Nothing new to see here folks

Life has become something a little simpler than usual. A little less optimistic.

He's not my ideal man. But who is?

It does not matter anymore.

He is a nice man. If it works we work. If it does not, nothing i can do. I'm ok with that. I don't think i need a man anymore.

I think i am done. If it works - it won't be damn good but it better be worth it.

Good night to you hun that does not exist in my fairy tales.

Maybe you will be my forever.
If you are not, who gives a shit.

So good bye to you or good morning,

Who Knows????

Some people are good at love...

And i feel like i have been good at everything but..

But life is a journey. And there is a man out there for me that is perfect and i cannot wait to meet him or realise he is already in my life. The magic and spark and comfort of true love.

But what is true love. How do you know? How do you pick?

It's a mater of chilling for a little while.

My Bschool friends are those i get excited about. Someone will come around one day. 

everyone enters your life for a reason

And his role was to teach me a life lesson. That chasing fairytales isn't the way to go and to see reality for what it is.

So many people around me have such fullfilling lives by sticking to their values and whats important. I on the other hand have been chasing status and money and looks.

Its not the right place and no wonder it has not worked out.

There is a perfect girl out there for him. But that girl is not me.

I am at that life stage where i want to take a step back career wise and to enjoy life with a partner who also feels the same way. Someone that wants to focus on getting married, having kids and building a life together.

He had other plans and they barely included me. Half the time i kept getting surprised and upset. A lifetime of loneliness living in the shadows of his career would not have been for me.

He has a noble profession and he will go onto save many many lives and making the world a better place.

I on the other hand will go on and build a family and a life for myself and the special people around me. I won't be saving the world but i will make that special difference and significant impact for a little bit of people in my life.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend. Goodluck and all the best with life, career and love. I hope you achieve and get everything you ever wish for in life.

Thankyou for the realisations and the life lessons. We tried so hard you and I and we can both walk away knowing that there was nothing left to do.

The end

And so it ended and yes it was bad, but you know what? Its not so bad.

I've gone through that tough time and can see clearer skies and possibly a better future. He had brought me down so much from my definition of happiness to accept so little. I am happy to be out of that.

I've felt the magic before and i will again. Better equiped with life skills.


I've made my peace and forgiven him for anything i was angry about. I feel its time to move on now with a blank slate.

This next one - It will be it. I just know it. 

Remember

Long time ago i believed in soul mates and lovers. That life was full of brightness and that one day i would end up leading spectacular.

Then life happened.

And now i settle for mediocre or barely that. I think it's amazing because the world has brought to me a sense of reality. That i am complaining or down for no reason. That what i have is actually something wonderful.

So no fireworks, no major sparks. A life thats not sad but not entirely happy either. No real hope for the future but thinking i am escapin something worse.

I have more today than what i had when expectations were high. Am i happier? I am not sure.

I'm exhausted with life.

 

Life in someone else's country

I'm back in SK and living that life once again. The business stakes are getting higher and the level of luxury is getting higher.

I spoke to my boyfriend back hom for a bit. Most of the time i just miss him and i love him. He's studying and barely has any time for that deeper level conversation but thats why they say relationships are hard.

That next stage of life. I am so ready for it and i am not.

I can feel myself getting older.

 

Life is starting to look up again

I feel better. I feel happier. I feel more confident. Its about being able to stand on my own two feet and ask for what i want. Its about taking some supplements that might help me along the way.

Perhaps i was depressed

It's wierd. The other day things got rock bottom and i went into solution mode. You know that no matter what a solution must be found at all costs.

So i filled in some surveys online, signed up for some online counselling, saw an expensive naturopath etc etc

And i discovered the herbal equivalent of an anti depressant. I tool st johns wort and felt like me again. The anxiety gone, i was calm, i could sleep again, i felt motivated and even happy. I felt that clarity of mind that i had been searching hard for all this time.

So does this mean i was depressed?

I've been reading about it. Catching myself with the negative thoughts. Seeing the better side and seeing that the world is actually a great place.

I still get stressed but can definitely deal with things better. Heck i even feel happy again. 

Maturity gives you certain life lessons

And its up to us to learn and follow. Sometimes i don't take my own advice but you got here today being the best person you can be and all the mistakes made in the past lead you to who you are now. You have your good points and bad and you will continue to work on both.

Your life is as good as it gets this moment. Appreciate it for you will look back and reminisce on how good it was. This moment is precious. Everyone in your life is precious.

Appreciate who you are. Be true to yourself. Appreciate those around you.

So for the future:
* Get fit. Exercise again. Take advantage of the lovely surrounding around you.
* See your parents more.Be good to them.
* Appreciate your boyfriend. Love him and be kind and patient.
* Focus on your work and give it your all.
* Keep in touch with your friends more
* Work on that social enterprise
* Contact the entrepreneurs group and get involved.
* Be kind to yourself. Get massages, manicures and hair cuts. Let yourself relax.

Time for that new years resolution a few days too late me thinks...

Another year here

Time is passing by. Its a funny life.

I'm with a man that i love. We have problems but we seem to have a resolve to solve them too. A maturity that sticks through time.

I want to settle down. I want to have kids. I want to get married. I'm ready for a new life and done with this one.

He is the ideal man for that next step.

But also, i like spending time with him. He's a good, simple man.

Lets hope i can make it work. Lets hope we can make it work. 

In my element

Tonight i helped out with some entreprenuers - some CEO's to be with some great ideas. I put my skills to use.

But at the negotiation table i was in my element. That tough chick that can take control of a board room and reduce others to shreds. Well that is me. I'm that fiesty girl in the corner that surprises everyone with my skills and ambition.

Is it experience?

Who knows but i love it!

I felt alive, i feel excited, i feel happy.

I added so much value.

Life

What of it?

Once upon a time i dreamed of something big. Of falling in love with the man of my dreams, looking deeply into his eyes, kissing him ever so gently and deeply.

This is a thing of the past. I have a guy i think is seemingly nice. But are not made of dream. I get a peck on the cheek here and there but he loves me in his own way. Sometimes i think there is a wall within him. I wonder if i will ever get through.

The things is i'm not happy and i don't know what to do. He isn't even within reach.

The weekend was a freinds beautiful wedding. A wedding of a friend who wanted me more than her and i refused. And now its him and her and me and another. I wish he could miss me the way i do him.

I can't leave him. I will regret it. And besides i'm hopeless at relatonships.

Those dreams of younger days are gone.

How i wish for the innocence of youth. 

Last night i had a good time but..

So the suburbs were kind of nice. Not exactly what i wanted but it was nice just the same.

But this morning i woke up and he was sleeping and i just wanted to leave and now i'm back home and unhappy.

I called mum. She said this is life but in a real nice way.

The thing is, I'm not sure i want the solitary life that he offers. Maybe i need more than him.

I'm just not sure. I wish i could be happier.

I sometimes think if i find a man with a similar 9-5 to me, maybe the times spend together will be beautiful. Did living with that boy spoil me forever?

I don't know what to do....

Is this it?

So i am with him. Yet sometimes i wonder if we have anything in common at all. He wants me to come over to his place. We are going to go to some restaurant in the suburbs. That boring life that scares me.

In my heart of hearts i am trying to find a legitimate excuse to not turn up but i have to go. Is this the life i want to live?

Today we both had days off. For a change. On a rare occasion. He went home to study. I visited my parents. He wants me to come over and we will do what he wants to do.

Can i do this? Do i need that passion in life?

The other night i lost my keys and i couldn't depend on him.

My mum has been in hospital and yes he tried to see her once after a friends party but he hasn't even bothered since.

He doesn't want me to come to lanka with him. I attend my friends wedding alone.

A mediocre life. Is this what i want?

Who am i kidding. We are not in love. I sometimes look at him and don't know what to say. That comfort is not between us. Sometimes it feels amazing in the night. But in all reality, i'm not sure. He doesn't really listen to what i want. Its always what he wants.

There was glamour associated with being with him. Now not so much. Is my own life alone better than whats on offer. Maybe i need that spark.

On missing a younger self that believed

I remember when i believed in soul mates and twin flames and thought i had met with eternity. That something special existed in the world and perhaps i had found it. And these day beaten away, what do we even say. Its another life.

I criticise him for losing that magic but so have i.  I don't even fantasise that he may be the one. He's a nice boy offering something more than a dull life and someone i can cuddle with.

On loving your man

I look at him sometimes and i love him so. Its so nice to be lying in his arms. Outside the night, outside the bed we are ok. But by night we hold each other tight and have these deep conversations and the way he gently touches my hand in his. Its the things that dreams are made of.

And in some sort of mediocrity maybe we found something spectacular. To have a man that is like him, so generous despite his kinks and also for us to share what we hare with each other. Special has another name.

This isn't mediocre.

This is a wonderful life.

So this is life

And there is a strange sense of comfort in it too. He wants a mediocre life free of lifes hassles. He doesn't believe in love per se. Not the earth shattering love that knows too many outs and boundaries. He puts forward a philosophy to life based on sustainability and longelivity.

Maybe he is right.

This is a very different relationship. I am sitting here in the same room as him. Yet i am doing my own thing and he does his. In any other relationship we would be touching and kissing and cuddling. In this its just normal. Is this friendship.

Do i need more? Why don't we speak more.

Sometimes i'm sad. Other times maybe its ok.

I miss that old feeling tho. That feeling of being in love

Loveless

The other day I told him I loved him. I felt it too. His reaction . Barely anything. Perhaps I am not in love. I cry myself to sleep. 

He's moved on

When you first see that picture and you see her in his arms. How happy she looks. How he holds her the way he used to hold you. You remember the memories.

And your with a man that is everything he wasn't that you wanted. Yet you lost something for what you gained.

You know your in the right place with the right man.

But for you and I, it was foolish young love that has that certain ring to it that is almost dillusional. I miss that crazy falling in love, looking deep into each others eyes and falling in love time and time over.

I don't have that with my man. I probably never will. Its not his personality.

But in a lot of ways i get what i need from him. Everything we didn't have actually.

I guess you can't have everything.

I feel a little sad. Actually a lot sad at seeing her in your arms. I do miss you. I crave for you. But you know, its over now.

You went your way. I went mine.

No matter how much i miss you. How much you miss me. It's gone now.

Goodbye to you my love. That last bit of youth. Thank you for the memories of feeling that crazy love, even if it was for a moment that could not last.

I loved you at that time. 

That pang of anxiety

Dealing with his odd hours. He's most likely asleep. A hard working man.

But i miss not hanging out as a normal couple would. Of having a routine and seeing my man regularly. His social awkwardness that i adore but can leave me wanting more. Do i trust my instincts that something could be wrong.

Or do i just try harder. Relationships are difficult things that need trust and care and understanding and kindness. He's a lovely guy and its about being patient and making it work.

Will he call me back tonight. Yes of course. When he wakes up.

The price of success. 

A Perfect Boyfriend but...

So to have the man that all girls dream of. yes Mc Dreamy. The ER doc who turns up in scrubs after a shift in ER and will move his world for you.

Yet little comments make me defensive. I love him to bits but its a question of self respect.

The other day he joked with his friends that i was a 9-5. I hate that. My career is so much more. The other day he said he wants his kids to be doctors. I felt like i didn't matter.

I want kids to grow up respecting both me and him. Having a choice but also seeing that my life is also amazing.  That its respected. That its important.

And perhaps this is where that sudden bout of ambition comes from. Striving to be the best i can be.

feeling a lill lost

I feel like i have explored a lot of not so trodden paths. These days i feel a little lost. Yet also like i have achieved so much. That nothing is really worth changing in my life and if it wasn't for all that went on before, my life would not be as amazing as it is now.

To have a man with such a great heart that calls me all the time. Sure he is busy saving lives and working hard. But i am that sanctuary he craves at the start and end of each of his days.   And i, i love my life and i love the way he treats me.

He spoils me rotten and is that ideal boyfriend. And i know i can be that girl by his side that has it all together that drives him wild.

Its time and experience and confidence that allows such strong working relationships.

So thankyou for all the risks you took and for all that heart ache that never worked.

Everything is falling into place now because of all that did not in the past. 

What if you can afford it all

I grew up in a world of moderation and luxury. So what does that mean you ask?

I grew up to affluent parents who had migrated to a new country looking for new beginnings. They brought just enough wealth to be comfortable but the key was family values and faith in education and being a good person. Yes they took lowly jobs and they sought out the best that life could be with the cards that were drawn for them. They chose family and kids over building their own careers.

And i grew up in a middle class family in a bad neighbourhood with parents that had their dreams shattered for the sake of their kids.

And i grew up confident and classy and beautiful. Educated in the west in private girl schools, attending the best universities in the world, entering the workforce on top of my game and knowing only success.

With the cards i was dealt there really was no need to save. I worked hard, i studied hard and just as my parents said hard work pays off, i graduated into a world where i could afford multiple properties, overseas holidays, designer handbags, tiffany's and the car that i want. The savings piled up regardless and when i wanted to take a year off to do my MBA, well it required no change in lifestyle.

I guess i must just be lucky. 

thinking of my younger self

I read on about the past and question if i want to be there. The youth i miss and the time i miss. Yet time has brought confidence and a desire to be myself.

I know how to have a relationship these days and to compromise and to prioritise. I know how to have an amazing relationship with a man who is serious and calls me every night. I have the confidence to put work second and see that jet setting isn't full filling.

I have the education to be who i want to be and go where i want.

Sometimes life is beautiful. I miss my man right now but i know he is thinking of me and in time we will be together.

New Horizons

Life sometimes works out beautifully and you realise everything happens for a reason. On reconnecting with my roots and finding love elsewhere.

To that ambitious man with a heart of gold and down to earth manner and just a touch of arrogance that drives me crazy. To falling asleep in his arms knowing the future is in his arms.

Life sometimes feels all over the place. The state of the economy, growing older, life in general. Smooth sailing career wise for so long. Now its smooth sailing relationship wise.

It's where you focus really. Here's to really loving life again.

Patience is not my strong point but i am trying

There is a man i love and its really all been me with all the issues and problems. As 5 months of unemployment would have it.

I opened my heart to him and he was wonderful. And i took advantage of his generosity and pushed him aay as much as he could. A wall i put up for protection.

Now his dad is here and he has no time for me. Too much on. I just need to be patient and let life roll as it should.

I love him a lot and i hope i have not gone too far. If i have i have done the best i can with what i know and for that next big thing i will be a better person. But its about becoming a better person with him for i love him to bits.

I hope we can make it work. A bit of space and time and distance to make a heart grow fonder and love to shine through for we do love each other to bits.

Good night my lovely. I love you more than anything and miss you even more. I send messages of this to the net for i do not know that you want to hear this right now.

A man that i love

I think he is wonderful. This is a life lesson in compromise. And if we make it through we will become better people for it.

I need to meet him half way. Or even where he is. Respect his model of the world and understand mine is different. In times of trouble do it his way and give myself a break. Love him unconditionally.


He is a lovely wonderful man with the best of intentions.

On kicking new goals

And works brilliant. I love it. I am really kicking some massive goals. I feel like me again. 

To the love of my life

I'm sorry i stuffed up and just didn't appreciate the way i should have. You have been amazing and i need to seperate the culture and the age out of us to see that your intentions have always been pure and the best.

The thing is i love you to bits. I crave to fall asleep in your arms. Instead i write to the internet.

Good night baby. I miss you a lot. I hope i can speak to you soon. I love you. 

To the boy that used to be my world,

I never actually thought i would be writing to the internet instead of you. I somehow thought you were different. And it turns out that you may have been the worst. 

If your with a guy and you cry yourself to sleep at night because of him, then perhaps he is not the guy for you. 

If someone walks out of your life, just let them. There is no point begging or anything. Because the faith you need is that they know what you need and will be able to give it to you. Stop holding onto bits of nothing like you always have in the past and have some self respect. 

He has left. Let him be. You don't need to make him your everything. 

Somewhere along the way i made mistakes. Maybe its time to say goodbye and never make those mistakes ever again. Be with someone knew and accept that this was never going to work.

So that man i fell in love with is no longer here. 

A strange feeling of comfort

Its been a few tough weeks and i've wondered how i ended up where i am. But it gets to that stage where you realise you need to stop hurting and just get on with life. If he pulls away, just let him go and find my own life to enjoy rather than being so needy.

It will drive him nuts. As it already is.

I miss me and him. The way we used to be. The guy i thought he was.

Having invested so much time into this. Maybe its time to say goodbye. Maybe its time to work through all this. I'm not sure his family is bearable in my world.

I miss who he used to be. Or pretended to be. I know i;m in the wrong but today the way he was speaking, i felt like it was me against him and his family. And its not a nice feeling. I want to be with a man that thinks the world of me.

Thinking thinking.
Is this the life i want?

Is it time for that thankyou goodbye?

On letting life pass you by

I once had goals and ambitions and dreams. And then money stopped being a problem. I met a guy i loved. I got carried away and trusted him a little too much. We get angry, we fight. The things is, are my core values being compromised. Neither of us are right or wrong.

I love him and him me.

But tonight he sleeps elsewhere. He is sick. If we had a relationship i would be over looking after him right now. But i'm not sure if i am welcome.

I think what we used to have is gone.

Will it ever come back?

Mixed emotions

I'm in KL feeling like i hate him. I want a response and wishing i hadn't emailed. How did something so pure and wonderful turn into this?

Should i just have faith that he is amazing and go with it? Am i getting what i want out of this? If he disapeared from my life would i be ok?

Can i do better?

Do i love him?

Which way does the wind blow

I know one day i will miss these moments when he is so patient and kind. But at the end of the day i am not getting what i want from him.  Is it a matter of being patient and kind. Is this different to other times where i have picked fights. Am i really not getting what i want? Why am i craving for another man that i have not yet met.

I'm not wishing he was here. That magic is gone. Will it come back immediately? Will life work out for us.

I think time will tell. Its about having a go and having an open mind but standing by my needs as well. I can't keep this up for too long.

There are things i want from life and i know i am being impatient. He is a good looking boy who is fun to be with. Is he the guy to settle down with though? Will he ever. There is many a man i could settle down with.  Somebody ready to commit and ready for the next stage in their life.

Chasing fairy tales has gone on for long enough. Were we a holiday romance that dragged on too long during the course of a year off to study. Real life is setting in and our differences show.

He sends me beautiful messages. Buys me flowers. Drowns me with gifts and attention. Yet he has betrayed me also. He talks shit about me to his sister and his friends. A man i loved and trusted and wanted so much to be that couple with. He's lost my trust. All relationships lose their trust.

I dream of a man that will be by my side and stand up for me no matter what. I hope he can be that man.

Crying my eyes out

I'm still here in a wolrd thats mine but not mine at the same time. Another night where i just can't sleep. I'm in a relationship but not happy with it anymore.

Is it something wrong with me or is it the relationship.

What to do.

Once upon a time

All the things i love about him :

1. He is sweet and gentle

2. He is always reachable

3. He is always there when i need him

4. He tries his best to make my day special

5. He can't live without me

6. He craves my attention

7. Not a thing happens without him sharing the details with me

8. He cares about family and society and keeping the peace and calm

9. He has a great relationship with his family

10. He loves me

All the good things about him moving out:

1. Its doing the right thing

2. In the long run both sets of parents will be happy

3. I can travel and spend time alone as much as i want

4. I have more time to call friends and do my own thing when i feel like it

5. The time we spend together will be because we want to

6. we'll have a place to crash in the city

7. I can enjoy the life of freedom for a bit more time

8. It will give him space to miss me

All the things this will enable me to do:

1. Make more friends. C and S

2. Travel adhoc more. B and S

3. Wash my hair alone on some night

4. Enjoy the occasional night at banf

5. Dinner parties: G&N, S&D

6. Sunday sessions at my place, VDBMALS

7. Have my parents around more

8. Catch up with my sister alone

9. study and make new friends

All up there are good things in this. My feelings are out of some past hurt. This will work. He is sweet. I love him to bits.

A changing of the tide

A few days alone in a place that used to be home and visiting family and getting to know my roots and I am not so sure of him. Yes i love him, but i see a young boy finding his way in life. If he were to ask me to marry him tomorrow i would say yes because thats what i truly deeply want. But its these games we play and the life we lead and the things we do that do not lead to what we want that i can't quite deal with.

At the moment i have a boy i love. A few years ago i would have killed for a man that treated me so well. But now i want to settle down and the allure of these arranged marriages seem to grow stronger each day. I am scared of waiting around for nothing. That his promises and his words are not truth.

With him is leading a life thats half baked. I am making sacrifices but not getting what i want. The thing is how long do i wait. Am i sabotaging things too early when he has come through every other time. Does a one time blemish have to stay lingering for so long. Do i let it go and believe in the goodness in his heart.  How long do i wait?

How do i keep quiet and happy in the meantime when deep down i am not happy.

Is it through career. Getting it back on track and then sorting out the rest. For that sense of financial security is gold.  Is it for asking for what i want some more. A sense of space and time. A little time to be on my own and cool down and just be ok. More time for friends and making deeper connections. Sharing all the pitfalls in life with others and not just him. Recognising that he has chosen to move away.

I just want to be free again sometimes but when reality hits i know i'll miss him like crazy. Its about taking what you have and being happy with it all. Life doesn't always hand you what you want in life but its about looking on the brighter side and appreciating all the good things in life.

I have a boy thats dotes on me, thinks of me all the time and is stuck between a relationship and his youth. He wants the experience of wonder that the world offers and the security of a relationship with a girl he loves but has done it all. He tried so hard to be his best. Its about appreciating that man rather than picking holes. Its about being happy with me so that the little things don't matter. It's trying to feel secure about things again. I just really need to be happy again and get to that good place. I craved this so bad and now i have it. Appreciate it!!

You got what you wanted and only patience will get you the rest. 

Diving in head first

I've always loved taking chances and giving life everything. It's something i have loved about me. I want life to be spectacular. I want only the best. And so far in time in relationships its been reciprocated so few times.

I was starting to settle for good enough. And then one man came my way and for about six months life was perfect. And then little by little the trust eroded. But then it didn't. It came back. And now its nice with a few insecurities but promises of forever.  The diving in head first has left me somewhat vulnerable.

But then a man that takes your heart and breaks it apart is not worth it at all. And its better to find out now than later. Or you can give this everything you have and make it work. Make it work so much that you will wonder why you ever doubted it in the first place.

On many an occasion he has surprised me with amazing feats. I should just be patient and have that faith that he will make my world spin. There will be little blemishes in life. The strength of a couple is in getting past them. The memories of those good times are what we should remember to help us get through.

At the end of the day i love him with all my heart. A little more balance in life now might be just perfect. Perfect all round for a fabulous life for you and I.

Realisations on career

That i'm driven and motivated and born to succeed. That i love the feeling of travel and the taste of success. That i have not led myself astray in focusing on it and that taking a step back to put other things first has been fruitful in growing an amazing relationship but also to realise that putting career second is like clipping my wings.

And now its time to fly and be free. With a boy on my side that i love and the freedom to shine.

It's about being true to yourself and being the best you can be. 

Studying is like traveling without traveling

Because it changes who you are. Every time I leave home and return, its like i don't belong anymore. I've discovered and learnt new things and become someone else. The people around me are somewhat the same except they have forged new friendships and changed in many ways to fill the gap left by my void. And you feel this the most with those who are closest to you. People learn to live without you. You are no longer as close as you used to be.

So a new chapter must start and i wonder who these new friends of mine will be. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head but maybe i just need to enrol in a few things and forge some closer friendships with people i click with in the moment. Maybe work will bring more in this way.

I feel this will be healthy for me and my relationship. To have the time and space to build up a life i love again. Spend moments with my parents. To appreciate family.

At the moment i resent him for not always being around. But thats because i drop my world for him and make him my everything. Its not healthy for me. Its not healthy for him. A bit of space and doing our own things will get us to appreciate what we really do have. Which is amazing.

Like right now. I love that i am here alone. This trip would not of worked with us together. Too much pressure.  And its getting us closer together. So perhaps what we need is just a little bit of space to have our own lives while being completely madly in love with each other and spending time together.

Maybe its about enlisting in classes and learning new things and enjoying the world. Maybe i should learn to dance or something like that. Get those creative juices flowing. 

to sort out some loose ends

So i checked his messages and found some pretty intimate conversations about how much he disliked me. He was musing with his sister and calling her pet names.

We got over it. He said sorry.

Yet things just feel really weird.

I feel we should sort this out before out one year and that fabulous holiday for it hasn't. How to sort it out though.

A quick email or in person.

musings at night

Things have changed lately. I'm on holiday back in a land that was once home and spending time on my own visiting relatives. These are times of self discovery and realisations. Of experiences that change your word and you perception of the way things are.

I'm touched by the generosity and goodwill and kindness i see all around me. I miss the sense of family and belonging that comes so naturally and that gets taken for granted. For the first time ever i feel a sense of home.

Back in my real home my lovely parents await. They too just love this place. Take away the ameneties and the niceties of life that make it all so comfortable and you wonder what a sterile world home can be. Yes i love being on my own but i see something here that is so wonderful.

I keep in touch with my boy everyday and he praises me with words of love and happiness. Everything a girl would ever want to hear from their man. Yet there is an emptiness associated with me and him. Of me wanting something more and him being only a boy with a magical world to explore. A magical world i have already explored and now have new sights in mind.

I do love him. I feel i need to get to know him more. Part of me just wants to settle down. The other part of me just wants to get to know who he really is because i really do wonder about that.

For a while it was going so swimmingly. We were living together and things were getting to that feeling of stability and commitment that makes you feel wonderful when you fall asleep in his arms each night. But now he is moving out with a friend and needs a little space. He says not much will change. I am holidaying on my own.

There are so many wonderful moments though. He spoils me on all occasions. A boy that gushes over you with tiffany's and roses and words of love and beauty. A boy that misses me to bits when i am not around and seems to be a little lost.

I'm just a little worried but its probably nothing that a little time and patience can't solve. I want to feel that depth of security and love again. In time it will come i hope.

Maybe for the moment its about figuring out what my needs and wants are. I like my space and have not asked for it out of fear that he will move away. But staying has not helped. Maybe a night a week alone would do us wonders. And those phone calls to friends i have not made because he is in my company always. Perhaps i should make time for them. And that occasional trip alone, well why not. Its not like we don't do most things together. A little time on my own occasionally with the comfort of knowing your relationship can survive anything, if not get stronger may be a good thing in the context of being together for eternity.

A chance to be me and who i am and adjust to a way of life that really works.

I want to feel happy again about me and him. For us to act out of love and kindness and passion for each other. I want to feel nothing but goodness towards him for he really is a wonderful man that is trying his best.

The freedom of Travel

So i got a job. I got the relationship back on track. But really its the thought of travel and being free in the world that actually excites me. Its what makes me feel alive and real.

It's about finding my true self and life looking up again. 

Life Skills in making it all work

Relationships are hard work. They always will be. Its the effort you put in and the faith you have that ends up in right place.

We had problems. We talked it out. We worked it out. He is not perfect. Neither am i. But together this is stronger than anything i have ever known.

It's not exactly what i want but life goes on. I can make it work. Moments were lovely and we are heading in the right direction. I love him lots and am starting to see the real him. Him with I too.

Life is starting to get back to normal. Jobs are plenty, life is beautiful.

I want to move onto another stage in life but my boy is not ready for that yet. I want to move with him to a beautiful place. Wake up to waves crashing against our bedroom window.

The end of unemployment

And today i got some relief. A victory really and a sense of achievement. It may be a backward step in other's mind but this is exactly what i want. Time to spend with my parents. A job selling billion dollar deals. Based out of the city i love and want to be in.

There is a man in my life who is so lovely. But also a little bit flaky because he is so young. I'm in two minds. Do i tell my mum to just set me up with some man from lanka. Settle down because i am ready and live happily ever after as that is what i want. Or do i keep going with this.

The thing is i loved who he used to be. Now he is unsure and i have no confidence. So is it time to just walk away.

Almost doesn't count... that's what keeps repeating in my mind.

I thought he was everything. He turned out to be like every other man in my life - temporarily disguised as something more.

I have a job now. Maybe i let him go and see what happens. Have my own life.

Do i tell my mum to find someone for me. Let her introduce me to a man that wants me to make a sacrifice. To someone that wants to settle down. I'm the girl who's super successful but willing to give it all up for a man thats sure about it all.

The thing is he is not.

Is it time to say goodbye?

Maybe - but stay low for a bit while you figure it out....

The lucky one

Its one of those days. It's been a while since i've had that fabulous feeling. But then at times i realise how fabulous the world actually is. When things start crashing down, its about remembering who i really am.

So i have more education than most in the world. Prestigious universities. An engineering degree and an MBA from only the best in the most liveable city in the world.  I've worked for the tier 1 companies all my life and known nothing but success. I've travelled the world for pleasure and work. Spend time at airports and business lounges contemplating buying that designer handbag most could only dream of.

I have a home with ocean views. A boy that dotes on me and love me and holds me so tight every night. Parents that love me.

I'm actually one of those people that have achieved what others may called a pipedream. I;ve jumped out of a plane, i've spend a month trekking through the himalayas, i've fallen off a surfboard and struggled to get up while falling off my ski's on snow. I've wished i could walk better in stilletos in the snow while on a business trip to the other side of the city.

I was able to take a year off and more and sustain myself in a luxury world. Holidays amoungst study. I own two investment properties, a share portfolio i have lost track of, a luxury apartment decked out with only the best.

So i've been unemployed for a bit since finishing study. The thing is i'm also picky. I only want to do what i am passionate about and to have a job i love. I get along well with CEO's and am someone amazing set to achieve big things in life.

This feeling of stress and insecurity that i feel at times. I will look back and laugh. For one day , even today the job will come. Its a matter of seeing reality for what it is. I have this amazing life and it takes hard work and time and patience to keep at it. I couldn't of made any decision any differently because every step i have taken has led me to where i am.

Is there anyone i wish i was? No way.

There is no one with the success' behind them and the personal relationships i have that would want to make me swap my life with anyone.  Life is just really good and its about appreciating the good things in life.

Thankyou world for giving me so much and continuing to do so. 

One of those days

I need to find a job.

I'm hungry for it. I know what i want. To work for a multinational in sales in the power sector.

But my search is far and wide after four months of unemployment. Its been a while. It's placing strain on my relationships. I have a man that i love but he is leaving.  Sort of. He still treats me better than any man has ever. Its just he's not meeting up to the standards that he himself has set. And i miss his old self

But i guess life is about compromises. If he was making too many, now is my time.

I love him. I want a job. I want life back on track again.

Willing that perfect role to come my way. Sending good vibes.

Watching the sunset over the ocean from my apartment window

How far i have come and yet i am still so young.

I have been unemployed for a while now. With plenty of money in the bank life is still good. I watch the ships come in during morning and night. I live with a boy that i love who treats me like a princess.
Yet there is a certain sense of loneliness.

We are ages apart. He is at a different life stage. Yet he has always surprised me with all that is in him. He has always been lovely.

What will life bring? It's one of those odd times in life. Somewhat unsettling. Somewhat calm and peaceful.

I will look back at these moments and cherish them. 

smelling roses in the sunshine

It has been a while and oh so how life has changed. Business School is over, i am madly in love with my new man and soul mate and searching for a new career direction to bring wealth and success into my life.

My man is wonderful and gentle and everything i have ever wished for and more. He holds my hand and makes me smile.  I wake up in his arms every morning and fall asleep to his breath on my hair. We share our highs and our lows and know that no matter what, we will always have each other. Together we are that spectacular couple.

With Business School long gone, my next calling is yet to be defined but i interview amongst the worlds leaders in boardrooms high across the world. The opportunities i get are only what others can hope to achieve and i glaze through life with everything i touch turning to gold.

Right now life is pretty good. Life is falling into place. A little unsettled at times with a career not yet defined but the building blocks of success are at our doorsteps.

Still have my moments

At times i am spectacularly happy to have got away from you. To have had the chance to experience business school with all that i have an immerse myself into it and love it as much as i hate it.

It's a bitter sweet experience of gaining confidence, knowing you can achieve anything and being scared that the only thing you need to worry about in life is simply being too successful. That th boy that you thought you were falling for, that your gut feel was spot on and that he really wasn't for you. Lessons learnt in love and friendship amougst gaining that business education that gives you an understanding of the world as you never have before. A certain thirst for knowledge that only you can love and appreciate.

I'm still in the library. It's 8PM on a saturday night. I am studying away. My place is a mess. If we had of been together i would be stressing about who you were out with, trying to look pretty for when you dropped by and have an immaculate house at the same time.

It is nice just to be me. Away from you.

I fell for the guy you pretended to be. I miss him but the fact that he was never real to begin with helps in getting over you. I liked you because you were a nice guy and you proved my judgement wrong.

Hello to a new man in my life, whoever he may be. I hope he is kind and generous and clever and good hearted.

On being an everybody else

Business school is a funny place. It frightens you, it pushes you, it tears apart your life into pieces and makes you pick yourself up when you least want to. It pushes you endlessly to really find out who your real friends are, what matters most in life and see the true shades of all around you.

Little by little you start hating this cauldron of capitalism but them in moments of despaire you find this incredible support network of people that have walked in your shoes before, of people that are walking beside you now and of people who are eagerly awaiting to be where you are and also people that dream of being where you are.

And yes it defines you but it also makes you stronger. Makes you realise whats important. Makes you prioritise what it is you want in life.

For all the bitterness in my life, i have simply learnt some life lessons faster than i would have otherwise. Got a little closer to myself and a little closer to that picture of the man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

Only time will tell but i suspect as i have every other time, i will look back with a smile and a good riddance for a man that just wasn't strong enough to be part of my life.

I'm spectacular and every thing in my life is spectacular. You were ordinary and bringing me down with you.

Thankyou for the lessons and for being such a flake. Thats what makes it easy to walk away from you. 

The world at your fingertips

These days i've been feeling good. A sense of relief to be free of him even though i never had the guts to break it off myself. A sense that he was holding me back.

And its raining men these days. How do you choose who you give your heart to.

I feel like things are going right again. I'm more open and emotional and i love it. I'm smart and capable but know myself so well that i can figure out whats important in life.

Life just works. 

An element of desperation

Its exactly 9.13PM and all is quiet in the business school library and syndicate rooms. All working away with momentary lapses into craziness, sheer terror, panic and an occasional game of foosball thrown in for good measure. Its a finance midterm tomorrow morning and there is a general level of alarm in the air.

A group of people who signed up and paid to put themselves through torture and challenge. At this moment its hard to see why we do this but all we can hope is that one day we will look back and see how this has made us stronger somehow. 

4am

I woke up at 4am, sweating and in a panic over not knowing how arbitrage works between fixed and floating point interest rates and currencies.

This is my life. 

Stressful moments in business school

I had a test this morning, just like every week on mondays and wednesdays. I have a presentation to give tomorrow on airline pricing mechanisms. Another country skit of global business economics on wednesday and a finance midterm i haven't started studying for on thursday that looks ever so foerign. I've forgotten what cases i have, exams approaching and a trip to China.

Its a stressful moment in business school where it just feels ever so overwhelming. Its that last leg to freedom and so close to the finish line but a lifetime of work away.

I've lost my relationship, i've lost that enthusiasm for business and that ambition of early days. I feel someone defeated, a little bit closer to myself. I'm not sleeping, i'm not eating.

I feel like i am living in a constant state of panic. I just can't wait until April.

Saying goodbye

I new what i was doing today. I asked to meet with you. I asked to speak with you. You said no. I sent you an email and initiated my own closure.

I knew that the best way to get you back was to let it be. But i moved things forward so i could move on. Its that fine line between the patience and pain being worth it or not. Yes i made a mistake but dwelling on these things gets you nowhere.

You've turned into someone i don't know. Your no longer the guy i fell for. I have gotten over many a man with an email of closure. And pressing send was a sense of associated relief to get on with life. Its also made me wonder if i want you back.

I always hoped you'd come back to me in a period when i hadn't left in my head.

Its another thankyou, goodbye.

On learning about yourself and being a better person

On reflection, this MBA is about growth. Personal growth and intellectual simulation. I can regret chasing dreams and it ruining something in my laugh.

But at the end of the day this is simply helping me to grow and become a better person. The stress that i'm experience right now and getting caught up in the world that has made me lose perspective. It was likely to happen in the future also. And i would have reacted and acted and done and said things i didn't mean. But in the future it has far greater implications and with the pace of life much slower, it had the potential to cause more slow gradual damage which would have been worse.

Knowing how you react to stress is important. Knowing your limitations is important. Them being tested and finding out earlier is important. Knowing that a relationship can weather a storm is important.

I know for the future to be a different person. I was destructive when together, i was jealous and tried to make you jealous of me.  Like attracts like and perhaps now that i have removed and dealt with that jealousy, perhaps its time for you and I to end. I have learnt my lesson and perhaps the future does not hold for us.

I look back and am truly sorry for the way i treated you. For going after another man, for flirting, for not valuing your opinion, for cutting you down and for getting mad, angry and irrational. I really did try to improve myself while i was with you and did all i could to be a good person. Life just threw in its pressure and at times i lost it.  I always wanted to communicate with you more and did feel a missing link. I think that missing link was not knowing what it was that you were bottling up all the time that made you burst like this.

It's sad that you can throw this away like this. That there is no decency of a conversation or an offer for reconciliation, closure or friendship. Your running away from life and i guess in a lot of ways it says a lot about you. I know your doing your best with what you know. I know your hurting.

If we are meant to be we will be. Otherwise we came together for a brief moment in time to learn some life lessons. I've learnt and grown and know i will be a better person for it. I have no regrets in life for all our mistakes are life lessons that make us a better person and life is about constantly improving ourselves.

Goodbye to you my star crossed lover. Thank you for the good times and the memories and making me feel so special. I'll miss you and only time will tell what becomes of us.

I'm just another one, just like the rest of them

They tell you things about business school. About breaking ups and stress levels and losing yourself and finding yourselves and moments of despair and panic and pleasure and loss.

You think your not one of them. That somehow your better than them. But the thing is your human too. You get caught up in it all. The stress kicks in and then they increase the dial. They throw a million things at you, once in a lifetime opportunities amongst the threats of failure and ruin. You don't know which way to look.

Some times i look around and see looks of pure panic and alarm around me.  I feel sick. I lose sight of who i am. I make mistakes. It takes you breaking up with me to take the time to stop and realise this.

But you know what. Life is tough right now but i am proud of myself. I am a good person. I did the best i could.

If you decide to walk away from me, i will let you go.

I am no longer the girl by your side. 

On being the best person you could possibly be

Everything i have done to date is just me being me and trying my best to be the best person i can be. Yes i make mistakes. Yes sometimes i am irrational and not always perfect. I say things i don't mean and every now and then loose myself. I go off on tangents, down the right paths and off track at times.

In the end i make it work. In the end i apologise when i need to, forgive when i need to and thank myself and feel proud when i need to.

The MBA pushes you. It has your hot buttons and pressure points all round.  I was doing too much and chasing other peoples dreams, trying to impress people i don't respect to get a job that i don't care to have. I lost sight of who i was and where i was going and what was important to me and lost sight of those that love me, care for me and support me the most.

It took him breaking up with me to learn a life lesson. He has tured cold and hard and into someone i do not know.

There are many a man in the see. I am a beautiful person. You can accept me for who i am with all my flaws or you can leave my life and fading memories will be all there is.

I'm feeling better now. 

All the lessons i have learnt

* Family provides unconditional support and love in times of need
* Your true friends will call you in the middle of the night if you need to cry.
* To appreciate the balance and friendships in life
* Work is just a means to an end. It's not going to wipe away your tears
* That i make mistakes and i will in the future. I will own up to them and grow and learn from them. What i need in a man is one that accepts me for me and all my imperfections and is committed to working through the difficult times.
* Life is beautiful
* I have a wonderful life
* The freshair and the beauty of where i live is a luxury not many will ever see
* That wallowing is punishing yourself for being human.
* That perhaps i idealised what we had.  I felt insecure with you.  Is this something that can be worked on and overcome. Yes definitely but it needs two people.
* That sometimes you need to let someone go and if they come back to you and your still in that headspace it might work out.
* That only the future knows what life has installed for us. It's about enjoying moments.
* That in your lowest hour the people that come to your aid, take your breath away. Its beautiful the amount of love and support i have. One day i will look back on this and see it as a show of love and effection from loved ones.

Thankyou for the memories

People have had their heart broken before, someone's heart is getting broken right now, people will have their hearts broken again in the future.

Life is wonderful. It's hard to see through the fog sometimes.

So yesterday i was in denial. I apologised for my mistakes. I tried reaching out to you. At the same time i leant on friends and family and found that i was never alone. The investment i made the last few years in strengthening these really shows when in times of hardship. From two friends that called at 3AM to listen to me cry to a friend who kept me company at 6AM so i wouldn't be alone to my mum and dad who told me to come back home for a few days so i can be looked after. Constant calls from friends and coffees and concern and talking about life.

Yes what we had was wonderful. Some things were not working. I think i made a pretty big mistake. But the thing is i did the best i could with the knowledge and communication skills i have. I realised my mistake and i apologised to you. I may have lost you and something that could have been. But in reality, i will always make mistakes and i will always look to learn and grow from them. Forgiveness and growing together are part of relationships. If you can tell me one night that your dad and me are the most important aspects of your life right now and then break up with me the next day and walk away so easily. Well then perhaps i am just idealising what i no longer have.

I woke up this morning with mixed emotion. I looked at myself in the mirror and told me i looked beautiful. I went for a walk in the fresh air and felt like throwing my arms wide, laughing with joy and tears. I'm lucky to have all that i have. I have beautiful friends and family. I am taking a year off to study and grow and develop myself even more. I am learning so much about myself. I live in a beautiful city, have no money worries, I have a heart of gold and love myself.

This is me. I'm sorry. You breaking up with me and delivered more life lessons that i thought. I realised i didn't appreciate you enough and i'll know to act differently in the future. To catch myself if i'm being silly and taking someone for granted.  Someone beautiful relationship in the future will benefit from the pain of today. Will that be you and I? Will that be another? Only time will tell.

It's also made me realise a few things. That study pushes your buttons. The stress of life accumulates.  You can run after the stars and one thing after another but its those that are closest to you that will be there in times of need.  You brand new beamer isn't going to comfort you when your world feels like its ending.  I think this has given me the reality check i needed on career. I'm not looking for the next best thing. I'm happy here in melbourne, working where i am and doing great things. I don't need to chase some elusive future when what i have here is wonderful.

At the end of it all, i think your a great guy and i'm sorry for not trying harder. But then sometimes you just need to accept that it takes two to build a future and if your willing to walk away, perhaps it wasn't all that i thought it was. Perhaps i'm not what your looking for. Perhaps your not the one that i will be sharing my life with.

Either way, Thankyou for the memories and the life lessons that i will treasure in my heart for always. 

Appreciating the man that you are

You call me up every night, confide in me, call me beautiful, introduce me to all your friends and family. I see how proud you are to have me by your side. You let me flourish and support me in all that i do. I fall asleep in your arms and feel ever so safe and secure in your hugs.

I have some hang ups but your all i could have hoped for and more. I appreciate you baby. I think your wonderful.

Where to now

At times we are going ever so well. At other times i question if the compromises are worth it all? Your not everything i want in a man but you come pretty damn close.

You call me gorgeous and you call me every night and include me in all aspects of your life. I have open invitations that i sometimes don't take.

Sometimes i wish for flowers and a door opened here and there. For you to be that man that drives us everywhere. But these are little material things that i miss.  Do they really matter?

Its just every time i start making compromises for you and i see you living your life as normal. I kind of think maybe i shouldn't of made that compromise. If it matters this much with the little things, maybe i should take care not to let the big things in my life be compromised. 

I wish i could tell you

But i'm scared to call you. I wait for you to realised i'm not doing so well.

That i'm struggling through life in everywhere. I feel ugly these days after your dad called me unattractive. I'm worried about my mum's surgery and dad being a violent alcoholic. I worry about getting through bschool and becoming something. On having too much money or not enough. Who knows?

The thing is i'm struggling but i don't feel like i can tell you or lean on you. I want to be with you because i feel like your the last man that i could possibly settle down with and i want to settle down so bad as i am growing old.

Sometimes amoungst the thrills and sucess life can be pretty misarable. I've been trying to talk myself into being with you, but in reality i just don't know about you.

I want you to be somebody else. Fitter, smarter, more of a gentleman and a knight in shining armour.

Still, I'm too scared to say goodbye.

Holding back

The things is life is fine. Really. Its just that sometimes i feel so sad.

I feel the pressure to have a man and to get married and so i have settled for you. You treat me well and want the long haul. A little rough around the edges. You know, the guy that will never buy you flowers and Tiffany's but he'll be supportive and nice. All the core values you want in a man, just not that exciting but you learn to appreciate from years of being hurt.

Am i depressed right now? Is this it?

I want him to be more but perhaps he is all that is left. He is a good man. Just not one that meets my expectations.

At some stage in life you choose between your dreams and reality. And in relationships i have chosen reality.

I had a man many years ago that offered me the world. I walked away and never treated him quite right.

Life - this is the future. Deal with it!

Feeling absolutely Fab

One of those days. Holidays just finished. Music Blasting. Gym sessions and intellectual stimulation. Good friends and wonderful family. Wine and food just flowing.

Life is beautiful.

So insecure

I wish i could let you love me the way you could. I wish i could let you in.

Another new year

A few days in the mountains is sometimes the best medicine. Nothing i love better than the fresh altitude air and nothing else being more important than your very next step. Luscious landscapes, physical challenges, the animals and the natural wonder of the earth. I return home refreshed and revived.

I know we had some problems before. I know we were not together for the holidays. I know that perhaps we will not always be together for the holidays.

It was nice hearing from you. It was also nice being a part and being me.

Healthy or a bittersweet realisation?

Happy new Year

Temptations

It's been a while but i feel like fooling around. These days when i am with him it's great but when i'm not there are so many insecurities that come to play and its tempting to seek in the comfort of many a man that gives me attention and finds me attractive.

 I miss the excitement of being in love. But then this is stable. He is responsible, he keeps his word. But its not that exciting toe curling moments. We havent even said those three magic words yet.

Today i gave you an xmas present. You gave me zilch. Your going away in three days time. This was the last bit of time you had to spare for me.

We had fun but i felt empty the moment you left. Sad that i wasn't so important to you.

I've got to stop putting you first when you dont reciprocate.

Its nice to have a man in my life but sometimes i feel like i'm settling because i'm getting old and unlikely to meet another. That my time is running out and i should cut my losses and settle for mr here now and he seems alright.

I've given up on finding my mr big. There won't be flowers or gallant gentlemanliness or chivalry. He will treat me as an equal and be honest, a tad awkward and not so polished.

I'm not perfect either.

Sometimes in life settling for almost good enough isn't such a bad thing.

 

I think we are back

Is this what growing u is all about? realising that life will never work out perfectly but moments are worth savouring and appreciating.

It's been six months for you and i. I still love holding your hand and looking deep into your eyes. And while i sometimes take lying in your arms for granted, of the constant stream of hugs and kisses, i always love the feel and touch of you.

Your warm hands and that squeeze of the hand. Your smile. The way you brush my hair away before kissing me.

Things are well.

I'm glad its you and me. 

Out of that honeymoon phase

It's that moment when you realize your partner is not perfect and that little things about them annoy you, just as you know, there are aspects of yourself that just won't work.

Its about honesty and dishonesty. Of uncertainty. Of wondering if you should settle because there might be no other man because age is creeping up on all of us.

He's nice. Caught between me and a father that won't let go.

Then there's me. Caught between....

I'm not sure..

Maybe i'm too caught up in trying to please others

I tried so hard. But why did i bother?

This is a lesson learnt in not trying to please people that haven't proven their worth to you yet.

Why did i even wish for your approval?
Why did i want to live my life including you in all that i do?

Why can't you just be nice?
Do you not see the tears?
How you make us hurt?
Do you not care?

He called me ugly

A bubble bursts.

So things were working well with us.

And then i met your dad. He thinks i'm ugly. The worst thing to say to a girl really.

And i'm tempted to drop you before its too late. I'm upset. There are tears in my eyes. In some ways you are so sweet. It's your dad i hate. It's the mum that is on a pedestal. Lessons learnt in not always being polite and trying to please others.

In an ideal world he would accept me and embrace me into their family and consider me a daughter. And we would be family. Thank you good bye to that idea.

I'm tempted to leave. To walk out on what we have. Are we really meant to be?

The world that awaits me is one of promise and adventure. Sure i love the warmth of your embrace and waking up early in your arms. But then i want a family. I want to be accepted. I want to feel beautiful.

Its a hit to the ego that i wasn't expecting.

The only thing i've cried about in the time we have been together is something your dad said.

Just another perfect weekend

Finishing class, mingling with the business elite at b-school, hearing grains of wisdom from those that have made it and travelled a similar road many years ago. Wandering into town to have a drink with your man and his colleagues, meeting up with your best friend and partying the night away. Weekend brunch's, meeting more of his friends, hanging out with mine, midnight snacks at 3am, long and sensual sleep in's with a man i'm crazy about followed by brunch overlooking a lake at the hippest cafe, a little bit of study and seeing my parents.

Really, could life be any better?

These are the moments to savour.

Choosing your own success

So the other day i got my marks for the first semester and for the first time in my life i had to face reality. I had always chased academic success as the price of every other aspect of my life.

These days i feel i have made it, i have a job to return to as a fall back that pays more than 200K a year. That's my backup plan.

I have a wonderful boyfriend that i love spending time with.  I have the most amazing relationship with my parents. I have wonderful friends who care deeply around me.

So in all this, if i study a little less and get a Credit instead of a Distinction and B-school, does it really matter at all?

Its about balance. You can be whatever you want to be. But sometimes you choose not to be. 

These are the moments to savour

Knowing that i'm your world. Knowing that you will call. Talking for hours, laughing and joking. Everything about us is just so highly functional. That gentle gaze, the passion, the depth in our eyes as they meet, the way your skin touches mine, straight to my heart.

Baby you are my world. These are the moments to savour and i can see forever in your eyes.

The other day i was so stressed and as you held me in your eyes i felt myself relax and forget about the world. I felt myself melting into you. Giving in. Enjoying the moment.

I'm in love with you.

An image of us

The other night i lay in your arms on my couch and i could see us through the reflection in the window. We looked so mature, like the perfect adult couple that you would expect to see in some TV advert or something like that.

You were kissing me and i was holding onto you. Feeling secure and so much in love. Your wonderful.

Its that moment in life when everything is just wonderful. It just is..

The perfect life

Some days you wake up and all is working out.

A doting byfriend. He loves me to bits, treats me like a precious stone, values me for all that i am and does not cease to surprise me.

This is the man that holds me all night in his arms, sweeps away my hair as he kisses my lips and squeezes me tight when we hug. He calls me beautiful and love me with all that he is.

Life is wonderful. I've met an amazing man.

Everything else is going well as well. Study, future, all looking so promising and bright.

I love my life. I could not ask for anything more than this...

Its been a while

Life is changing and its going well. I know i haven't written in a while but there has been a good reason for that.

This blog was representative of wondering about the world, who i am, what i want. This last year has been a big one in terms of self discovery, understanding myself and going after what i want.

Doing exactly what i want with my career, with a wonderful man by my side and friends and family all around me, things couldn't be any better. 

Just two uber chic melburnites

So there we were, hand in hand, gazing into each others eyes. The art gallery as a backdrop as we swirl and float and glaze through the exhibition. Our hands entwined, our hearts for each other. And we continue down the beautiful back lit tree lined street, through the river, through to the hippest restaurant in town.

I lay in your arms and discuss the world, our feelings, what makes us tick, what makes us hurt. Trust is a beautiful thing. To be able to recognise another's heart and be able to put your head on is shoulders and know that the little girl inside your heart is safe.

I'm really falling for him.

To what really matters in life

So there is a man in my life right now. One that i stay in touch with daily, one that express' his emotions so easily. One that i can look deep into the eyes of to make him lose his track of thought.  I mesmerize him.

Just as he does me. He is wonderful and lovely. Someone whose hands you hold and a potential forever.

A good heart, clever to boot and the sparks between us. I was thinking of my grandparents today and the love and devotion they held for each other. With this man i think i could replicate that.

In retrospect

He was just as nervous as i was. And what a wonderful first date that made, the anticipation of what could be.  Sometimes that little bit of nervousness is gold, its where that butterflies in your stomach come from. It'd what will make you smile for years as you think back to that first date.

And just as i often feel, it was one of those perfect nights. I got off the tram a few stops earlier, wandering past the botanical gardens and tree lined winter streets and the blue fountain by the napolean exhibition, listning to those tunes in my ear, watching the world wonder past and enjoying the freshness in that cool winter air.

I meet him by the clocks and see him already there. He looks a tad nervous too, waiting their in his suit. Waiting for me. Quick peck on the cheek and we are off, our eyes catch each other occasionally. Its like we are old friends, walking without direction.

He's picked out a few of the hippest new bars and we settle into one of melbourne underground trandy tapas bars. Oysters, wine and the finest of tapas with good conversation. He inches ever so close, our eyes catch occasionally, our bodies touch every now and then. I;m laughing, he's laughing, the conversation is flowing, we both know that its working. And we get deep in conversation, deep into our feelings, our past, our hopes and fears with the kind of honesty that usually comes with time.

He sneaks in a sweet kiss as we leave and we settle in by the couch with some mulled wine, holding hands and looking deep into each others eyes. It's been one of the best dates in a long time. There are no games. It's just gentle innocent looks.

And as i hop into that cab and say goodbye, we steal yet another kiss and hug. You feel so comfortable, so close. Its like we have known each other for so long.

"See you saturday gorgeous", you whisper as i disapear into the night sky.

I've been smiling for a while now.

I'm a little scared

Once again, facebook offers to much information, i tabke subtle hints, expect him to do too much. Yet my gut wonders if there is someone else.

I know the power of positive thinking. But really if i feel it, not much i can do. I am insecure. I do wish he would send me something.

I feel like something switched after friday night. That perhaps he met someone new. Becuase he changed. Or was it me and my reaction.

I cry.

Its just me. This is me. I just need to work it out. I want him to love me. I need to accept myself first.

To the new man in my life

Excitement brims, life is wonderful, i just got off a flight and made my way home, all my issues are dispaearing, lovely people are surrounding mem, my judgement is perfect and i communicate so well.

Life is just going ncredibly well. It just is.

I sat there on that plane today and realised how happy i really was. How much i was learning. How incredible it was to be surrounded by such brillient people to learn the things i do. Life lessons to make the world a better place.

I am incredibly lucky to have the life that i have.

Sometimes i get scared

sometimes i feel like the most beautiful girl in the room and then other times i am so insecure. I have a date with a man i really like and here i am doubting myself. Is he actually interested? is he loosing interest?

He prolly is just nervous to see me, wondering how i feel. I like him. He likes me.

Lets work it out together. Excited about tomorrow. :)

So he seems like a nice guy

He likes me, i think i like him. Its one of those that start with friendship and i can see him being a man that grows on me. Someone that seems to have goodness in their heart and be effected by the injustice around them.

We are different in many ways, but its so easy to talk to him, to open up. I like that the games are just not there. There are no freakouts. Its him. Its me. We work it out and it all seems straight forward.

Part of me isn't totally there yet. I hope i look back and fall in love with him and get to that stage where there is not other man that i think about. Like i have many times before with many a man i have not felt it for.

So here's to the future and what it will bring.

On meeting a new man

Gentle, deep, genuine, straight forward, self assured

The other night

There i was out with a friend, creating some mayhem, drinking and enjoying the night. Youthful yet confident from years gone by. Stylish without that tackiness from having been there, done that and having made it.

And i wasn't even looking and suddenly he wants to buy me a drink. And my friend too. And we kiss and we hang out and we have a great conversation. And he wants to go home with me so with a final kiss i give him my number, the hint of needing to be wined and dined alongside some emotional bonding and hopped in a night saying goodbye.

Will he call? Will he not? Who knows but i love the confidence and wisdom that comes from growing old. On learning to accept and respect yourself and seeing people for who they really are. On not letting myself be taken advantage of. Of not waiting for a phone call.

I want to say hello

So there is a man i am into and he is online right now. I want to see where we can go. I think he is a good man. Perhaps a little bit shy but a nice guy all the same.

Do i make yet another move or just walk away..

working on myself

This has been a new month in my life. Fainting and ending up in emergency really made me have a deep look at my life. About growth and improvement.
My career has taken off at a million miles an hour. This is the year that my social life will catch up and my personal relationships will bolster into dreams of happiness on their own.

The month in the suburbs has been nice. Enjoyment. Being with the cat has brought companionship. I've loved the space.

Tomorrow i return to my normal life. Still quite happy. With the promise of working on myself some more.

So i signed up for an NLP course and then saw a naturopath and went back to my kinesieogist. I am seeing improvements all the time.

Life is becoming ever so much more fullfilling.

Perhaps he was just a rebound

Exactly what i needed to get over a man that played with my heart. You've played your role time and time again in making me realise i was with the wrong man.

And we are friends, we joke around, you smile, i smile, we live our lives on the surface. Your cute, you think i"m cute, we have something but nothing with too much depth. Just perfect for rebounding off.

So last week i was convinced he was it. This week i wonder about weather the lack of emotional depth is what i want in life. If he was just the medicine i needed. That rather than stuffing him around yet again, i should walk away while he is not quite there.

He was wonderful for a moment. Perhaps the future is about friendship...

Tears

I poured my heart out to you, wore it on a sleeve. You looked me in the eye and told me you were not sure. I couldn't tell if you were into me or not.

I walked away not knowing the answers, slightly hurt but glad i put myself out there regardless of the outcome. I don't feel anxious these days. Just a tad of sadness but also happiness for allowing myself to be me.

We have not been in touch all week. You send me a message and then you disapear. A little bit of hope and then nothing. I had buried you away but you stir things up. But then disapear.

Whats the point? Really?

To a month of mayhem

Because sometimes life is too straight.

So its about getting too drunk and one night stands, its about stolen kisses in a lift, its about crazy endeavours, turning our worlds upside down and meeting new ppl all round.

I will look back in two weeks time with a smile.

Sometimes the pressure of being perfect is too much. Its nice to be allowed to stuff up. Who really cares?

a little bit of indifference

I see you online. Yet i've poured my heart out and told you how i feel. You didn't necessarily recipricate.

I check up on you but you do not say hello. You are there online. You just are.

Sometimes all one can do is walk away after trying so hard. You know how i feel. I suspect the feelings are not reciprocated.

I have tears in my eyes as i think of this. But sometimes when you've given it all, you just need to walk away and say goodbye.

Maybe i mucked it up

Perhaps i pushed and pulled and got a tad drunk and over thought things when in reality he wasn't really into me all along.

Perhaps i should never of said hello. Perhaps i just missed the boat on this man.

So it was lovely while it lasted and i fell for you. But i see now your not into me. Its sad. But its another thankyou, goodtime.

I'll hold you in my heart for what we could have been. I suspect the credits will roll long before the ending. 

Sometimes i still miss you

I thought i was over you but i still think of you. I remember the fun times we had together. I remember your touch, your kiss, the way i could fall asleep in your arms. Waking up in your arms and reaching for a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of your hand.

Remember us at the movies. When you used to hold me tight. Remember walking along the ocean hand in hand. Remember playing with your dog. Remember the way you opened doors and kissed me on the forehead.

Why did you have to cheat on me? Why did you have to screw things up and be so unreliable? We had something great. If only that had of been enough for you.

Would have saved us both some regrets.

Who to love

Back in this circle again. Fondness for a man i used to love. Wonder about a man that could be. Reflecting on the man that just was.

Who is locked away in the closets of my past. Who will continue on in life and who will be in that blissful future.

Life brings us many surprises. Life is beautiful.

If you want something badly, let it go

Part of me thinks of him and wishes he would call. But another part of me is a little more partial. I recall a time not feeling anything for him. Thinking he had no depth, at least not that i had seen. Wondering if he had layers.

But then i like the stability and genuineness he represents. His straight forward ways.

It would be amazing to fall crazy in love. But then its about realising that life has many options and that making life decisions are big.

Sometimes if you really want to know, you need to put it out there and then let it go and see if it comes back to you.

The scary part is that sometimes it just takes too long to come back and by then you have moved on and no longer want it.  Only time will tell.

It comes and goes in waves

At a funny stage in life. Plenty of choice, some real moments and little bits of sadness. The anxiety is completely gone, just a acceptance and respect for myself and seeing clearly about others that fit.

The hard part is facing facts

I put myself out there and it was taking a risk. That i liked him, that i was sorry and that i was there if he wanted me.

He seemed not quite sure. But my ego is not so bruised. Its a relief to be honest and to be able to speak my mind and to know where i stand. No more feeling anxious wondering and wasting time playing games.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to direct your heart in the right direction. We had a lovely conversation. He was genuine and he wasn't running away. He wasn't jumping all over me either.

And there are consequences to the actions in my past. 

Its about accepting yourself and wanting the best for what works. Its about having the courage to face rejection and let go a little if thats whats needed.