life. I never knew him and he ran away before the final act.

But then there is a man that’s been on the sidelines for sometime. I had a fun night the other night. Our core values are the same. He is a good person. More so he is available and he is into me and he is mature and ready for something more in life.

The other day I was thinking of a child. One of my own. What it would be like to have one. What it would be like to feel that love. Some sort of maternal instinct coming through as it never has before. I could see me with a child of my own. It no longer freaks me out.

And in that light what type of man would I want. I think K wins out over G for sure.

We are on a cusp and G is losing his lustre for real this time. And that is not a bad thing.

Its been seven days

Is this really over? You have not been in touch.

The psychics in the world said you would do this. They said you were the one. So in my mind i did not panic.

But really it seems like it's over. The past few weeks you have disappeared with only the occasional call. We don't talk, we don't communicate.

I don't know how to bring up anything. I am hurting further more. You make me cry sometimes.

You and i, we have not been fireworks in any way like all the times before. You are just a guy and i am just a girl and we live in the same city and out lives just seem to fit in so many ways. I just don't see the external barriers right now, its just within us.

Perhaps we are not meant to be together. My instincts say otherwise but i have to accept also that this may be it. Game over. Your just over it, that you were never into me. I don't know why you came on so strong only to disappear.

I don't know how you feel. You make me cry.

On Getting Older

In amidst the drama and excitement i forgot how old i was. I turned 29 the other day, only a year away from the big 30. Today i went to a friends 30th.

Somehow we all got so much older without realising it. I don't know how but it just happened that way.

Once a long time ago i wanted to be be married by thirty, for my life to be sorted. I feel i need to do something with life in this year. I have sat back for long enough. I'm not sure what but its time to shine.

There is a man that can give me it all and wants to give it all. Then there is a man that seems not to care but at this moment my heart is facing his way. Is this the time to be sensible? Or do i just enjoy this one last year and be sensible after thirty?

Thats my thresh-hold. I will settle down after that. My parents can sort it out.

The man i want to spend the rest of my life with is here now. If only he will turn my way.

Somethings up

Your trying to hide something. I wonder what it is. I can feel it.

I went on a date last night

And it wasn't with you.

He's been in the background for years now. I know he's into me. He always has been. And its been so long that i even forgot why i never went for him in the first place.

He's a nice guy. Ticks all the right boxes. I'm not sure the sparks there but perhaps that can grow.

I even kissed him. I'm seeing him next week as well.

Life goes on babe. It may not be game over but boy does life keep going on!