Ticking all the right boxes - that happy feeling

So i went on a date last night and it went like a breeze. We had so much in common, so much to talk about, exactly on the same wavelength. Its not often you get in that cab to go home and you have this big bright smile on your face as a giveaway and you keep smiling.

And its perfect in a this could so work perfect way. Its not the exciting but crazily on the edge drama and excitement that is limited to moment on tropical islands. Its the perfect where you have that Jigsaw and the pieces start fitting.

Life is beautiful - just checking into let the world know.

An uncomfortable best friend

So i have this friend, we hang out all the time and not a day goes by that i don't speak to her. In so many ways we get along, the ultimate best friend every girl needs.

But then there's this part of her that flirts with every guy she meets and then she wonders why she ends up in all these situations. She even came onto my ex. We get along in so many ways except for this one area - men.

And its one of those feelings that come deep from my gut saying "danger, danger, go back wrong way" that comes everytime i'm with her and my ex or any other man.
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She's embedded into my friendship circle so i can't go back. And more so i enjoy her company in so many ways but one. But that one is really about integrity and values, its to do with something so crucial about the way we are and who we are.

Can i turn a blind eye on this one?

Too much challenge or is it worth it?

Its one of those fight or flight moments where i have this overwhelming craving for the former but usually end up in the latter.

Sometime i think i challenge myself too much. I read those silly quotes on courage and read inspirational biographies about reaching beyond the stars and commit to things where i have to step out of my comfort zones.  Then moments before i always freak out, wondering if it will all fail in a miserable heap.  I felt like this moments before i jumped out of a plane, at 2AM while hiking up the himalayas at 4000 feet when i could barely breath, that time i agreed to build an ammonia plant for a nickel mine because i wasn't feeling sufficiently challenged with what i was doing and that other time when i agreed to take the lead for a 20 million dollar pitch.  I could go on forever.

The thing is everything has always worked out. And even when they hadn't i learnt a massive lesson and was given nothing but kudos as what i did achieve was still beyond sitting around doing nothing.

So deep down i know i won't fail. I know that as soon as i start speaking in front of those 70 people at the conference that i'll be in my element and the words will just flow out. I know that i've had sufficient experience to be the expert i claim to be. That my self doubt and imposter syndrome is just that and nothing real.  I know i've prepared and i know it just a little bit more to go.

I know deep down that once i've done it i will feel exhilirated, that i've achieved another milestone, that its another notch on my belt.   Even more importantly i will say to myself to do this again another time - not only to speak at another conference but to always keep stepping out of that comfort zone.

Thats why i signed up i guess.

It will work out.

You'll find out next week. Wish me luck.

Tonight i miss my first love

Its a wierd feeling tonight. Somewhat different to what i have been feeling for the last few years.

I met the first love of my life at university. we bonded over a mechanical chicken who could do the Micheal Jackson, over a Ball where i was the princess in the red dress, over crazy conversations and eyes that sparked with life as they met.

We were together for five years and we learnt to love, we learnt to hurt and we tried ever so hard to make it work. I do not think either one of us had lived enough at that time, or learnt the life lessons that we needed to learn. It was a hard breakup and we disappeared for many many years.

I traveled the world, made my career work, met many a man and had an infinite adventure. You found your own way in the world,  you found many women to love and made friends worth a lifetime.

I do not know what you are upto right now.

I do know that i miss you, i want to be with you, i think we went our separate ways and that now its time for us to come together.

We had passion, we had love, we had something.

I've never felt that with anyone, you still make my heart race, i want you back.

I'll try once more, your my missions and i want you to be a part of my life .......forever......

I love you......

To make it to B-school or not

Its that contemplative time in life again. I've sorted out my life, i'm happy-ish with friends, ecstatic with my family, happy with work and where i live. I love my life and its all going upwards and forwards.

So there's always that feeling at the back of your mind. What next? What are my passions lying dormant waiting to emerge?

Its coming down to B-schools. I feel the timing is right. I feel its what i truly want. I wanted to stay here at one stage to meet a man. But the thing is you gotta keep living your life. Staying still doesn't mean you will meet him. He could be anywhere in the world.

So i'll start on the study and the labourous hours of B-school applications. I know i can make it. I know i will get in. Heck - i even know i'll figure out a way to make it happen.

So right now i'm thinking of buying an apartment where i live. Not my own that i rent but another to rent out myself. The checkout for two years letting the renters take care of my world.  I could take a loan, i;ve heard that Harvard students are not much of a credit risk.

And what do i want to get out of it all? I want to be with the best. I want to push myself. I want to feel alive. I want to survive on a couple of hours of sleep and love every moment.

And this man that i am supposed to meet. Here or there or anywhere. He will be here or there. We will meet. I just need to be true to myself and that is head down and following my passions.

So little by little i'll pull the pieces of the puzzle together and make it happen.

The Ultimate Dream

Looking on ten years from now this is what the ideal life looks like:

* A doting husband who i have and still am in love with
* Sharing a healthy lifestyle and fitness routine with that doting      husband
* A bundle of joy to share our lives with
* A fully fledged charity that is making a difference
* A ivy league MBA
* A collection of properties
* A corner office overlooking the city skyline
* A bedroom overlooking serene ocean views
* Retired parents that are healthy and happy

On Forming Alliances

Its been another one of those days that ends in cake and a glass of wine while sneaking in a tad bit of a fitness routine in stolen moments. Its interesting, i'm making the world spin and have the blood rushing through my veins.

I find myself ringing up CEO's, establishing alliances, discussing business models and tactic to take the market place by storm.  With my headset on, confidence bringing i make things happen. I'm learning again and thriving and i love it. Its full-filling, its exciting and makes it all worthwhile.

I think every career path chosen needs to have an element of learning, of developing new skills for it to be that full filling and its those moments that make me feel like i made the right decision. By title i feel like its a step backards, at other times i am pushing so hard it scares me because the fall is from a pretty high place. At the end of the day though i have come far, it hasn't all been a fluke and i know what i am doing.

When you reach beyond the stars , even if you miss, you will land within the stars!

Waiting for the drought to end..

Its been a little while without much of a dating life. The last guy was from the plane, on my way to NZ. The blood doctor who i jumped into bed with a little too quick who never exactly called. Not that i blame him, i was there for but a few days and i barely knew him.

So i've signed up to rsvp again. Collecting men and kiss's, hoping that in this collection is a diamond in the rough and yet another collection of dates. 

Lately though i've been getting pickier or is it becoming more monotone.  There are a few there on email with the promise of tomorrow's. Perhaps soon they will turn to dates and life becomes fullfilling once more.

Hot desi chicks and their three figure salaries

Somewhere along the way, a small minority became and elite minority. The sons and daughters of the immigrants who ventured to a new land for prosperity and happiness have made it in the western world.

Sneaking a peak into the lives there is a successful group of young women, emerging from the sidelines. The success and those three figure salaries are almost accidental out of expectation, if not for the years of hard work and slog that lay in the past.

So with confidence brimming, earning enough to live that luxurious life and buy all the jimmy choo's one could dream of, these girls are the first to make it to the boardroom, to stand on their own two feet and smash that glass ceiling. They love their families, see no barriers and their sheer brillience just shines through.

But what of the men? Why are they all so single? Why is it always a date or two, never a third or a month or a lifetime?

Have we forgoten how to love?

Nervous Energy

And sometimes you step out of your comfort zone in order to really push yourself. You look far into the distance and commit to a challenge which scares you. You commit such that you have no other choice than to tap into that well of courage you have deep within yourself.

When failure is not an option, you know you can do it.

So i'm a great presenter, I have always been. From the strategy sessions in the corporate boardrooms of billion dollar empires to pitching that multi million dollar deal to a key client, i have been there and done that. I have made it and always succeeded.

I know what i am talking about. I've got the experience, the depth, the knowledge, the public speaking capacity to get there!

I love my life. I love the opportunity. I love that i can make it happen. That i make the steps to be who i want to be.

Sometimes i pretend we are together

My dearest David,

We spent but three nights together but sometimes i dream of a life for you and I. In my dreams, we live a whole other life.

We've been together for three years, sometimes on and off but we keep coming back to each others arms because we are meant to be and while its hard, we work it out and make it work. You live in Sydney, I in Melbourne, but we both travel enough such that we spend more than half the week together. Sometimes i come home and you surprise me by turning up and my place and vice versa.

You have dreams, aspirations and i admire you. Your successful and you love me. We have wildly intellectual conversations while sipping red wine.

In my dreams we have a whole life together. Sometimes i even tell people about you. All your details, what you used to do, what you do now, how we make it work, how your currently sitting at home waiting for me to come home.

Isn't it funny that your alive in my dreams, that your living a second life you do not even know of.

Sometimes i wish i could exist in your world.

Am i walking backwards?

This backwards steps i seem to be taking lately , what is it all about?

Am i about to burn out?

Is this too much?

Is this what i enjoy? Am i just pretending?

Have my pretensions become so real that even i am fooled?

What do i want to be?

Where do i want to be?

With whom do i want to be with?

Another you an I

So we end up here, in my place, but nothing happens

But i know your a great guy, only the best at heart, so much to happen , life goes well.

I hope one day we can work out, that perhaps we are meant to be together.

Who knows? But i do know, i like you, and i think you like me

Do we really need more than that?

I wish we could run away together

We get along so well you and I. We have conversations that transend time, that open our minds, that gives me that intellectual high.

And those flirty moment between us, the passion in there, the chemistry too.

Perhaps not trust. You hurt me once and lately, your hitting on my friend.

And i react, i find others, i run away too.

Neither of us is perfect, yet we are perfect for each other. I think that however we will never be, for neither of us will take that step to open out hearts.

So from the sidelines we will ache at the fact that we get along so well...

With the wind beneath my feet racing through life

Its been one of those weeks where its up, its down, its stressful, its exciting , it rewarding and most of all exhilarating. Feeling alive once more due to the abundance of odd quirky moments where you can but laugh.

So was it meeting that cute doctor on the plane who just happened to know the best places to go for a quiet drink over some live music in Christchurch or was it getting stuck in customs and letting half the world help me out. Perhaps it was that moment where we distracted the cab driver by giving him ice cream or the moment where we realised wine bottles could not be taken on international flight so started giving it away to random friendlies.

It was one of those weeks, speeding through airports, dining with CEO's, playing pool in illicit places, drinking cocktails and five star hotels.

Getting home life is no different, musicals, personal trainers, body pump classes, a walk along the beach with a good friend and jogging a few km's along a beautiful lake.

Its what i call a wonderful week & weekend.

One of those weeks....

Speeding through life on the back of your motorbike

Once a long time ago, i was speeding through the wonders of Goa on the back of your motor bike, with the wind in my hair. I clutched onto you as we sped by the little towns, through paddy fields and beautiful mountains, beaches and curious minds.

I felt so special, i felt so alive. I saw the wonder in the others eyes. Was it because of us and what we shared, was it that you were so powerful or was it something in myself, that glint in our eyes?

What i do know is that i felt alive. It was one of those moments where you know the memory will linger with you forever. I loved the feel of your bare skin, i loved the wind through my hair, i loved the world that i was apart of.

I knew i did not belong, i knew that the moment was fleeting, but it was that moment where i got to star in my very own fairytale.

I still think that all the heartache that followed was worth it. Its moments like that where you feel so alive, where you appreciate the finer things, that you grow, that you smile, that you know you have lived.

Success breeds more success

There is a saying, "you got to have money to make money"

Similarly i feel success works the same way. You suddenly make it and a rush of support and opportunities flow your way to push you even further trajecting you even further than the pack.

Growing up the encouragement, the expectations and the investment in my education got me to where i did. Graduating from the No. 1 university in Australia with a coupe of honours degrees with a number of global liasons and work experience's in my backup, i walked straight into the world of multinational entreprises and succession management.

Having already been identified as having too much talent to be a evryday naysayer, i was thrust upon more training courses, more experiences to challenge and grow, more money to pursue my dreams. Life with all its self made challenges carefully designed to boost that ego and grow as a person, perfectly cushioned on a bed of clouds saw me on a high speed train through the corporate ladder while others just grunted along.

Never a complain, the opportunities just appeared at my door.

Sometimes you just need a boost to succeed. Someone that cares, someone that believes in you, someone that challenges you, yet provides a soft landing for those inevitable failures that only lead to even greater destinies. I am lucky to have had all this, for having made my mark at such a young age such that the world could spiral and i could spiral with it.

Its time to give something back. Encourage, contribuite, do my thing for those that may not have had the same opportunities at their door.

Someone to look upto, admire and idolise

Almost a decade ago i met a girl, and although she does not know it, she altered my life. She was funky, she was stylish, she was confident, she was beautiful and all the boys and girls loved her. She was a fellow engineer, a few years ahead of me and her career choices and attitude made such a difference in attitude to my life.

I idolise her to this day. Following in her footsteps in my own way through work experiences, traversing the world and finding inspiration in her spirit as she grows with age.

She has a man, a life, a career and all that i could want. Its rare to find a women in this world who has trodden on a similar path to your own that you can aspire to be.

While she does not know it, i admire and look upto her from a far.

Another somebody falls away

I can feel you slipping away. Perhaps it was something i said, perhaps it was something i did not say. I can seem mean and tough at times but i'm all soft on the inside, it just takes a while to get to that.

Or am i blaming myself out of insecurity?

I've been waiting for a mail from you. I've missed you. I've been anxious. Now i'm saying goodbye.

I didn't really know you so well but you were hopping into my world.

Pity that was it. On saturday i will delete you forever.

Goodbye to you.

Another dear david

I sent you a note the other week with an outright lie. I told you i was maried.

We are not even talking so why would i tell you that. You wished me well. Perhaps one day we would be friends.

Remember those few nights we spent together. We had fun. I had fun, i really think you did too. I hated how you disapeared. I let myself down by letting you in repeatedly.

I have a new crush on a man. I'm just waiting for a response from him. He's a good guy tho -- he will respond.

David -- i still miss you at times. My little white lie means we will never be together. Not that you probably would have ever called back.

I don't think your all that you made yourself out to be. But i'm not looking for all that. I just thought we had a spark. I want to sit on the floor sipping red wine, eating takeout and watching the world go by.

Its too late now. Life has moved us on.

Feeling anxious

Sometimes i wonder if it is just me. Everytime i'm waiting for a guy, weather its an email, phonecall, some sort of smile or sign, i'm anxious and on the edge of my seat until i get a response.

Is it insecurity? Is it something else?

So i'm waiting for him to contact me. Say hello. Say something.

We moved to facebook and it allows you to spy on another life. Its also exposing yourself. Is he rejecting me or is he just busy?

I wait i wait i wait....

We've moved from email to facebook

So my arranged email dude suggested we become facebook friends. The anticipation of emails, it lingers on the background but your now exposed to this voyouristic view of someone else's life. We learn about each other in leaps and bounds, and in anticipation wonder if one of us will reject.

So he is a bit smaller and skinnier than i would like. Yet still nice and build and fit but you know how it is. But then - is that so important?

And our lives - ever so different. He reminds me of my little sister who has stayed in a city long enough to build those deep and meaningful friendships, where life becomes one party after another.

I'm grappling with the fact that he lives with his parents at 30 years of age, yet he owns a massive home in his name so is that excused.

Only time will tell if we will work, if he is still into me, if i am still into him...

Another night passes by

It was you and I for a moment in time. When we first got together i thought you had eyes just for me.

But i think my lust has once again misplaced my senses. This time a mess of a friendship circle where i trust neither you nor her. I keep it in not knowing what to do.

You flirted with both of us on saturday night. And then when i run off with another you wonder why things did not go your way. That moment where you held my hand and i held yours, we had a moment. Then we gave it away.

I don't trust you anymore. I don't even want to know you.

So all of this got me thinking. What is it that we should look for in a man? You know the life partner to spend the rest of your days with?

The brillient business, successful lawyer who takes charge, brims with confidence and arrogance, for these men, women are mere tokens. The world of glamour, luxury hotels and airport lounges - will they really be the ones to tend to you when your sick in bed or will they be the first to run to greener pastures. The world of extravagance plays on you, you become something else. Cocktail functions and "no spouse" parties do but breed a certain culture.

Then there are those men, down to earth, pleasant, not going to rock your world but will love you, will be there and will make your heart yearn with kindness. These are the men with backbones built of right and wrong, perhaps a little geeky, perhaps not confident or exciting.

While there won't be any running off to a tropical island at the spur of a phonecall or risking your life for that "moment" or intellectual conversations discussing the latest acquisition or takeover -- these are the men that may always be there.

So if through friends, if through work you get to have these brillient conversation where your intellectually stimulated, you get to run your own world and achieve great things, do you really need a man like that at home? Isn't it better to go for the latter and merely interact with the man who lives in stripclubs with a mistress on the side?

Is this giving up trust and hope or is this that my wild oats have been sowed...

A fine line between friendship and something more

All this emailing, it's getting a bit much. Why don't you just pick up the phone and call.

Slowly, slowly you are unknowingly making it into that friend area and once there, its unthinkable to ever go back.

We seem to get along, have the same sense of humour, you could be just another of my uni friends from the days gone by. Yes - the ones that will always be a friend and nothing more.

I like men with guts and confidence, with the drive to call me up and make things happen. Is the fact that you hold back now a clue to what't to come. The one vice i have is a man who asks for permission in bed, is this where this is heading or will we ever even get there?

So as always my mind is going at a million miles an hour.

I really think you should drop it all and just give me a call...

Dear David

I choose to write to you here and not to the real you. I guess you do not want to hear from me. I think.

So i just wanted to say hello, see how you are, have a chat. I wanted to let you know that once i thought you were my world but that i no longer do, but that i still hold you in high regard, in some sort of way in my confused state of mind.

I really liked you back then. I am careful with my words, i say like because it was more lust and some sort of innocence i had back then that had a tendency to be shaded which brought on those feelings.

At the back on my mind i know that you do not care. That i was just another girl, not even.

I've grown up. Got over you. You don't count. Why am i still thinking of you - I'm not quite sure.

Sometimes i wish i never met you - but i guess life is all about lessons, and lessons i did learn from knowing you.

I hope your life is going well. I no longer think your right for me. I still think of you with fondness, memories of another time.

I don't even want to be friends. I like writing to the wind.

That occasional emotional outburst. Its not for the man of my dreams for i think i have met him now , its just for pure reflection.

I'm a different person now. You'll never know that though...

An introduction as such

My mother has decided its time to find me a man.

And perhaps she see's through me and see's that, that is what i am looking for.

So i am emailing a man. We get along so well, we seem so similar.

Anticipation of his next mail. Contemplating what i will write back.

Smile smile smile.

I like him. I really really like him.

living in a bubble

I've decided to become a personal trainer. Not to change career, not to find a source of income where i "love what i do", but simply because i could. It seemed interesting, i wanted to learn and i just happened to have the money to make it happen.

Life is beautiful and i am becoming more appreciative of this each day.

In my personal training course i meet all sorts of people. Fork lift drivers, relief school teachers, security guards, sales assistants and so on. They want a change, they are in search of a career they would love.

I am but a mere observer, simply able to afford to take my fancies to what i want to learn. Imagine you have it all already, money is not an issue, work makes you excited and you love your life? Thats where i am right now.

Family, friends, work, life, play - Its all idillic, its so perfect, its everything i want. I feel like an audrey hepburn - thriving in a paris hilton world!

I thank my parents for giving me the courage to be different and that stable base to fall back on in the unfathomable instance that i may fail trying to do the impossible.

Everything is possible. Strive for the stars as even if you don't reach them, you are so far above the world that your dreams can still come true.

Its me, now and always. In my beautiful apartment, in my world where i am everything i want to be, the envy of the world. I may be the luckiest girl in this whole wide world.

:)

The barriers are so high that no one will ever get in

Life is so perfect, its untouchable. I am untouchable.

I cry because i have forgotten how to let others in. I live a solitary life full of people that do not really care for me. I love my family - I miss my family.

What does one know when one has made it and they are not fulfilled.

It hurts me that dad is lying alone in hospital, that we cannot be there 24/7.

Sometimes its the tough times that bring out who we truly are. i want to look after my parents, not because i have to but because i want to.

Can i let anyone in ever? Have i got so used to being on my own that its all i know now? H=Can i handle the getting together?

Do i want a lankan man that understands family values, that i will always look after them for i love them so much.

I forgive for all that has happened. I hold know grudges. They did the best they could and really, they have been more than successful. I am everything i could wish to be and its my parents that brought me here.

It an emotional time.

the world as it is

My dad lays in a hospital recovering down in kew while my mum sleeps in Jacana. I'm in my apartment down st kilda rd and my sister a mere ten minutes away in her own place.

How the world does evolve. The four of us, once together, now apart.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Feeling anxious once again

I got to start learning to enjoy these feelings. So there is a man again - this time i barely know him and i am dreaming of possibilities. This is where i go wrong, can't contain myself.

I should just be enjoying the ride and seeing where life takes me.

He feels right, it all feels right this time.

I can't wait to meet him.

But this is it. I just know it.

Third Culture Kids

I read an article today on third culture kids and it so resonated with me.

My parents moved countries at a young age and i had a number of changes through life. Changing cities as a kid to moving schools as my parents figured out the world.

And if it wasn't for that i wouldn't be who i am today - that girl who breezes through the world from airports to five star hotels to airport lounges with such ease. Another day another country all with a smile on her face. Everyday is an adventure and thats what i crave.

Some people say that the glimmer of business travel soon dies away into a beer belly, lonely hotel rooms and not enough sleep. Somehow after more than five years in the game i'm energetic as ever if not more, fitter than you 9-5 desk jockey with an expanse of time for the gym they never find the motivation to attend and happy and healthy.

Other parts resounded true with the article - being a mature kid and growing up late in the twenties. That fear or attachment or detachment and that feeling of not belonging anywhere and feeing like you could belong everywhere.

I crave to meet my match one day, to meet a man but perhaps not settle down in the ordinary way. I want to be a global wanderer with my man, and kids -- i dont know if they fit at all. I don't know if i want them to.

I think to what my parents have with me, the way i will look after them as they start getting older ad looking that little bit frail and needing help -- will i be all alone in the world if i do not pass on that little bit of myself. Is that the right reason if i have no others for wanting to bring a kid into the world.

There is no wonder about them, no maternal instinct that wants to nurture and watch them grow. I'm 28 and i don't look at happy families and wish it for me.

Every article like this gets me one step closer to knowing myself a bit more and understanding my world. May what i need in a man is someone just like me, a global nomad.

Listening to that inner voice

Somewhere along the way i realised that you were not all that you made out to be. Lust getting in the way of professionalism, my normally impeccable instinct shielded by sexual chemistry between us.

And we danced our dance and had our time. My brilliance, your brilliance, we made a team. You were a mentor as well as a crush.

And then one day the admiration started drawing blanks and i started questioning your integrity, weather i could really trust you.

You treated me well, you were an amazing mentor and a great boss, but the time has come for me to fly away.

People work for moments in time, and ours is over.

The allure of the unavailable

Dear David's and the Max's of the world...

I fall head over heels with you, yet it is not you that i fall so hard in love with. Those moments convincing myself that you were my soulmate were not all that real. The allure of your unavailabilty, or the fact that we would need to move oceans, climb mountains, transcend cultures to make it work. That was but the appeal and perhaps i was or still am not ready for a relationship and this is my way of clouding it.

I still miss you

To my dear David, i still think of you, i see your face in all aspects of life.

There is something linking you and I. I wish you would see that we belong together.

But right now i put my efforts elsewhere, move on with life, meet other men, have fun with my friends, have a smile on my face.

Deep down i think you and I would work. I miss you. I love you.

If only you did too.

Why don't you just call me?

So we caught up and i thought we had a lovely time?

We would be great together?

I would love to see you again?

But perhaps i was mistaken, perhaps you did not feel the spark.

Why don't you just call me?

Enjoying the moment

Whist i may at times look back, despite the way it may seems most of the times i am living the best times of my life right now. No longer the awkward & gawky girl, no longer with the money troubles or the compromise, no longer with the anticipation of what the future will hold, what others may think.

Its that confidence within yourself. Its when you know your surrounded by beautiful friends. Its when you love where you live, the car you drive, the career you hold, the clothes you wear and your bank balance.

This is where i want to be. Sure i get upset by this guy or that - but then i get just as excited dating another one.

Truth be told i don't crave for the past for this is the best time of my life.

To have a friend again

Remember the days of laughter and giggles at absolutely nothing. Remember the adventures spend achieving zilch but the mere memory still brings on cramps from laughing so hard.

So in the past month i met a girl that was just like me. Its like we had known each other forever, the girlfriend i had been missing all along.

Wacky wonderful moments...

I'm not going to call him

Its yet another night, another man, another potential life.

this time i'm following the rules. I won't call him.

The many yesterdays long gone

And today i was searching through my past for contacts from long ago. A business trip taking me to the other side of the world. A place of past significance.

And i could tell through my trip back through memory lane that times had changed. Emails long forgotten, pages and pages of notes, missing each other, describing one anothers life, the effort and the will. Emails of love long lost, of the passion and intensity of hurt, of caring and of spending the time to show that you do. Tears flow freely as i read, remembering a time when these walls which surround me didn't exist. When the walls surrounding my friends and lovers did not exist.

These days life is described in facebook status messsages, with an sms in 160 characters, with a glance at a photo in a newsfeed. These days i wait for the phone to ring because otherwise he's just not into me. These days we all have three hundread friends but know not any all that well.

There are many men

There are many men right now. Who is it to be, someone in the past, present or future. Anything can happen.

I'm comfortable, i don't need a man as such. Financially stable, my life together, things could not be more perfect.

So who is that elusive perfect man to spend the rest of my life with.

The cutie at work that makes me smile, the flashback from the past that knows me so well or the man of the moment who make up my day dreams or the man that is long gone that i still think about.

The cutie at work, Mr T, with the perfect amount of nerdiness and ambition and cute that i've already fallen for him.  I think he's cute, i think he's brilliant, i enjoy asking for his help and i think he definitely enjoys helping me.  I am all fondness for this man.

And then the flashback from the past. Imagine lazing back with your best friend, discussing the ways of the world, the architecture of happiness with your best friend. Imagine hours passing by, simply feeling like minutes....

And what of the man of the moment. The accidental wake up in the arms of a man who still treats you well and keeps you guessing.  The one who seems so compatible and meets that whole checklist you had in your mind. What do you do when your faced with a male version of yourself?

And then there is the man that seems long gone, a certain Dvid symons that i fell head over heels for who entered and left my life just as abrupt. I miss him too as i felt we had something.  I felt that together we would have been powerful together.......

So one day it will be one of these many or none of these men or some one entirely new or old....Life will unfold and only time will hold the essence of the truth....

A modern day fairy tale

Imagine a world where it was not sleeping beauty rescued by her knight in shining armor nor a snow white saved by her prince charming.

Imagine a world where women have their own, living in bachlerette pads in sleek apartments, high profile globetrotting careers, designer handbags and a line up of men. 

Imagine a world where your blackberry holds the keys to your life, where its one call after another, where the adrelene of the business world runs through your veins. 

Life is beautiful and yet so hard al at the same time.

On Falling for a man yet again

Expectation, anticipation, fear, excitement.

That smile on your face. 

Yes its hard, yes its amazing, yes all is at stake while the world is also at your fingertips.

That is the feeling of falling for a man. There is no going back, no going forward, just a matter of riding through and seeing where life takes you.

Life, Life, Life

One man, many crushes, and a little longing.

I wonder where David is, i wonder if he thinks of me? I wonder if he craves for me?

Another year over, a new one just beginning

To think a decade has passed. Exactly ten years ago, it was the end of an era. I was with my best firends, school had just finished and we were about to embark on our future, leaving childhood behind and entering that new phase.

Wide eyed, it was cheers to us. With a hint of the y2k bug, the first moments of savouring a little bit of alcohol, of laughs and tears, we entered another decade.

Ten years on, i am all alone. My best friends, we went our own ways. Still in the same city, i wonder if they even think of me these days. Life has changed, we have lived, we have not shared our moments, we have become everything we wanted to be and everything we did not.

As i sit here all alone on new years eve, i think this is not the life i want forever. In ten years from now i want a doting man, perhaps a family but most of all, to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of another.

Who knows what life will bring, i'll welcome the new year with a smile.

On joining one crazy multinational

Think 2am calls, working around the clock, traversing time-zones and making the world your playground. Surrounded by brilliance and urgency, crazy schedules and falling behind for the first time in a long time, i step aside for a moment to catch my breath.

Is this what i want? Is this the price to be paid for success? Well actually i think it is what i want. The rush, the adreline, the excitement, the challenge. Its all apart of my life once more. 

Finally where i want to be, where i belong...

Sometimes life takes you on a journey of all levels of being all that is good and successful that you loose sight of where you ultimately belong.

I feel like all my life, a silver spoon has dished out a cushy life, sheltering with its gleen the passion which lies within.

For the first time i feel like this is where i belong. 

lying next to a man

There are moments in life. When you awake and find yourself lying next to a man, and he is within reach and just the touch of him makes you warm inside.

When he decides to hold you in his arms you rejoice.

And thats all you need....ever.. his arms protectively encompassing the essence of you....

Sometimes passion and love sucks

With tears in my eyes i say this for i have let the pride inside of me win.

Life has always worked out. Career, family, friendships, success, its like i have a map for the trajectory of sucess and all i need to do is float along. Love however is another thing. 

Ok the real reason i am even writing this post is that my feelings are hurt, i am hurting and there is a man that has broken my heart.

Maybe i did all the wrong things, maybe i don't know how to pull a man, maybe i was too eager or put too much pressure on. But its still hurts. He never got to know me, never really cared. I miss him now and i missed him lots. I have hated that i have missed him but non the less if he were to contact me right now my heart would light up and i would have a smile on my face.

I dont know if i should walk away, to give up. I sometimes wonder, this could be a chance of a lifetime to be happy, to be with my perfect man, do i let it go for pride and some stupid rules on love. Or do i lay myself out open to get hurt more and more. 

What do i stand to loose? I have already lost my pride. 

The answer is that i'm not sure. I don't know him so well, he does not know me. In some ways he represents who i want to be but not necessarily who i want to be with as a lover.    But oh how i would love to have him as a lover.

That night we spent together, with his body close to mine, with his arms around me, with knowing i could reach out at any moment and he would me mine. That was priceless. But so fleeting for he is here one moment and gone another. And he does not look back, he does not crave me, he so easily walks away. 

Without bothering to understand, without caring that he hurt me. 

I don't know. I just don't know.

I fell for a David Symons and he let me down.

Mistaking admiration for love

Its one of those small epiphanies which makes for a life changing turn in life.

To all the Max's and David's in the world, i have figured out. These men that i fall so hard for within moments, perhaps i am simply mistaking admiration for love.

He is everything i want to become in life. Am i filling in a gap? Am i mistaking a mentor for a lover?  Is it all one way? Am i not as interesting to him? Am i not bringing much of my own to the table.

And he said -- you are not someone i think i want to spend fifteen hours a week with at least for the rest of my life. And as harsh and painful as that is, its what i need to walk away.

Happy happy happy and only a little sad

Somewhere along the way i learnt to cook, hold dinner parties and became one of those people that one does not want to invite to dinner as they cannot cook as well. The stylish home, the status, the lifestyle, how did i suddenly come to have it all?

Life is going well, mainly except for a few blips in the man radar. Life is happy, life is full-filling. Life is fun and games. 

friendships under the radar

Without even noticing, they have built up. I am part of a team, i am one of them. Mutual respect, determination and timing. 

I'll miss them. They may be worlds apart but years of working together, joking around daily, being a team. I will miss them much.

A stage in my life is ending, i must move on, they must move on. 

Life ........ one day it will make sense.

Things i will not say to you

Dear David

You make my heart race, you make my daydreams come alive, you bring a smile to my lips. The heartache of certain moments seem almost bearable for those savored moments in time.

In a lot of ways you make a whole lot of sense when i think about it. I have not known you for very long, there is lots to know and lots to build. 

From the deepths of my heart i realise what i crave for is not even sustainable. That on must get to know and get to know another before making any commitments. You have withstood these unecessary pressure's well.

Time, space, getting to know each other is the way forward. I know where your priorities are and i too think its best to take our time, see if the conversations evolve, if we are meant to be. 

This is a turning point in my life, this understanding of what goes wrong. In all aspects of life hardwork, patience and timing is key and in matters of the heart its all the more important to think it through. 

Hearts get trampled everyday. I will still wear mine on my sleeve and lay it out for you to touch. 

I still think of you with a smile and i will call you sometime. I know you will answer with a smile and we will take it slow and take out time. We will let time decide whats to be.

I'll still smile when i think of you.

Feeling alive

Like a butterfly flying free from her cacoon, i feel completely alive.

Something has happened, something is happening.

Life is just moments to savour, with a new job in towe, a new place to live and a realisation of the one that is the love of my life, things are only looking up.

Something has started, something is happening

I am excited. I am happy

A turning point on the books

Something is coming, i can feel it. A new stage in life. A new beginning. At present i am getting my house in order.

New apartment, new found confidence, a refreshing outlook, a beautiful life.

Just think, next week it will be just me and I, with my ocean views and floor to ceiling windows.

Its a new beginning in which to build a life where i am happy and refreshed. 

Something is happening in the background, i can just feel it.

When you have it all but the man

Career progresses in leaps and bounds but what about me?

I can accrue people, sit in a management role, be everything i ever wanted at such a young age. 

And then what is it that i want?

A man to snuggle upto at night

That is all

And David

I miss David

I want David

Pity he does no feel the same

Pity he does not call

From the ugly duckling to cinderella - transformations in 1.5 hr

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of time. Well 1.5 hrs to be exact.

So i may roll out of bed some morning completely hungover, hair a mess (and not in that sexy "just rolled out of bed" kitten way). I'll be trudging around being one of those nobody's who wouldn't even get a first glance let alone a second.

But then its so easy.  All it takes is some florally hair products, a trusty hair dryer and straightner, some magnolia body wash to go with some magnolia body butter, a little bit of MAC, a little bit of eye shaddown, perhaps a tint of a lip stain and some gloss. Add a sexy pair of boots and a designer handbag and what do you have?

Even i amaze myself each and every time. Going from a nobody to someone with the world literally eating out of ones hands. 

Transformations are amazing. Beauty is a matter of time. 

The glint in your eyes, that is priceless...

If only i could feel again

I feel as if the passion, the bright and sparkling eyes, the innocence of thinking the world is fair and opportunity abounds for those who dare to chase it, is slipping away. Is that only for the young and unaccomplished?

Having made it, and looking to the next step , the excitements gone. The wonder is no longer there, nor a goal or dream to pursue. Its like there is a mist surrounding life right now, and i can't seem to make my way out of. Just trodding along, doing good, not better, not worse.

Even love, i wish to be that starry eyed girl full of trust and warmth. I find it so hard to open up and love. 

Need to wake up. 

one last cry ... thought

Dear David,

 

I wish you could see how you could be my world. I wish you could see how we would be perfect together.

you the all powerful and indestructable. I the women that stands by your side. I have the world at my fingertips but i would stand by your shadow. I would be my own person, i would want you to open doors and place your hand protectively around my waist as you guide me through life.

Is that too much to ask? Is that not what you want?

And i call one last plea to the universe of wanting you Mr David Symons, that is before i give my life to the nice guy who treats me like a princess.

My heart lies with you but sometimes life comes knocking on ones door ...

Love is like walking on a plank in the ocean to an oasis

Its one of those shaky times, every little word, every little move, every little gesture, every little word unsaid has meaning. It has the power to make or break who you are.

In love nothing is easy. As is the rush of feeing when all is well, the intensity of all you have to loose is horrifying, paralysing. You crave for the lust, the passion, the effection and the adoration. Only time will tell of the outcome.

So he's on the other side of the world. One minute he can't get enough of me. The other too preoccupied in his own to care. Leaving me wondering, leaving me with tears.

Love is like walking across a plank in the ocean to an oasis. So much to gain, yet so much to loose.

My new Motto in life

To give it all i've got. Some will take it in full, some will take it in parts and some will throw it all away.

Time will tell when true love finds me. I should not expose my heart so much to hurt. I should protect it but also give out love to the world. 

I shall open my heart to honesty and tenderness. 

Climbing the ladder barely touching the rungs

Its another day in paradise where the men are a plenty, career opportunities abound, life starting to touch the sky and friends and family to support through anything life throws this way.

So the last week was when i really owned my first property, became a manager, became a national account manager and won my first very big pursuit.

This past few months have also been a turning point in my life, i learnt to cook and became healthy, i focused on me, great clothes, make up, hair, beauty and confidence. 

This is the year where life is taking off once again. 

Tonight i was stood up

Tears not quite emerging.

I wonder if he is thinking of me?

Your words of wisdom

I miss your company for amoungst the passion and excitement i also learn from years of experience.

Our last conversation, i took away something deep and meaningful. 

That

1. People want to trust someone else

2. People in high places just say things because they can, not because they know its correct

At a time when my career is starting out, i am climbing the ropes and succeeding these words of wisdom are just what i need to jump through hoops and to see the world for what it is.  To realise that the world is run by normal people like you and I and that the secret is to come to this realisation. 

That the world goes round not by some complex equations but because of those that dare to have faith in themselves, believe and take a risk. 

Your an inspirations, your just what i need. 

You have walked into my life by chance....

Goodbye Mr Nice

So i got prioritised one too many times. Maybe you were not so nice after all. For a moment there i thought i missed you. I thought you may have been the one.

You've walked away one too many times without bothering to know me. I never really felt it for you either, my mind with another man. Yet that other man, he was filling an emotional void i felt with you. He was just a way to boost my ego just in case you walked all over me.

Maybe i never saw you for who you really were. Come to think of it, your living off someone else's money, you talk of your grandmother's inheritance, the way you leech off me for comfort. Maybe you are not who you seem to be after all. 

I still shed my tears for you but this is for the last time. 

Goodbye - love, friendship and all

Dear Mr Man

David, how i crave to hear from you. I sit here now deciding between the one that makes my heart come alive and the guy that will stay by my side.

Together we could be indestructable. Together we could be a force of the world. Together we could save the world if we wanted, we could move mountains, we could almost touch the sky.

I wish you could see the picture in my head before i decide to turn away.

Unrequited feelings can only mean so much for so long.

Please give me a sign, a sign that you care, a sign that i am not just another girl.

That elusive him

And its another night alone, yet no longer feeling lonely. Life gets busy but sometimes it brings with it a smile. And then there are two men and then there are none but it does not matter because i have just bought my own little piece of the world, because my family loves me unconditionally, because my career is taking off in leaps and bounds, because my friends are beautiful, because i am beautiful.

I smile as i think of him. The one that came across so charming and nice, caught me off guard with just the perfect amount of nice and being a man. And although it never worked i still think fondly of him, of a boy i didn't try enough to hold onto. A boy i still harbour a little bit of hope for but in the midst of life have decided to leave a while.

And then there is the other him. That elusive man who steps in and out of my life, the one made for my daydreams. The one that makes my heart race. I miss him, i want him and yet i am too scared to call or make a move. He is perfect for me, essentially all i want in a man except that he is never with me, except that he does not want me in the same way.

So in between my perfect life i skip through moments of him, wondering, contemplating. It does not matter really. When the time comes, all will unfold. For now all i can do is smile fondly, wondering where life will take me.

Today i start a new life

Eyes bright eyes, motivation brimming, a tune in my step, a certain glint in my eyes, charismatic to the world.

I am the girl who is all of sporty, intelligent, attractive, fit, successful and overflowing with friendship and love.

Life is perfect and today is the start of a new chapter in my life.

Never underestimate a friendship

And when your world seems like its coming to an end, all is not lost. Those friends built up over years are not to be underestimated. Hours of conversation, laughter, life, dreams, hopes and fears. 

Discussion that one cannot have with another. 

Friendship is beautiful, across boarders, through history.

Back to square one

I was not honest. I did not get caught out. But karma rules above all and i am back to square one.

So the boy i did not appreciate figured it out for himself. And now i am with neither.  It was sliding downhill anyway.  Was the other night a desperate attempt at needing validation in another mans arms?

Tears forming in my eyes. He said goodbye. He's difficult to erase. 

Life seems noisy once more. All of a sudden or has it always been like this. Study sessions, multi million dollar deals, men that forget about me, success too stressfull, bills to pay, property to buy, a mortgage to pay. Put on that confident armour for work, a forced smile for life. 

Am i chasing pies in the sky? Is it time to settle with the one who knows me so well? Before my time runs out?

Temptation calls

and i go forth and conquer. Two men, one night and my heart flutters but the other way. I know in my heart the one i ache for. I know in my head the one thats good for me.

My heart will always rule my head, the passion, the excitement, the sheer joy of living. 

So with one boy its a home cooked dinner and a cuddle in front of the tele while with the other its cocktails in the hippest joint in town while discussing strategies for taking over the world. Pure ambition and strife creating an air of excitement, hands not able to keep off each other, attraction that knows no boundaries ...

Its too hard to say goodbye, its too hard not to let you back in. I smile when i think of you

The other just a comfort zone, where i think i should be, the security that i will always take for granted and a trust i do not deserve. 

i ache for the one that strives for the sky...

Memories of you

To the David's and the Malcolm's of the world

Tonight while i have my man it is you that i think of.  Neither of you treated me quite so right but there was something elusive and dangerous that made me think of you.

I wonder where you are these days? If you ever think of me? If i were mearly just another girl, another face longforgotten. 

I never made my mark. 

Life went on. I moved on. I smiled and laughed following the tears i cried for you. 

I even have another now -- but why are you still on my mind?

Five words for the one

Genuine, confident, trustworthy, reliable, honest

Five words to describe him

Accomplished, Posh, Selfish, Arrogant, Self-righteous

All at once or nothing at all

As murphy's law would have it, you either have no one or a stampede of men trying to knock down your door.

Well ok, a stampede is an exaggeration and none are keen to "that" extend, but it is like a floodgate has opened. An old flame who "never called" has found my number in an old bill "Oh i changed phones", another old flame wants to see how i am and even the waiter at my local french bakery leaves me his number with a chocolate eclaire.  Then there's that night of discussing einsteins theory of relativity with a best friends who could be more or what about the boy of the moment with whom i shared a glass of red on a roof top bar.

Yes its one of those moments where the choice is plenty but the stakes are high. Do i go for my Mr Big, hoping for my Carrie fairytale to turn true, do i go for the safety net of familiarity and trust, of shared backgrounds or do i simply go for the cutie who treats me well and life seems so easy with. 

Life is sometimes complicated, this time in good ways...only time will tell of the future but if i were to dream.....

It would be Me and my Mr Big

Loneliness

Its one of those moments where i feel all alone in the world. Memories of what used to be, of decisions made and friends undone.

In some ways i had the world at my fingertips and in other ways i let life slip me by. I sit here now in my apartment all alone on a sunday night wondering but what to do, fill of men that never cut it, with a career so successful it brings with it more stress than smiles, with so much money that i've too much debt. An immaculate apartment, a stainless steel world and only the best of the material world. A perfection of sterility which leaves no room for compromise.

I sit here today looking at wedding photos of a friend, of a beautiful bride and groom, a world which escapes my reach. A wedding i did not get an invite to because i swapped my friends to become a corporate gobetrotter. No guy beside me because i'm too strong and independent.

How do i reclaim my life? Why is it that the only thing calling is a management presentation? Why is life so difficult and stressful? Why have i not got a friend to call, a shoulder to cry on? 

Tears streaming down of a life that may become a has been, a never did happen. 

How do i turn things around?

New rules on life and dating

Rule No 1: Never sleep with a guy in the first three dates

Rule No 2: Never have more than two drinks on a date within the first three dates

Rule No. 3: Never have more than 2 drinks on a school night

Rule No. 4: Never pretend to be someone i am not

The rest will come but i think i have figured out what will be a solid foundation for the future.

The learning curve of life

My whole life, i meet men and mistake the lust and the sparkle for love. Those intense moments limited by certain barriers, time, space, location which makes it all the more exciting.

All those womanizers i dated that someone passed through my filters as romantic.

So this guy, he messages after midnight, its all about the drinking and convenience and will call when he's in town. My messages lay to rest for many a day.

I was dreaming of a lifetime together, clasping onto straws when there was no substance. Lust clouds judgement and that is all. Sex and love are two different things to men.

So i've made some mistakes. Slept with him too early and called him a few too many times. 

Whats a girl to do when she still harbours a little hope in her heart for him but is aware of the hurt and heart ache which awaits.

So the next week she will wait on the sidelines. She will be busy and she will not see him. Practise a certain self restraint and see what happens. 

If he is into me, he will make it happen. If he is not, then let it be.....

Love to hate to hatred

From love to hurt to hatred. 

Tears roll as i think of trust destroyed, hope shattered. I never really knew him, just craved for something that didn't exist. Something special, exciting, life changing. I wanted to fall crazy in love. 

In reality its another world. Am i chasing illusions? giving him a false sense of light? 

He just another egostatistical man, looking for a fling and preying on naive young girls with starry eyes. He's not who i thought he was.

Yesterday i dreamt of falling asleep in his eyes. Today i feel emptiness in my heart.

Just another Jerk

So i call him

He'd received my messages all along, he'd had a chance to get in touch, he just hadn't didn't, wouldn't.

So while i pinned away dreaming of him, he was back in sydney without a care in the world.

It hurts.

Who gives a shit yeah?

Probably best to forget a man like him.  He doesn't seem to be all he's cracked up to be.

Disapointment, tears, he's not worth it.

In a dream

So out of the blue when  least expect it, he calls. He had lost his phone back in hong kong and had gone through tests of will and testament to regain my number. Old phone bills, memories, he searched far and low until success, his perserverance proved a success.

And so to make it special when he lay eyes on her again it was with red roses and a moonlight walk along the beach. Her eyes sparkled, her hair glistened as he gently cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a gentle kiss. With the ocean thrashing in the background against the sand and the whole world slipping away they embrace . Its just perfect, all the waiting and the trials and tribulations all seem so worthwhile at this one moment. 

If only dreams can come true.....

Waiting for a call

So once again i find myself with those pangs of anxiety that comes from wiaiting for a call. 

Will he? Won't he?

Does he love me? Does he love me not?

And over and over again it goes in my head.

I try to keep busy, i try to do things, i try to keep busy. 

My mind wanders, back to him, his gorgeous eyes, that smile, the way he made me feel.

Why is love so complicated?

I wish for him to call.

Hurt too many times

Sometimes i want to cry. Cry because i'm at that stage where there has been too many men, too many broken hearts. Its hard to trust someone.

I want somebody to love so badly, yet i also value my freedom and love feeling that special attraction.

But throwing down the towers around me is so very hard. What if he is not interested? What if i get hurt once again?

Sometimes i just want to say goodbye to these feelings i feel for him. They are too intense, too hard. 

I want to cry. 

I like him but he is not here. I don't know where he is. He is not making an effort to getting in touch.

Do i forget about him. just let it go cos life like that?

Moments of excitement

Once again i am in love.

In anticipation of exciting days, what may or may not be. 

I love the feeling and hate it at the same time. Passion flowing freely, trust cautiously appearing out of a shell, a few walls crumbling down.

And that small bit of fright, a little bit of scared for what might be, what he may not feel.

Isn't this what love is all about? I want to get to the other side but without these feelings there may not be another side.

So i sigh and i wait for the future to unravel.

Another note to S

Dear S,

Its been about 18 months now since we last set eyes on one another and about six months since i last wrote a note to you and sent it to the wind. 

Life has changed once again. The whole world has really. The financial crisis is beginning to hit my life and things seem not so stable. I wonder how you are going with it all? From memory you invested a lot. And those shares you advised me to buy, well they didn't crash as badly as others but crash they did. I think i'll hold onto them, hoping in the long term they will grow.  How has the crisis effected you, is that now your home or is it elsewhere?

And onto other parts of life, is there a special girl in your life? Yes the one that replaced myself? For me you see i have once again met the man of my dreams. Dashing, handsome, intelligent, successful, charming and confident.  He makes me feel so special. Its another one of those romances in the sky. Fairytales through another time.

Only time will tell how life unholds. Once again i hope your well. I think of you sometimes but no longer in that way. Still i wonder whatever happened to you and us.... 

Everything i wanted to become i became

What do you do when life has worked out exacty as you anticipated. Everything your parents dreamt you'd become, you have outreached.  Your walking on a tight rope high up in the clouds with no sign of falling off.

Confident in the world of men and ego's, you walk confidently into the future. Graceful, classy, powerful. The future just gets brighter and brighter. Succeeding in a mans world doesn't seem so difficult.

Yet the everyday politics, those notions creeping into your head as you wonder about success. Does it make you hppy?, do you need something more? If you need something more, then what would that be?

Life is full of questions. Sometimes we need to be careful what we dream of for dreams do come true.

As one door closes another one opens

So i've met the most wonderful man, perhaps even the one i have been waiting for. 

He's been on the sidelines for some time -- always planning to meet but never really making it.  It was somehow meant to be.

Confident, clever, good looking and just the type of guy you could spend a sunday morning with, looking dreamily into each others eyes. 

Butterflies, anticipation, special memories forming.

Life is good.

Nice just doesn't cut it

So its another goodbye. 

Was it that he was too nice? Probably not.

But he lacked a certain confidence, a certain bit of ambition, a certain bit of independence. Personality wise we are world's apart. We may be the same age but it feels like i'm a decade ahead. 

And maybe "nice" is simply not enough. It does need to be accompanied by a little bit of lust, a certain dreamy look into each others eyes and a tad of animal lust. You need to crave for your man. It is memories and those wonderful firsts that keep you together forever, keeps a flame ignited. 

Breaking up is hard to do.

Is it the nice guy that wins the race?

I thought of another him tonight. Another time when i thought i was in love with a boy who never quite treated me right. He had just the right amount of bad boy in him and candy dangling in front of my eyes to keep me on my toes and let the butterflies in my stomach rule my heart.

Oh how i cried for him and missed him and loved the way he dribbled sweet words and held me in his arms for moments in time. Often the smooth ones are the most dangerous, ridiculously passing as the "nice guys" when in fact they are the worst of them all.

So is there a time in every womens life, where she gets sick of all these jerks and decides that maybe, maybe after all,  a lifetime together is to be shared with the nice guy. Its that realisation that excitement and butterflies are fleeting, that memories won' hold you together forever, that in the end respect, trust, faithfullness and friendship are ultimate. That the man who wants to here you speak and see whats really inside of you before he hops between the sheets is really the one that you should be with.

Is this what growing up is ultimately about?

Another life, another time

Dear S

Its been over a year. There has been many men but only one city since i last wrote. I still think of you sometimes, wonder how you are, where you are, who your with?

But i don't miss you the way i used to. You are but a fond memory. I stopped craving for you. Those craving turned to other men.

And my life, its still going well. Work is full of excitement. Men are a plenty. I am once again in a stable relationship. This time with a nice guy - i think he may even be a keeper.

I fell for a soccer player you know. He was exciting and fun. He was the reason i forgot about you really. But then that all went to dust, as all things exciting seem to.

So i'm going to try out the nice stable good guy. Is my childhood of frivolity over? Is it time to settle down to life?

Only time will tell.

Be careful what you wish for - you might just get it

A few months back i was at an indian wedding and i walked away dreaming of meeting an indian man.

Come new years and who do i end up with. So i am seeing an indian guy, the type that you settle down with, the type that your intincts tell you to trust. The type of guy that will be by your side with a smile on his face.

So i say good bye to the fugitives and the soccer players, to the taken and the ones aiming into the sky.  

Its time to start living life, being a good person, being stable and happy.

A changing of the tide

With the coming of a new year , with the growing older through time, i enter a new life stage in my life.

An older, wiser, more mature one. 

A place i never thought i would reach, enter, wanter to reach.

It was a few thoughts here and there, a few sentiments, a few looks of the joy on their litte faces as they pass me by. Is that maternal instinct finally surfacing? Am i but yet another pin in the whole scheme of the world, doing their best, to live life and be happy.

Just like everyone else?

So close, yet so far away

I miss you. I miss your arms around me, your body, the way we moved together, the kisses, the hugs and falling alseep together. I miss waking up with you. 

Why don't i call you? Why don't you call me?

Do you miss me too?

I wonder...

An abundance of all, yet no substance to it all

We have everything available to us in abundance these days. Choices, opportunities, material possessions, countries, cities and even friends. Yet sometimes it feels like we get lost in it all, that it all gets spread so thin that after a while, a whole lot of everything amounts to not much of anything.

We look to our friends. Any facebook page would have me at the height of a social butterfly, i have just under 300 hundread friends. That doesn't even include all the friends of friends i have at my disposal to tap into if i wish. 

Yet i have no best friends. In amougst the masses i have missed out on forging that one, two, three four person tribe that sticks thick and thin, through it all. I don't have someone i tell all about my day each night, there is no one to call to say i am sick, there is no one to have a night out with or a chat when i feel lonely.

And its like that for everything. We have at our disposal the entire world. Its one of the greatest times to be alive.

Yet so sterile and lonely. 

Craving substance

Another year comes to an end

So close to the end of another year. This time it has crept up even faster than the last. Its at this stage that you start reflecting on the year that was. The milestones you achieved, the laughs that you had, those special never to forget moments lived and the mistakes you learnt from. 

Every year it comes down to a number of moments in our lives that pool together to define the year that was.

So for me this year was one of solidifying a life that had been running around the world, free as a bird for some time. It was one to stabilise and figure out the important things, slow down a bit so that one can move forward even faster into the future. All good lives need a solid base and this was the year i started creating that.

So i changed careers and moved into my first management role, i bought my first apartment, i lived in one city i call home for three seasons and intend to stay for more, i bought some expensive make up, i dated someone and i lost someone, i watched the first of my friends get married and really started to appreciate the wonderful-ness of my family.

It was a year of building solid foundations so that i can soar next year. All dreams need foundations.

What will next year bring? Only time will tell...

life in retrospect and history repeating itself

To my dear sis,

Today in you, i caught a glimpse of a mistake i myself made. It broke my heart to see it repeating itself, yet i felt so helpless not saying anything. I am not the best communicator and even if i was, would it make a difference.

I always envied the friendships that you had. I was always the one that was flying around the world, running from the arms of one exciting man to another, making new friends, developing new careers, making plans to stake out my own share of this world.  You were the one that stayed in melbourne, holidays were for spending time with good friends. You had no desire to take over the world or see what it was like to live on every continent in the world.   So while i never stayed put the keep the friendships alive that i crave today, i saw you enrich them, embedded in them and glowing in their glory.

Yet the other day i enquired about your best friend. Yes the one that was always in every photo of you, the one that new all about you, the one that everyone new was your best friend. I was surprised at your response, that she was no longer your best friend.

I remembered back to the days of my two best friends. Before falling in love with men, before traveling he world.   They were the best of friends and life was beautiful and it was always smiles and fun.  Yet i never kept in touch, i lost that magic. A few years later i realised what a mistake that i had made, that as you grow older, friends are not so easy to make, that bonds form in younger days are often stronger than those from later life. That in younger days, of uni days, of school days one has the time to really get to know another, unlike in later life where the world gets busier and busier. 

So those friendships for me were never the same again. Who would have thought that my best friend i would call but once a year, if that at all?

So my dear sis, i see red lights, i want to see you make up and realise the importance of those friendships formed when young.

I hope you sort it out in time, for it too much time passes that magic is gone, and often so hard to recapture. 

A stroll through memory lane

Yesterday i went for a stroll through the botanical gardens.  Life has come so far that it is but my backyard these days.  Yet back in those days it was a magical place for you and i.  Its where we grew up, fell in love, hid from the world and found our own sanctuary.  I strolled past our special place on the hill, which overlooked the big canopy of trees below. I sat by the lake where once we asked a stranger to take a photo. Even now when i look at that photo, i can almost feel the love and emotion that we shared.

Of course that time is over. Of course in those days we lived far away, there was much to do. This place was stolen moments in time, in between classes, in between parents, in between two cultures which set to tear us apart.

These days we have both grown up. We have become successful. You and i, we can both walk here from our homes. Even see it from our windows. 

Yet for you and I, this is not a time or place any longer. We went our separate ways a long time ago. That love we shared is for the trees, for the lake, for that special spot on the hill, for another time, another world.

Its no longer ours for we walked away, each to their own destiny.

Why do i miss him so?

I never thought it would get to this. That i would crave his touch, his words, his eyes, his arms around me. 

I miss him a lot. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes lit up when i walked into the room, the way he took the lead and i was by his side. The way he confided in me with his fears and thoughts, the way he asked for my advice, the little thoughtful things he did to make sure i felt special and comfortable.

Why did i not respect him, love him, admire him and accept him from the start? Why did i doubt him so much?

I miss him now. 

I hope you call

The worst part in my mind about you and i, was that i never gave it my all. I never admires, respected and loved you with all that i had. It was cautious steps for me, protecting my heart as i let you lead.

I stayed quiet when i should of spoke. I let you assume and believe things about me that was not truth. You never saw the fiery, spunky, spontaneous girl that i am. The worst thing is you never will. 

You have written me off, never knowing the real me. And really, its me that never let you in.

I didn't know how, i didn't know when. I wanted to be someone else to see what it was like. 

So i miss you now. So i miss you and wonder what it would be like, had you have known the real me.

Right now you have a special place in my heart. To work things out, to let you in, to see if we click. The real me and the real you.

I hope you think of me sometimes with a smile, i hope you miss me, i hope you call.

Retresting back against all that was learned

I seem to have gone back in time. I was developing for a while, growing comfortable with myself, not drinking, being fit and healthy, enjoying the quiet me time.

And then one day i find myself alone and feeling lonely. Of wanting company without quality. 

Its time for a change. Time to let go of the past, to figure out whats stressing me out, to straighten out my life and find the core to my happiness.

Easier said than done tho.

I miss those moments in India which made me realise how lucky i was to have my life. 

And men. How to sory out the men in my life. I think now is the time to venture forth, time to enter a part of my life once more where i want to throw caution to the wind and have fun. 

So let me make a commitment. From today onwards for the next two months of my life its just fun and games, nothing serious. I want to sleep with any guy i so find desirable, give those i wouldn't usually give a try and just enjoy life for just a little while. 

Because i can, because i want to, becuase i am free.

Busy busy busy

Sometimes its nice to be busy. It distracts you in some ways, it keeps the adreline up and you forget about those bigger issues in your life that haunt your when you find a moment all to yourself.

But at the same time, your running away in some ways, are you not? Ultimately one day one must face their problems. If one does not, it will linger on.

Be careful what you wish for

When i was young and a dreamer i had this image in my mine. An image of a lady with a trench coat, a samsonite suitcase, a designer handbag and dark glasses, hopping from city to city, catching planes as if it were a bus. I saw her sipping wine in expensive restaurants, flicking through magazines in the lobby of an expensive restaurant, sitting in a boardroom with a suit, hopping from one function to the next.

And then one day i became that women.

Sometimes dreams do come true.

And then sometimes i absolutely love it. It defines me, it drives me, it makes me smile with pride. Yet other times i find myself alone in an expensive hotel, missing my family, missing my friends, missing that familiarity.

Some dreams loose their glimmer. Or they become reality and one must find new dreams.

But in finding new dreams one becomes more careful, for dreams do come true.