Today was a nice day with him

We didn't talk but we texted. Which is my preferred and comfort way of communicating.

We texted a lot until he stopped. Probably got busy.

It is part working out what works after we meet. Or realising like most couples our communication is shit and not being able to do anything about it. 

I truly feel for him. Just not as excited as I was yesterday when I woke up. 

And the other man. A little more interested than yesterday but still not as much as the man from far away.

Everything is fleeting and impermanent. 

What does it matter?

somewhere sometime - he lost my trust

 And I trusted him a lot.Without being stupid.

Now you are stranded.

I don't care.

We could have changed the world together. But we won't. We will both walk away and say our goodbyes. Thankyou and good bye. 

Do you really really for real let me go?

Do you feel nothing for me?

Are you not interested in me?

Do I add no value to your life?

Past determines my value add, bu I can alway improve.

 But seems like I can't help either way..  

You warned me.

 But I did not listen.

But now I get it.

Maybe I get a few days of working it out. 

Who knows

Who cares

I really really miss my first love 

How can everything just fall away so quickly...

how do you not feel

 It is not about knowing. It is about feeling. For I think maybe you never felt for me. Maybe I never knew you. And maybe we were strangers passing in the night sky...

New Beginnings

 And sometimes you just know you are starting over again. The easy part of you and I is that we were always pretend and never together. I loved the man you may have been. But last night you showed me that you were far from my fantasies. ''

So maybe our dreams are over. Or my dreams are over as you were never part of them. You told me you were not. So we need to become friends again. Forget about the possibility of anything more. I need to start dating again. We both move on with our lives without a major disruption. 

But last night when you were at that party rather than thinking to spend your free time talking to me. I realised we were not right. I am happy to stay friends if that is even possible.

But all those mornings I dreamt and the future I dreamt in your arms - I know does now exist.

So goodbye to you my lover than never was...

The new man

He has sort of crept up on me. Met him on tinder. Not forceful. But we get along really well. Very much life in common. Too much to talk about. But also very careful on the pandemic so slowly slowly. He is not my usual type. But lets see how we go. 

The man from far away is fading away...

Tonight I saw the real you

 So I guess I have been dreaming and living with the fantasy you. But today you said you were at a party. We have not been speaking because I have backed off because I thought you were stressed and busy. But now I know that is not the case. You can make time for a party. Just not for me. It does not matter. I dreamt a relationship for us in my head that does not exist. 

Maybe we can just be good friends. No expectations. But also he wants to be friends. So we will be friends. And I will online and tinder on as we are not real. 

But real insight is I have been dreaming of a guy that is fiction. He is not real. You are. not making any effort to be with me. 

So tonight I also stop. We can be friends which is always nice. We always have been. But we walk away from being lovers right now tried by me. But I think you will be ok with it. 

A different life

 I don't life about expectations.

He does not question me.

But reality and law does not change.

Maybe I am seeking the impossible.

and he know's that already.

And tinder is my only chance of dying with a partner...

I doubt we will work out even though I feel he could be the love of my life if interested.  I just think I will be forced away from someone I love that wants to love me more .. and its goodbye to a man not interested in me but we could have been ...

sometimes I delete you

Not you. Just the apps of our communication. 

Because seeing your lack of response is hard. And today I know you took a break and you needed space over contact with me.  But you have no idea how badly I am doing. I need to walk away from you and today and your comments were a realisation. I still love you very much. But I guess you are not. Or I am not meant for you.

I still have hope for us but maybe I need to start stepping back. To stop crying when I see some of your messages. You say detrimental for relationships and I am realising that. Even though I also think you are amazing. 

Maybe its not us and I just need to work on local relationships that might work. Maybe the Aussie culture works better for me that the sub-continental one...

Who knows...but all I know is thet I am available and you can reach out but you don't but maybe that is a cultural thing that you can't. I'm struggling too.....

It is hard my way too

 I know I live a cushy life. But I have been depressed and sad for a long time. And you have been a comfort. And I opened unto you.  And I have been patient as life is so bad for you.

But I think I need to register than you consider me a close friend but maybe not much more. Maybe you don't confide in me. Maybe I talk to you more than I should. And just maybe you see no future with us even though I dream of you every single minute and day and daydream about you by my side.

Maybe I just need to take your. lead. Accept what may be even though you are what my heart truly desires. Things need to be two ways. But you are not wanting me. I don't even know you are interested. 

And maybe there are others I can be with. Explore while you still want to be friends when I am ready for a long distance commitment when it is just you and i. 

You are getting back on your feet so I will stay. But it gets harder each day.

I love you babe. But maybe you don't. And you don't communicate with me much. Maybe this is what happened with Dee and I. He tried to help me and I took him for. granted. But now I try to help you and you are taking me for granted. I can't blame you at all. Its all human behaviour.

Do I walk away or keep trying with a man I love that isn't communicating or wanting to be with me? Do I move on with some tinder men that are interested more that may or may not work out? 

Reality is that I love you very much but the feelings are not reciprocated. 

I spent all morning in your arms

It's not healthy I know. Living in my fantasy world. This was what I did when I was a kid. It's what I have always done.  

There were a few years of being in relationships where it all worked out. But these days you are on my mind 24/7. I dream of what it will be like when we meet. Almost obsessively. 

We fell asleep in each others arms last night. And I woke up in yours in the morning. To your warm embrace. And it was nice. 

I can't wait to chat next. But I also can't wait to see you. Hopefully both vaccinated and we start having options to meet. To consider a life together. A life I crave with you. Because this life I have, while it seems wonderful on paper, is not one I want right now. 

The state of the world

It feels so depressing these days. Living through a pandemic in a relatively safe world. Watching devastation while only really slightly exposed. Hearing about the aftermath. It's all mostly bad news. 

Will we ever get out of this? is it justified that we even worry when the rest of the world is in a bad place.

I feel so sad after hearing of the theft. And he is privileged. Imagine how bad the rest are doing. 

But just feel down and sad and bad. 

I wish I could be by his side. Hold his hand. Give him a hug. Not to help but give a bit of reassurance that its human connection and what we have that matters. But it is yet to exist. 

He will work this out. I have confidence. 

I wish I could help in some way. 

I wish I could touch him

 To gently graze his arm, to give him a hug, a warm embrace. 

A gentle touch between two humans in love can be magic and comforting when the whole world appears to be against you.

I got that one so so wrong

 The man from. far away is in a bad place. Major theft adding to his stress. I should stop being so selfish and be more caring and understanding.

So much going on right now and the stress in my cushy life couldn't even be called stress.

I want it to be you

To meet a man that is so crazy about me that he will chase me and want me and make it work. My mum had that. Back in the day a lot of women had that. 

These days I case him.

Maybe he is just not that into me. Replacing the excitement of a first love with a pandemic filled with death and devastation. Or simply just ignoring him for another man when we could meet in person. I never even met to say goodbye in person. I was horrible to him back then. Disappeared in a flash. 

Back in the day I wasn't interested. But I am so interested now. Am I just being stupid. Only wanting men it can't work with. 

To be truly honest if you were to say you want to marry me, I would give up my career and move to India and see how it goes. Maybe I will work. Maybe I won't. But part of me will be happy not to. Or to help you out. 

I had you on a pedestastal. No man works like that.

So goodbye to you my lover in me head. It was amazing while it lasted in my head. 

Some days are just lonely and desolate

I love my mum. My only comfort and solace and any love that I get.

Everything else is just daydreaming. I have no real connections anymore. No one to talk to. No one to see.

I am dreaming if I think me and the man from far away will work out. But also he is stressed and he is a great guy. But I think I live out the romance in my head than with him. It is probably not real. Maybe I am turning him into somebody he is not and its all in my head as he keeps telling me. 

I don't know when this will end. When this random life during a pandemic with these lockdowns will ever end. Approaching the autumn or the winter of my life. And there is no spring and summer. They have passed. I am wasting away in time.  I'm sad. I'm down. 

I have moments where it feels good but I am living in a parallel reality in my head. I think I always have lived in my own world in my head. With men I connect with that don't exist. While trying to make connections with those that exist in reality. 

Sometimes the movies we watch ruins you. 

I have not been doing well lately. But good at hiding it. But feeling like retreating from the world. Just not mum as she is all I have. The man from far away is great but I also think I have changed him in my daydreams of who he actually is, albeit a really nice guy that maybe ten years ago I ignored. 

The friends I have including the man from faraway - they barely know me. No one does except maybe my mum. Who I don't confide in, or but I do but such little, but she sees my pain. 

I feel stuck in luxury right now. Trapped by wealth. Trapped by money. Living a life that seems great on paper but deep down I am just sad. 

So very very sad.

He's doing it tough, I am in my head being impatient

But nothing is actually wrong. If anything it is my lack of understanding.

And he is trying to tell me that he can't contact me because he is actually busy. And I know what that is like. Like when it is realistic. 

And so him telling me that is enough for me. 

I stay in touch because I can. Ask questions. But its ok by me if he gets busy. I know him too well. Not the type to ignore me or play games. He actually is busy and kind of surrounded by death and devastation. 

But his message to say he can't talk. I know he really can't. But also not trying to push me away. I think we have real feelings for each other. 

I miss him. But in reality over a year before we can even consider meeting. The pandemic brought us together. If in a time where he was a few days away from meeting - I actually had no interest. 

So lets keep daydreaming. Passively exploring other men. But I know who has my heart.This time is real as he knows too.

 and I could tell him by text in my own way I feel comfy. 

I get up in the middle of the night

To check if you have messaged. I know you must be busy. Lot is on for you. But sometimes I think I need to understand that this is also all happening inside my head. This whole relationship that I have with you. I live it out in my head to indulge. But that moment of indulgence has gone pretty far. We spend so much time together in my head. Inseperable. Is it us? or is it past boyfriends overlaid on you? It would be hard to make us work.

Maybe I should let you lead? 

Maybe one day you need him to act like a man

 I am all his. but he needs to own me. if he wants. 

Some days

 Some days you feel in love with a man. But he stops contacting you. Maybe because you don't matter. maybe because he thinks he don't matter.You will never know why. but sometimes have to say goodbye. I want you so bad babe. but you don't want to talk to me a bout it.

The ebs and flows of life

 In a really bad place. Just day in and day out. Everything seems pointless. In my head the man from faraway lives with me. We speak all the time. I fall asleep in his arms. 

Yet I tinder and work and do stuff. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. But it can't be. How can I love someone so so much and it not be real. I feel the feelings are reciprocated although cautiously. 

He's still very much in my thoughts

 And that was silly thinking right now. He is in lockdown, stressed by work and surrounded by death and worry. The last thing he needs is my demands or me disappearing. Regardless he is my best friend. And perhaps that is all that we will be. Who knows.

I still day dream of him all the time. Picture him next to me. I will indulge for a bit longer.

I am SAD

 I think the best thing is to say goodbye and leave. He knows I like him. but nothing matters or changes.

I need to walk away. Let him decide he will or open my life to another

Right now in no mans land, being taken for granted.

One more day and then I will leave. 

I doubt you will even realise how I feel. 

should I say goodbye to us

 for the first time ever I have found a man I love/like. But we cannot be. We talk but I spend more time waiting for his replies.

I have to walk away sometime right. I have told him how I feel. It's all a hard situation. But it is unrealistic from the man from far away. Maybe also both too old to make things happen. 

I will miss saying goodbye to this. 

Will it ever work

 I dream of him. We wake up every morning together and old. I picture us both middle aged and really old because neither of us are young.

But maybe we are not meant to be. I want to see more effort from you. But I out too much in, you are stressed, the wold is is a much worst state. I can hold things together bu I need to know a bit from you!

I miss you. and every message you send me makes sparks fly. 

I also love you.

I  actually love you. and this is more real than before.

the only but is that maybe we will Never ever be together

Just going through the motions

That's what it feels like these days. Was a good day at work today. I actually enjoyed myself with some site visits.

I spoke a bit to the man from faraway too. 

I was feeling a little sick.

Good chat with a few people and mum.

Just another day of going through the motions. 

i woke up this morning thinking of you

 You were in my bed. and we cuddled and did a little bit more. But more than anything i was in your arms. I dream of the man from far away that now knows i like him. 

Will i ever get to touch you? who knows? but my heart belongs to you.

Who would have thought. 

Some days

 I day dream about him. I think of him all the time.

He has no idea.

But the man from far away knows i like him.

And i sleep imagining i am in his arms.

I don't know how real that is.

But i can dream right. 

the man from far away

 He now knows i feel

So i told him

 and that i did. It feels good to get it off my chest. To be honest. To open up. To be true.

He was level headed. Friends till we meet. He wasn't convinced i felt the way i did. But it wasn't a no either. Just surprised. 

Maybe we get closer as time goes on. I am glad to share with him. 

The man from far away finally knows how i feel. 

Opening up my heart

Yoga retreats are a great way to get in touch with reality. For grounding and opening up the heart. It's exactly what I needed. I'm also very much in love with the man from far away. And he confides in me as I do in him, 

So tonight is not ideal. But I will persevere. I sense of happiness prevails. 

A sense of unfulfilled desire at work. In time maybe my dissatisfaction will grow a lot. Maybe my mortgages will be paid off. And I can be wild and free. But this is the time to be wild and free. Not when your sick and can't do it. 

It's right now to treat your body as a temple. 

And he tried so hard

First date in ages. He was nice. I actually think I looked good and confident. Yet the sparks were not flying. Despite him trying so hard. I felt uncomfortable. Sometimes bored. Feel so bad for him. I've been speaking to him out of desperation. And now I crave a man I once ignored. 

Minds can change. 

Minds certainly can but I crave the man faraway who I actually feel we have more than lust for. For the first time in my life someone I get along with. Someone I once friend zones, just like with this guy but now I like. 

What a cruel cruel mind. 

But I miss that man that is so far away and doesn't know how much I have fallen for him.

Today I am feeling happy

 After a tumultuous few days of feeling down, today is a turning point. I know this too will pass but I am feeling content. 

Nice chat with the man from far away but I focused in on him than me, getting to know him, about what stresses him out, and also just having a laugh. I fall for him more and more each day. 

Works also a bit calmer having told my manager about where I was struggling and asking to tune out of something and leaving it with them to sort out. I have my own projects as we go on.

I've had a lovely week staying with mum. Absolutely lovely. I was meant to be here for her but instead she has healed me. 

And I have a date tonight with the man closer to Home that I have been chatting too. Let's see where an in person dinner goes. My heart is with another who does not know, but no harm in just an innocent dinner.  I hope I am not being unfair to him.

One foot not quite in the place I want to be and the other not quite in where I don't want to be.  

Happy and sad all at the same time

 I am working from mums. I feel like I don't want to leave. I miss him even though he is faraway. I wait to see his messages even though he does not. Probably does not know I like him.

I didn't sleep well. I was tired. My brain a little broken. A bit deflated.

But so nice at mums. I don't really want to leave.

And the best couple ever broke up. And it appears I will be looking after their dog for a bit. But that's fine. 

And I've needed someone to talk to. Mum is great but I can't tell her how bad I feel. How tired. I stressed. But he is in a whole another level of pain over there. The world in devastation. In constant fear. What I have is nothing.

I couldn't be happier to be here. And now I heard from him and it brings me happiness. 

I wish I could tell him how much I love him. I see a future for us. It would be crazy if we didn't have one. 

Frustrated

I have had the most annoying day at work. Getting involved in politics and stuck. Its annoying but my care factor is also close to zero. I have better things I can do. 

But the reality is I just want to vent. To talk to someone about it. A partner. And I want to talk to him. Not to the other him. 

And I worry about him too. What happens if something happens. He's still working and out and about. It seems so odd as I sit at home all day, almost in a self imposed lockdown. The injustice in this world is so unfair.

I feel so down about it. 

I need to start meditating. 

I like being at mums.

Life goes by meaninglessly. 

Sometimes I don't like my work. But hate would be too strong a word at the worst of times. Yet I can't say it excites me.

I love teaching meditation. 

I love the sense of peace and calm I get from yoga and meditation,

I love the comforts of being at home with mum. It's really nice here. And nice to have company too. Especially when taking a break. 

Next lockdown I will spend here. 

Forwards and then backwards

 I want to stop. And I sometimes do. But then I start again. I'm looking for that buzz. I don't even know what I get. If it really feels any different. Any more relaxed. I get a better buzz from a message from him. But then I think of all the devastation in the world. And then this luxury easy life I lead. And the inequality. And then that its. I start again. 

I've been speaking to someone

 So I've been speaking to a guy lately. On the phone. He seems alright. We call quite often. He is keen but I have been a tad busy to meet up. Mostly because of the way I look these days. I always feel like I need to lose some weight to truly really move on with my life. I am yet again on day three and starting to feel better albeit tired due to the insomnia. 

It's also that my heart is with another. Another that does not know. That I almost had the guts to tell. One I live in a dreamland with like he is beside me. One that is stopping me from moving  forward with anything. Something that is wonderful but heart wrenching at the same time. 

Devastation

I'm living a fairytale romance in my head. And the other day I almost told you. But you got busy and the call dropped out. And now I've lost my nerve. And it feels impossible and yet so real.  And your in a place of devastation.

I am in a place of devastation watching your devastation. 

Life seems impossible in a pandemic despite this cushy life. I actually had a nice day with mum and cat. Nice meals, a fancy haircut. It was a nice day. But was also feeling down. 

Sometimes I think to turn this around I really need to delete the news and the social media. To really limit wasting so much time. Time I should be enjoying each moment, meditating, resting, sleeping, gym, eating healthy, meeting someone realistic, spending more time with mum without the phone. 

The devastation I can't do anything about. I need to get out of this rut. 

A fairytale that ends without a happy ending

 And just like that reality comes back. He has a life. I have a life. He might have a new girl in his life. I suspect that but he has not told me. Actually we don't video call anymore. Just the occasional facebook message. I can feel us slipping away. The excitement for what could be.

Our worlds are just so far apart. And i didn't appreciate you when ten years ago when we had the chance for something more. 

So goodbye my lover that never was. We will also never be.

Just raw emotion

I dream of him daily these days. And we message daily. He has become my best friend and confidant. I look forward to seeing him once this pandemic world returns to semi normal.

Someone that is easy to talk to and confide in. And so very attractive.  From true friendship to love. 

I wonder what we will be. But these days I just can't stop thinking about him. Back then was not the right timing but now is different.

I wonder if he feels the same way. Or if we are just two platonic friends. 

Only the universe will know. But the connection I feel is so so strong!

I'm in love

 For real this time. But he does not know. Maybe he will never know.

And he's been in front of me this whole life. I met him over a decade ago. But I didn't see him. Didn't value the friendship. Didn't see the real him.

I am falling head over heels for a guy that lives in a different continent in the midst of a pandemic which makes flying so hard. But I feel so close to him. We chat and enjoy but really there is something unspoken between us. 

To have it all in this world but not being able to tell him how I actually feel. I wonder if he feels the same. 

How could we make it work?

                

On imagining

 So maybe we could have that future? I think yes. You and I - we work

 So there is someone I get excited about. But he is unexpected. Like always there but always not. I can see this work but it is complicated. But what happens when you meet someone you trust absolutely.  Does he move? do I move? we can both move? I am excited once more for a man. This time it feels real. We are truly best friends. With a smile on my face I fall asleep.

That guy is a distant memory

So the last man i was with. He was gone for a spiritual journey. He is back now. I may have wanted hime before he left but i don't want him now. Not because he is better or worse. But we didn't work. He was not respectful with me. He was selfish. And he can pretend to be as spiritual as he wants but i know he treated me like shit. And if that is how you treat those closest to you, your grand gestures mean very little.

time and time again i start over

Its hard. I do so well generally. and at times i do so well all the time. I need to find a way to capture that. All the external things i cared about have fallen away. I care about me on the inside. its different.

Day before a new me

So tomorrow I head off on a 21 day silent meditation retreat. I am actually pretty excited. To have an opportunity to disconnect and just focus on being mindful, kind and compassionate.

The last few weeks I have not been as consistent with meditation - or not at all. So this is a welcome change for I know meditation has always been like a massage whose effects disappear over time but doesn't completely go away.

Hanging out in this Thai town I feel a difference in me and my experience. Where once I would have been haggling at markets and seeing people trying to screw me over - these days I see the genuine happy people as they are. I feel I am making connections. And just being nice and people are nice in return.

This is an inspiring place. I saw an old Thai lady, could barely walk, dressed in white selling 20 baht crackers. She wasn't pushy and simply stood outside shops and every vendor bought something little from her out of respect. I felt bad she was still working. But in some ways that's real human connection she has. Strangers and people that just care.

So tomorrow as I disconnect and go within myself I wonder about the me that will emerge. Meditation has just been an amazing part of my life and I can't even imagine the profound changes that are possible. I have a really good feeling about this.

Life is good right now. I could not ask for more. 

Its hard to say goodbye properly

So I do miss you. But its still goodbye. You dion;t want to bail me out or make me feel better in this moment in time. In this moment in time that you can decide if I matter. And you choose to let the universe matter. There days of wild young love is long gone. You told me yourself.  You could not get that feeling back.

So there is a man I miss above all for the days of young love. But shomit you are long gone. And so is the new you. Its about now just finding excitement or excitement if someone comes my way.  or if some man turns up that's loves me with kindness and compassion. The kindness and compassion that flows. If I ever meet that man I am more than his to dedicate to his cause for ever. 

Tonight you connected back to Melbourne but choose not to include me

even if it was in private, I would have loved to be part of a conversation.  but you chose some friends.

 I mean nothing to you. Which is ok but it still makes me cry and feel sad.

But I will be ok. You were a random that I gave too much credit to. I slept with you too early. You used me for sex and I used you for connection. We kerns life lessons from each other where meeting was not a waste of time.

But you go your way and I go mine. I don't think we will meet again. I miss Dee and I miss shomit more than I miss you.

You were always half way.

There is a lesson to learn here I have yet to learn. That is why I am still here.

Cloud nine is not always that great

Great advice from Sadhguru. That walking on cloud nine means coming crashing down. Its that delicious fragile difference between inner peace and contentment and too much desire and delusion.

To love without expectation is mastery of something greater. 

Day 2 - Inner engineering

I do feel a shift happening. And I will give this technique a go. I felt happy and in the moment today although my body wasn't cooperating.

A lot of the material is similar to what I have been listening to in the last few months but nice to hear it again from a different angle. I'm interested in the energy work as well and the Kriyā technique he taught. I will do it for forty days and six months and document my new journey. Maybe this is the spiritual awakening I have been seeking. 

Inner engineering with Sadhguru

So I was hungover and just playing it by ear. There were moments I wanted to leave.

But at the end of the day he is amazing. And I have had my spiritual awakening so not everything is new.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

And the universe sent me a sign

I asked the universe to send me a sign to let me know if I should hold on or let go. And sure enough I got my sign. For he posted on facebook his flirtation with another girl.

He has already moved on. And time for me to as well.

I hold him with love and compassion but I let him go.  I am no longer falling asleep in his arms in my dreams.

So goodbye to another you. To another time and place where for a moment in time it was you and I. And goodbye to what will never be. And hello to a lifetime of friendship and spiritual growth. 

On feeling excited and in love

So he contacted me today. We spoke on messenger. Not much but enough to be real and full of spiritual growth.

I love hime so much. He makes me feel excited. The spark is so there. He changes everything. And I miss him and I love him.

I don't know if him reaching out means the same to him as it means to me. I will never know.

I am not going to hold onto expectations. Whatever will be will be. But in my heart I love him. At least in this moment.

And when he contacts me I feel happy. And I respect the meditation he is doing and the spiritual growth.

Maybe it will be he and I. Maybe it will be I with another. Time will tell and yes we meet each other for a reason or season or forever until we are enlightened. 

Needing a big reset but unable to do so

I feel like I need a big change. Living like I do now is not working. I am ok but wasting life away. A really good life.

I miss you a little less each day. Life is getting back to normal.

It was another goodbye today. With a work colleague I knew slightly but realised there was so much I could have known about him if I had of paid more attention. It was lovely none the less but oh so sad.

I do feel stuck. I go on holidays in a few days and hopefully that will be a nice reset. 

Saying goodbye but we may meet again

So tonight I finally get to that point.

Right now I love you but we go our own ways. You have your own thing and I have mine.

Maybe my love was one sided but I will never know. For you did not try to tell me you love me. And perhaps because you don't.

Its ok. Thank you. Good Bye.

One day maybe we meet again. But moist likely not. I think we will just find our own growth. And there was a moment in time we grew together. But that time is long gone. Out spiritual development has taken a turn.

Goodbye and good luck to you that boy I thought I loved.

But rest assured it was real and I love you very much. Or at least the man I thought you were when we first met. And then you changed. But all men do. I thought you were special but you and I are just two lovers like all other broken relationships. We just have the guts to walk away to have better lives.

But goodbye to a better life.

To be happy, kind and caring, I once loved you very much. Was amazed by you. Its nit possible to feel that way again but I miss those days of innocence or manybe a man that can live up to a childhood dream of a perfect man.

I won't hold my breath. Let the excel sheets live my life and be happy.

In some ways I get your thinking

There is only this moment.

It does not matter about you or I in reality for which we both subscribe to as reality.

When there is only this moment and only the present, maybe it does not matter if we are together or not.

Something too ponder but so easy to accept.

I still miss you very much

If you wanted to be together, regardless of you taking a journey. If you wanted to be with me and consider trying for long distance.  I probably would have been receptive.

Instead you gave me no hope. Was it because I was not the right girl? Maybe. It wasn't all that perfect.

Or was it because you need solidarity. A delusion you thought was real before you started chasing girls again.

Do I just need to see your reality. You told me and others you like chasing girls. I was the one that did not respect myself enough to succumb.

Maybe I was a nobody in your world. As time passes and with the wisdom time gives us, I am beginning to see that you did not respect me or treat me well.

Maybe you are another that I will look back on and wonder what I ever saw in you.

My mind still loves you very much. But we have plenty of time in your absence to find the truth.

Vibrating right back at you

So I saw him friending some beautiful young women. Hardcore pretty women. But also some monks so my attention was clearly only focused on the worst. And yes I am a little jealous and a bit insecure even though we are not together. Its easy to only see the best in social media. I bet the reality is quite different.

But then really, even if he was with these beautiful women for a moment, it wouldn't matter. It's not like I am holding onto him. I am back to considering dating and meeting men.

Sometimes they say you meet people vibrating at the same frequency. If that is the case I should not be surprised if he hooks up with another.

It was salsa dancing and dinner with a friend tonight. It was fun.

Sometimes they say everything happens for a reason. And really if he had not of left I would not off gone to the weekend retreat, up north next weekend, the workshops coming and even these dance lessons.

This is the time for me to get my life back. Get some genuine friendships built. Rekindle old ones.

I will trust in the universe.

And also, I wish him all the best happiness and peace in the world regardless of weather he is with these lovely women or not. I let him go to the world. If he comes back to me, I will know I have a keeper. If not, I will recall our time with fondness and gratitude for having had the opportunity to grow together for a moment in time. 

We become our ex's

A very long time ago a friend had a theory. For every guy we break up with, in the next relationship we act like our ex. For some reason there is some truth to that.

Lets start from most recent to the past.

My ex was super spiritual, going to many workshops and retreats and telling me all about it and I felt like I didn't have much on. Now I am doing the same and telling the new potential men all about it.

The ex before was passive and weak and not too motivated. I was like that with A.

D was a social butterfly and the life of the party and always made me laugh. I was like that with N.

D was destructive and hurtful and passive aggressive. I was like that with D.

R was aloof and just wanted to do things his way. I was sort of like that with D.

D was lovely and innocent and supportive. I was like that with R.

Well lots more but I think there is a trend in this. 

On missing you a little less each day

And I knew this would happen but you still have a very special place in my heart.

But today I was quite excited to have found my place for the meditation retreat. On looking forward to my holiday. On looking forward to the two retreats coming up this month.

Looking forward to changing my life.

Its a new night

New revelations and he is long gone.

I miss hime still yes. very very much. I just know that without him feeling the same way we have nothing. So I let go.

My world is open to all.

Thankyou to all the growth and learning and memories and the good times.

We met for a reason and as you said if we are meant to meet again we will. But I will not hold on as in your eyes you did not either. and it was just one way.

So thank you for letting me go. Letting me explore with others.

Goodbye to a boy I was crazy about but he decided he had a higher calling which I respect. The man that walks into my expectation is high but he already has shown that I belong.

So thank you to the universe

Sometimes you put us in awkward situations so we can learn to let go.

A beautiful weekend Yoga and Meditation Retreat

At first I was a little apprehensive. I leave behind my creature comforts for a scout camp with no heating and no ensuite.

Yet it's funny. I live in luxury but I was happier there.

Yes at first I thought I should leave. So many times I just wanted to leave. Yet I stayed and each moment I became more and more peaceful until I did not want to leave.

And they say everything happens for a reason. If A had still been around I never would have signed upto this and I never would have met A who would be able to introduce me to an amazing Thai monastery that just feels right to go to in November.

And there was a moment of jealousy and upheaval when I connected back to facebook but now with loving kindness and a brain of meditation I feel good again. That everything will just work out the way it is meant to be and I need not worry about the outcome.

I just need to fantasise a little less each day about him until he disappears all together. If our paths are meant to cross again, if we can grow spiritually together, I rest assured they will cross again in some form or other than is beneficial to the both of us.

But for right now, everything is as it should be. 

One of the lucky ones

Sometimes you end up in a self fulfilling prophecy. One of the lucky ones. You work hard but the opportunities just get given to you by some magical means.

So even back in the homeland I went to the same school as the presidents daughter. My kinder interview to decide how much my parents would pay for me to go to school was in English and for some reason I killed it even though that was a second language.

And in oz, being so young and so much ahead on the education curve, I rose quite quickly and assimilated so well.

And then the scholarships came in high school. Ending top in an elite private girls school with priveledges most can only dream of.

And then I graduated in top 3% and went onto the best uni in the country and got the best paying part time jobs and lived at home and enjoyed my uni days. I had it easy but I did work hard to succeed.

And the confidence and self fulfilling prophecies just continues. I just believed I was the best of the best and my environment just fed on that and made it a reality.

I got a job in a multinational destined to make me a leader. My career rose. And a few years later I decided that I only wanted to move up so far, For happiness comes with wealth but you don't need to be a millionaire.

Although I did date many millionaires. The boys arrived. They wanted my hand.  There was helicopters and boats and yachts and expensive restaurants and anything I could desire.

Somehow it was not enough. And I bought my perfect place. On my own.

And now I have met a man that is spiritual and downsizing.

And maybe the simpler life is all I want.

Who knows. Time will tell. But I have been lucky.

Today was a little sad and lonely

The office is starting to clear out. So many have left and many more will. Sometimes seeing a person is rare. It was pretty eerie at times. This whole floor for such a small amount of people.

And the goodbye cards are getting smaller as there is not that many people too sign them. We are getting good at the goodbye presentations. The perfect amount of humour and jokes with heartfelt respect and genuine care for those that leave us behind. Everyone is tearing up.

The best thing about this place is the people and they are leaving in the masses.

The last ones standing. Thats who we are. 

On missing you so much

But in a happy way.

I am so happy for you. And genuinely inspired at what you are doing.

So I indulged in tinder and a dating site. Its made me miss you that much more.

And the tiny little message you sent me today to tell me about a great meditation place made my day. A spiritual partner helping me grow but also just staying in touch and connected. Thats all I needed for you to melt my heart.

Maybe I will never get over you babe. Who knows. Maybe its not about forcing myself to move on when clearly my heart is yours. And giving you that heart unconditionally without any expectation of it to be returned by you still makes me happy. For your a good person and lovely and doing oh such a noble thing in this world.

I miss you baby. But maybe I will indulge in living this imaginary life with you for a few more days.

Thank you for staying in touch. I think I love you. 

Maybe I miss you more than I realised

Your my last thought when I fall asleep. Then I dream of you. I go back to getting a hit from you as I wake up. I live an imaginary life with you. Either in the present moment, reliving the past or in our future life as a couple.

My head tells me to move on. But my heart just wants you.

I check your facebook all the time but try not to leave a trace. I am obsessed with you.

I miss you my dear lover. I miss you a lot.

I don't think you do. Your at a higher frequency these days. You have moved on spiritually. And I hold onto memories I know I shouldn't.

I crave to get my life back on track. But somehow I am stuck. 

Trying something new

So today I signed upto elite singles. Lets see where it takes me. I'm open and curious and I have been honest in my profile.

Lets see how this new found inner peace and online dating will pan out.

It was a bit of a hard decision but I am holding on too much to a man that has in some ways left my life. Maybe our paths will cross again as he said in our parting embrace.

But sometimes its best for all involved not to hold our breath and wilt away slowly.

So here's to being open and seeing what the universe has in store for me.

Sipping coffee by the fireplace while listening to some tunes

And yes I am a little sick but oh such luxuries in life. Sick but can take time off from the world to get my head and house in order.

Maybe even some meditation later.

A shift is occurring and it starts with being in the dumps from being sick and just accepting it and getting on with life.

So here's to vibrating at a frequency greater than I have ever experienced. To new beginnings and new life experiences. To falling in love with life and embracing it. 

Sometimes the world vibrates right back at you

And it's so true. Either we match each other and learn or we go our separate ways. At the moment I feel like we are matching a certain sense of peace as well as curiosity and restlessness. And at some stage you may advance beyond or I may or we may vibrate at the same place. Who knows if we will be together.

best outcome is that we both grow as much as we possibly can. 

Starting a new chapter in My new life

As the new moon rises and we enter a new phase in the world and universe, it is also time for me to start a new phase. And sometimes sickness is the driver for the change you need within.

So this weekend is about resting, being good to myself, cleaning and clearing and getting ready for the sculpted vegan lifestyle program. All the while watching sahdguru and continuing with all that is good in my life.

And getting some motivation back at work too. I really need to start doing some good work. 

And now I am sick

Feel a bit of a cough and a cold and potential flu coming on. Kind of feels like I was asking for it as I have not been the healthiest self as of late.

How lucky I am that I can curl up in bed and have access to medicine and nice food in this instance. 

Today was a wonderful day

We finished work early and headed off to the Yarra to enjoy a sunny winter day and a bbq in a place most people would call paradise. With good friends as colleagues and laughter and sunshine and a backdrop so beautiful it takes your breath away. Sometimes Melbourne astounds me so much I feel like a tourist in my own city. I feel so lucky to call this place home.

And yes I was feeling a little sick and not so well but going was oh so worth it. To find beauty in the little things in life. 

On a career that goes in leaps and bounds

So this morning I met up with a director at a global firm. Chatting about next steps and if there is opportunities that may match.

The conclusion was that I would be suitable for a global deal lead role at this particularly successful multinational if the role were to come up. And I had the confidence to ask for exactly what I wanted and he saw that confidence in me to believe in me.

It was so natural meeting him. Reminiscing about the old days when he was my boss' boss. He hired me initially back 10 years ago.

And we have all now left but we are all doing so well.

Sometimes its about enjoying life and the opportunities that come your way when you are true to yourself, honest and genuinely trying to be a good person. 

With each day a little part of you disappears in my heart

And I realise that eventually with time there may not be a you and I. How feelings are so impermanent and fleeting. That we are just the thoughts and emotions getting carried away by the way you make me feel. That perhaps the connection was but a delusion.

And I continue to learn the life lessons.

The scariest of them all is that there may come a time where I do not have feelings for you. They will be long gone and potentially never to reemerge ever again.

The door of my heart is opening to whoever may want to enter. Lets let the universe decide.  For this love story may be coming to a beautiful ending. 

Chemistry and Sparks

So I had not seen you in a while and we were finally meeting for a coffee after a year or so. Last time I saw you, I was pretty depressed. This time I was feeling so happy and on top of my game.

So we hugged and kissed. That kiss on the cheek was firm but gentle and you casually laced your hand possessively around my waste drawing me ever so close to you. And as we walked there was the occasional touch as well as the shoulder graze.

The chemistry was definitely there.

I like another and we could probably never go anywhere. God knows we tried many years ago and got nowhere.

But sparks can grow and sparks can die. And who knows if you or him or someone completely new will become my significant other. Only time will tell. 

My time to grow

Sometimes I think the universe times things perfectly. Sure I met a guy I really want to be with but my life was never ready to accept him.

His absence is giving me time to find my life again. That happiness within myself. He ignited that love for life again and left so I could rebuild my life.

So its salsa dancing with a friend, dinner parties with others, a vegan lifestyle and new exercise routine and coffees with many more just reconnecting and enjoying that life.

Such that when the time is right for me to meet someone, they get one half of a couple that is complete and happy.

Doing what you love

So my companies not been doing well lately and as a result I haven't really been selling anything. Just helping out with execution while waiting for us to somehow come out at the other end - most likely with a new owner and another name.

I've been passing time and getting involved with various bits of interesting things but also getting a work life balance that I've never really had before. Enjoying the life part but pretty unproductive and bored at work regardless of whether I have things to do or not.

And then today my manager asked me to do a rare sales activity in preparation for some other things. I was the most productive ever and thoroughly enjoyed the day. It really made me realise that I am in the right role. I have found that thing I am passionate about. And when you have passion there is focus and productivity. It was a great piece of quality work too.

It's a nice affirmation.

Feeling something special for you still

I am genuinely happy for you. And I think you miss me too even though you are not saying it. Its a hard bond to walk away from but we both know that time will only tell and holding on is not the way of the universe. All we can do now is to be kind, caring, compassionate and supportive of each other and see if in the future in some way shape or form our paths will cross again.

And I have a great life. Dinner party last night with lovely ladies. Salsa dancing with another friend. Enjoying spending time with my mum. Then all these activities to do. Suddenly I have a new life that I love. Meditation is coming back. Spiritual growth and new beginnings are at bay.

A shift is already happening. Tomorrow is the start of a new year for me. And I am excited for what awaits. Whatever it may be. What a life!

What i mistook for something special

I was just walking around you.  Being the first guy in two years to be with me i needed your approval. And you came and you went and i tried letting you go only to find you came yoyoing back.

But what we had was not trust. The last day you were here before you left you had five minutes for me and 2 hours for some call center to save ten dollars. You made $400 that day. That was the amount i was not worth.

Maybe it was delusion for me to hold on to you. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise as its only that you are gone that i can see the flaws of what we have. You don't know me.

And perhaps we both used each other. For sure the spiritual growth was mutual. But the physical was lust and not much care. Maybe for both you and I.

The saddest part is that you have left my heart. It's what i wanted but its sad when you actually leave and i no longer want to be with you.

And its another relationship down. Goodbye to an amazing man. I hope our friendship will continue beyond love.

You are not perfect - just as i am not too

You are so public. The nudity isn't making me feel so comfortable in your latest video. Also i am not impressed at your use of social media at such a place. Not that i can talk at all. I just feel not right.

You are not the best looking guy either.

Is this a shift in my feelings?

I'm a private conversation type of girl. And until now i have been doing what you want. Maybe the reason what i want does not matter is the delusion in myself that you want to be with me. Its ok really.

With tears in my eyes i accept. But not with a bad thought. My tears are not for you. For not realising this sooner.

I think i am getting over you faster than i ever thought. Not sure what it is but it brings a tear to my eyes because i really thought i saw something in you and I. Something tonight makes me think it is wishful thinking.

But i wish you the most amazing spiritual journey ever.

Just that my time in your sidelines is over.  I hope we stay in touch and thankyou for being that person that i needed to meet to get y life back on track.

Thank you thank you.

Feeling a deep sense of unrest for the world i live in

I feel a shift is happening. I am living in luxury and an almost heaven, yet i waste so much time.

In a talk last night a monk said if you are going to do something, give it all you have got. And i am just not doing that.

I really need to get back into my meditation to get the peaceful feeling back. I feel better than i have as a younger self. Yet In my current more enlightened state i feel its time for a deeper change.

The passion for work has gone but that could be due to the situation of the business not doing well and me not having much to do. But i am enjoying a work life balance for the first time ever. Its nice in a lot of ways to pursue all these extra spiritual activities, reconnect with family and friends and even take up salsa dancing.

It's also time to say goodbye to the man who was never mine to begin with. Perhaps i have learnt all the lessons from him already. So so many that i have learnt. He has enriched my life and I, his. Sharing his knowledge of Yoga and Vendanta and i was able to let him into my world of buddhist mediation. I also got so much more from him. Appreciation for being connected with all in the world and treating everyone with kindness and compassion. To be friends with everyone.

That sounds really bad but my world was filled with the same type of successful people before him. Expanding this has brought such enrichment.

And i am sure my patience and way of approaching life has taught him things.

But our time has come to an end. Where we are holding each other back by holding on. At least i am. He is deep in meditation and will most likely find the spaciousness to let go.

I have a meditation retreat this saturday. I am really looking forward to that for some inner peace.The thing i crave the most these days. Even more that this man.

How life has changed. And all for the better.

New Beginings

So i let myself get lost for a week to indulge in missing him and let my life slide a bit. Sometimes you just need to do that.

But now its time for a new beginning and getting back into all these good and beautiful.

Here's what i am letting back into my life:

1. Meditation
2. Yoga
3. See my mum more
4. Keeping the place clean and tidy
5. healthy eating
6. Back into the gym regularly
7. Salsa dancing
8. Setting up my website
9. Getting that insurance and starting to teach
10. Charity work
11. More workshops
12. Dinner parties for Yogis
13. Forgive and forget and rebuild some old friendhsips


The next six months will be a life changer. 

Tonight you are all i want but time will change that

Baby - you are all i can think about.  I miss you but in awe of what you are doing.

I know its early days and i will slowly forget. Time has a way of making memories fade.

I will eventually say goodbye and fine another. A year is a long time no matter what fibs we give to ourselves.

Lets enjoy this moment while we still have it.  And look back with a smile when its gone and we both end up living different lives.

Thankyou for being part of my life. You have enriched it in more ways than you could ever know so thank you. I hope i have done the same for you.

Maybe it will just be us together

Perhaps i could wait a year. He is such a lovely soul. And we help each other grow. And support each other. I feel there is a connection here than can last. One that does not expect or cling or attach. One that lets go but i have a world of respect for him.

I want to grow and learn with him in this spiritual journey and maybe oneday if our paths cross, we could be together. 

Tonight just feels happy and peaceful

I'm doing the refugee challenge and i so appreciate the life i have. I miss a man but grateful to have a great experience.

I have everything i need right now to be peaceful and content. And sometimes its just not knowing that which gives you the grief.

Amazing cht with mum where i really learnt where the grief comes from.

Grateful for the life i have and happiness

I wish i could cry

But the tears don't come. I miss you. that you are not here. But i get why its better than way.

Your amazing and special.

I hope our paths will cross again. In this lifetime hopefully. But then maybe in another. But i can see myself being happy for a lifetime with you. Your touch, your hugs, your generosity and your amazing amazing ability to make the world a better place.

You are my everything. and i miss you.

on crying my tears of joyness and sadness

 Maybe we have said goodbye a thousand or a hundread thousand or a million times. The first night you held me tight in your arms - i felt like i had reconnected with you. This feeling is not from this lifetime.

And as i say goodbye to you again. We will meet again - maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another. But the spiritual lesson we both must learn is to let go and not attach to each other. That will be when real growth occurs.

We both get this. But the attraction is still strong. Still gentle. Still working.

I will miss you. Bt i won't hold on for that is better for you and me in both our respective spiritual journeys.

Fly safe my friend, my teacher, my lover, my dad, my mother - for most likely you have played all these roles for us to feel so close. 

Wow what a journey

And tonight he leaves but what a spiritual journey of growth i have been on. Genuinely at peace albeit a little sad and leaving on a great relationship. A heartfelt hug and gentle kiss.

I've learnt so much about peace and relationships and the beauty of life and generosity and having a partner where you can learn from each other. But also how to let go and just be so happy for someone.

Both our paths will diverge and the full moon tonight is oh so representative of what we have gained and what we are leaving behind.

He flied off on his spiritual journey. I i start a new chapter in my own spiritual journey right here in my own house.

Its funny how i actually met his mum and dad and niece for the first time tonight. And how lovely they are and a family i could be a part of.

His parting words to me : Maybe our paths will cross again.

So universe who knows. I am letting go truly in my head and heart. With a little tear to shed but genuine happiness and awe for the path he is taking.

Any other time in my life this would have been oh so different. We taught each other to be better people.  And i thank him for being part of my life and making such a significant impact even if just for a short time.

I love you as i love every other human and non human on this planet. May you meet with your peace and happiness and joy and make a difference in this world. 

Meeting a man that could be mr right or wrong

Thats right. I've met someone i really like. Time i spend with him is amazing. His hugs and kisses and cuddles are amazing. Our conversations are great but sometimes silence but not always the awkward type.

But he is leaving for a year in a few months.

He also does not call me every night. Its just some past partners have done so. He has a busy life.

But one of the most peaceful i have known.

I miss that i am with him one night and do not hear from him the other.

While i like him a lot. A real lot. I can't help remember back to days when boys would call each day and there would be super highs and super lows. But i also just miss having that call each day. Is that my test of a relationship?

But then he will be gone to another country for a year in another month? He can't give me that commitment.

Lets see but i was so grateful to be with a man after 2 years but now i feel even more anxious!

Thats life. Craving is suffering right. Maybe he is not calling because he has discovered a true way forward and i can just learn from him on being there but not attaching.

But i do miss the passion that came from S & M. Just those too actually. The others I never felt real passion with. More than anything i miss S. Thats first love is something you can never forget. Long gone but maybe we will meet again.

But then last night as this new guy held me, i felt our souls connected. That we had slept side by slde many lifetimes ago. It could not be the first time.

But who really knows right.

Either way a little phone call to say hello would have been nice from him. 

Its been a while

Years really since i have sat down to write here properly.

It's been a wierd week. My company declared itself fit for insolvency with self administration. Life has been interesting on the brink of it all coming down but also that tight knit feeling that you are with family in your collegues.

I stayed up all night after i saw that.

Then i got a kitten and then swapped it for a cat with the rescue and the cat is still living at my place. It's lovely to have company.

And then i went on a date. Thats right. First date in maybe two years. Well not first but the first that wasn't a dud. That ended in a kiss and a date the next day which lasted well into the morning the next day and brunch.

He's a nice guy thats a bit of a bad boy. I think. One in search of his spirituality but at the same time has this other really rough or spunky side to him. It was a fun two nights. I feel much calmer than i used to be when i was younger but also a little bit trying to stay placid about it all and not get too excited.

He's on a spiritual journey which could really only be taken by oneself.

But lets see where it takes us. Lets just be happy in the moment.

It's funny I'm so used to being by myself here but tonight i feel a little lonely. Part of me wishes he would call to say good night. That it would be one of daily phone calls. Bit then he is off for good for a year and getting attached may not be the best thing in the world.

While i am happy i am scared as well.

Life back on track and feeling amazing

Somewhere along the way i experienced my first tragedy and i really did loose my way for a couple of years. Physically, mentally and socially. It really effected me. In some ways i was lucky to reach 35 without really experiencing something so bad. And then it happened and i was lost.

So two years later from the depths of despair i feel great again. I am exercising, i am meditating, i am eating healthy, i have a great relationship with my mum and i am kicking goals at work. Finances seem to be in order and more importantly i am really enjoying living life and appreciating each moment.

Sure i am a little overweight right now but i am well on my way to recovery.

So stay turned folks.

Somewhere along the way my perfect life disapeared

Its one of the lowest points in my life that i have ever felt. I don't know what to do. 

That perfect life

If i really think about it, my complaints are unfounded. To have the best education in the world, parents and family that care so deeply and are integral to my life, friendships that span decades, a career whose only downside is needing more challenge and a boy that wants to marry me, have kids and buy our dream home together,

Yes the bad times are abound. But i don't know what harsh times are really about.

Life is easy and lucky really. Living in the worlds most livable city, earning in the 90th percentile of this city with a life full of family, love and friendships. What more can a person really ask for?

on flying away

There is a job in london i want to apply for. Or others in silicon valley.

It might be goodbye to you.

How do i break it slowly. My insticts say no to you. We are not going to have a family together without drastic changes in who you are.

Amd i cam't change you. Your looking for a women that is not me. I am not good at cooking and cleaning and i don't mind. I judge myself on other things.

So goodbye, perhaps? maybe?

Thank you for the smiles and the good times and i'm sorry for wasting your time, 

craving for another life

Is it time to just run away.
Drop it all. Get a good job. Be alone in the world? Do i really need anyone else?
I've lost that hope.

sometimes relationships are harder than being in a relationship

And how i crave for that simple guy back. where it was me and him and noone else

Modern life is complicated. i woldn't mind back in the day. You and your husband was all that mattered. Relationships stoff strong and private.  don't like this world of convenience and whatever goes.

My first instict with this one was to let it go. Keep it go as friends. he was never meant to work.

But we did.

How to figure out that right decision. How to avoid making a big mistake.

Am i able to say goodbye?

Should i try?

Obsessed with facebook

He's always on social media. Posting his pictures and making his life look so great. And i guess it is a great life. But there is something about it all that i feel so uncomfortable about. This isn't that fairytale i dreamed of. Do i want someone a little more private. Ive had extremes of men all my life.

This type of recognition and need for boasting is something new. So is the distance and having his way. Do i just call it quits now. Last few months have been going down hill. This could be my time to start afresh. Start anew. Practice letting go of what i do not want. Not so be needy to jump into something new so soon. Be content with life as it is.

Oh i don't know. To hold on or to let go. But all i know is that old anxiety is disapearing and the idea of disapearing is seeming more confy each day.

At Airley when i had lost it all and didn't know anyone, i survived. That means everything. Its was an experience i thank you for putting me through. Knowing that you are not the guy to be there always and forever.

That you could disapear at any moment.

So whats a good time worth?

At a crossroads

I am content in life.

But also at a crossroads. I feel calmer. All that anxiety gone. I've been seeing a psychologist that is really helping me understand myself better, where my fears come from and how to be content in life and to accept myself and find that peace and calm in life i crave.

At the same time i am thinking that i have outgrown my boy. His immature ways. Learning to accept myself but also stand up for myself.

I also crave to fly away. Maybe to another land. Start a new adventure. A new life. I have savings once more. My investments seem to manage themselves.  Works is a bit quiet albeit i get paid well.

I sometimes think if the time i spend having fun is less that the hard moments, its time to let go. But also, i have held on too tight to many a man. Is this my practice for learning to let go. To learn a new life skill. One that my sister is so good with.

I know i will meet many a man in the future. If i can't truly see myself having a kid with him, if i just don't feel quite right about it, do i just need to trust my instinct.

From day one i liked him as a friend. But i let it get to something more because we were the best of friends. They say friendships are the best to progress to something more. In this case i'm not so sure.

We are so messy. But then so is life.

That fairytale you have of the man of your dreams when your just a kid is long gone. Reality hits and life goes on.

Sometimes it feels so helpless. Having everything in life but nothing. I crave to feel passion.

A little older, a little wiser, a little happier

Life is a journey and recently i've been content.

Content at my sub perfect life as i have realised, things are good most of the times but ups and downs are a natural part of life.

He represents a life of infinite conversations. Its hard to find that person you click with. That understands your jokes and makes you laugh. And i don't give him enough credit.

He didn't let go of me that easily. He was a gentleman. He came bouncing back after some space. He is generous and treats me well. Helps me. Checks on me. Holds me.

Some days and some times its not so good. But then i'm not the best at communicating either.