A force to be reckoned with

You and me. We could be powerful together. You know it. I know it. Why fight it?

I love you. I always have. Do you not remember that we have spent lifetimes together? Thats why it feels so comfortable.

Remember when you woke up that morning and you lay your head on my breasts and let yourself sink into the safety of my arms and i held you so tenderly? That was beautiful for a moment. You felt it too and then you freaked out and it all changed and you established your manhood and held me in your arms. That was beautiful in its own way but i know for a moment you felt safe with me.

And i know that you know that while you freaked out this time, you will feel that way in this lifetime one more. I know that you know that this is it. I am meant for you and you are meant for you.

Baby i love you. Our souls and our bodies remember times and lifetimes gone by. Its you and me babe. I love you.

You realise this already. I can't wait for you to admit it to me.

As i said, Babe i love you. I could make you my world if you wanted me to.

Thankyou to the David's and M's of the world

Despite the mess of this situation i still have a good feeling about it all. Deep down if i had to admit it to myself, its not game over, this is the guy i have been with for eternity and i look forward to another lifetime together.

But its every other relationship that will make it work. David and M and all the other men, i learnt so much about what does not work. To my career for the life lessons in emotional intelligence and being more self aware. I owe you the world for being able to face the world with clarity and sensibility.

Everything i have done this time around has been a lesson learnt in life experience.

I love this guy. He loves me too. I know it. He knows it. In time we will make it work.

The moments gone

You call as if it was nothing. No apology, no nothing. You've just been busy. You have some guts.

I didn't know what to say so I let you lead the conversation. I let you talk about your life and ask me about mine. I told you how fabulous i have been and continue to be. We left it at that.

Reality is that the moments gone. Your too young. Your too immature. Your not ready for this. Your not completely into me.

I've lulled you into a false sense of security when my heart has looked the other way.

Game Over

He never turned up to my birthday, didn't call, not even an sms. One day on still nothing.

He's a clever enough boy to know that its Game over.

I can take a hint. You are just not that into me.

I never really got to know who you were but goodbye anyway.

I love airports

And this is not the words of someone ever green to flying. I travel a lot. All the time. I'm at the airport almost weekly, sometimes twice or thrice even.

My world is that of limosines, cabs, airport check-ins, business lounges, five star hotels, two hat restaurants, pitches in the boardrooms of the corporate world overlooking national icons, 24/7 conference calls and most of all that rush of a feeling that i am making the world spin.

I'm super organised. My have packing light down to an art. Within ten minutes i have it all, everything needed to make me beautiful, three pairs of shoes to make any occassion, bikini for a hotel swim, a little black dress just in case and that all important power suit with nothing less than a cufflink shirt.

I breeze through priority checkins, sweep past security, every now and then buy a book and listen to some tunes. The airport is my meeting place. Business meetings, bumping into casual acquaintances, long lost friends and the occasional man that catches my eye. Its a buzz of activity and i love watching the world move on, the hustle and bustle of people going from somewhere to somewhere.

To me it does not matter where i go or where i come from. Its the journey of going some place that matters

Each time i'm there i feel free. Free that i am heading off somewhere or coming back. Free that i am all alone. Free that for a few hours there will be just me, no communication, no mobile, no one can get in touch.

Its my time to myself amoungst strangers i can befriend or block out from my world with some tunes. Its that feeling of comfort as we soar through the air, hang out in the clouds, eat, drink and have a moment to oneself.

I don't do half way

And thats what you are.

Fuck you. Fuck off.

Perhaps my pride is worth more than you

In reality i love you, i think we have magic together and i think we have known each other in a lifetime. I think we have lived lifetimes together. I ache to be close to you.

Then reality hits and thats it. You have not proven your worth. I will throw you away. My pride rules my world.

I hate you for the hours of anguish you have caused. I did not need you in my life.

Once again i hate you. I do not need you in my life.

I hate you!!!!

Tonight you made me cry

The reality is that you ignored me at your party and for the past two weeks. I don't exist in your world.

And now there is a girl on your arm and your friends think your having fun with her. The thing is that regardless of it being true or false, i feel hurt and ignore. I have tears in my eyes for a guy that just doesn't seem to care.

Your world shows nothing of me. I don't exist.

It makes me cry.

Perhaps i never felt for the real you. Perhaps i should just walk away. Perhaps its time to say goodbye.

The power of a best friend

So when he does wrong by you, makes the tears flow, sets expectations way too high and shreds your hopes and dreams to pieces, she is there by my side, making me laugh, listening and caring.

I call her instead of him because she cares and he doesn't.

I tell her all about him because she cares and he doesn't.

But at the same time its all fun and games. Our lives intertwined. I love having a best friend again. One to share everything with. Open, honestly and everything.

The man that came between us is not worth it for the friendship that we have.

Off Off and Away

I love this feeling.

Does not matter where i am going as long as its somewhere.

I love flying away. I feel so free.

Goodbye my life for but a day. I will be back refreshed and ready to soar.

A measly text

A call would have been nice

So with two hours to spare on midnight I get a happy birthday note. It’s completely obligatory and nothing more. A call would have been nice you know? How are you, I’m thinking of you?

The thing is I barely know you. Its coming through right now.

And the other thing is I have wonderful friends. Friends that are in their own right making my life full and beautiful. You’re not filling a gap as there are no gaps in my life.

Yes we have something together. I think we get along incredibly. I’m not walking away completely as I can see us working out. But for now I don’t know about you.

Your murky. This is murky. Something is going on.

I'm leaving now. Thankyou. Goodbye

My Birthday 1:15 PM

He came across as a knight in shining armor. A prince who has finally found his princess. He wooed her with all that he had, denying her nothing less than perfection.

He called, he took her out, he opened doors, he graced her with beautiful flowers, he called her, made plans for the future and welcomed her with open arms into his life. She slowly started to put her trust in a man that seemed like he had his act together. A man that came across as a nice guy with the perfect amount of ambition, drive and excitement.

And then he changed back into a frog. She was no longer his prize. He stopped calling, he started putting her on bare minimum effort, hoping to keep her on the side just in case he changed his mind.  He no longer made time for, he no longer felt the need to be the man he pretended to be. He became someone else, the real him.

And she did not do anything. The man she met was changing but by the wisdom of her past and the wisdom of fairytale romances that only resulted in nights of tears and torture, she waited on the sidelines. One step in, one step out, her heart was still shielded and she protected her heart unlike any other time before. She didn’t push or pull as she would have in the past. She just let it be.

And now he is losing his glimmer. He is another man. She did not fall for him. She no longer wants to see him.

Her prince turned back into a frog and she is throwing him back to the sea.

My Birthday 1:23 PM

Its my birthday and he has upset me for not taking the initiative to call. This is the ultimate deal breaker. If he does not call today that is it. No more.

Throw him out. He is already out. But perhaps he will not get another chance ever.

His true colors are showing through.

My Birthday 2:12 PM

Now I hate him. I feel like never speaking to him ever again.

Its good I am talking to the wind. Conversations such as these can end in disaster. I am not as strong as I think I am. I crave to be loved and I crave for his attention.

In the absence of it I act aloof like I don’t care. Deep down it hurts.

He is a jerk. To show one side and be really another. What is these games he is playing?

My Birthday 2:53 PM

I’m feeling quite crummy today and its all your fault.

Why go for something if you are not into it? Your not even like the others. There is not dashing prince fairytale about you.

I did not fall for you immediately. You were a nobody with a clever job and able to climb mountains. I did not think much of your looks. Your not even my type. You are not a Malcolm or David of the world.

Yet I gave you a chance and you used your charms and pulled out all tricks to get me to fall for you. But now your different, you took all that back. Some parts I still like you but the personality which shone through and I fell for has disappeared.

I’m leaving now. Thankyou, goodbye.

Feeling a little better

Clearing the head. Seeing the positive spin in the world.

Lets not call it game over until it really is. No need to start a rebound process before the event has happened. Yes i feel crap but if i were to think why, its because i have been in similar situations with other men and its gone face up and i've stumbled and crashed and burned.

But thats where this feeling comes from. That he will do the same.

In all reality i was out with him on friday night, met his sister and all his friends on saturday night, he stayed over or i stayed over and he has not run away. He is still so sweet and holds me ever so gently in his arms. Perhaps he just wants to take his time through all this. Perhaps he is not a morning person. He is not running away. He is enquiring more and more about my life.

He is busy with work, thats the nature of what he does.  Its been many weeks and we have a rhythm forming. His flowers are still blooming. We are having magnificent conversations. His friends are trying to tell me he's a great person and accepting me with open arms as is his sister.

Yes there are moments that don't quite work. Why did he not introduce me to anyone. Why did he not admit who i was. Why am i being demoted to a friend?

The thing is i really like him. We have something together. We just need to keep that spark going. I just need to keep trying because while i don't feel right its because of experiences with other men. And he is no other man, he is different, has his act together and deep down i trust that he is a good person.

I think i'm losing him

Its that feeling at the pit of your stomach where you know things are not quite right. I don't think he see's me in that light. I don't think he's attracted to me any longer.

Sometimes a switch turns off in a person's head and there is not much one can do about it.

Other times in life i have frantically tried to salvage these moments and failed spectacularly. The thing is if he were into me i would know it. He would be at my doorstep wanted to rip my clothes off by now. The thing is he is not and any excuse i make is just that, an excuse.

The only thing i can do is to do nothing. Sometimes when things go south its just better to do nothing. Build up some value.  Be fabulous.

I still feel crummy.

Wallowing in self pity

Sometimes that is all you need to do. Just drop the high moral ground and wallow in self pity and hatred towards the world. Share it with a friend and take them off that high road and let them wallow too.

And sometimes it feels great. Because your usually always optimistic and the world is full of moments that take your breath away. But sometimes its ok to just say that you don't have it together and take that pressure off and breath a sigh of release.

Let it out that you hate him and that you may never speak to him ever again, let that thought contemplate and simmer and marinate. Fly away in your mind and share it with a friend and blow away all that steam. He'll never know.

Todays been great. It was great to wallow away and give myself a break for a change. And then pumping some iron and a run along the beach with my best friend, giving it all we've got and looking fabulous as walkers by checked us out, sweat and all.  Then its the chats and the conversations about being successful and happy and analyzing the men to death in that really safe environment made of only the best of friends.

Dreaming up destinations, life plans, collecting lessons learnt, what not to do, the book of scrapped ideas and guides on how to do it.

Sometimes you just need to let go to get it all back again.

On having a bestie

For the first time in my life i have a best friend that i can count on, call whenever and share the high's and low's of life with. It helps face those moments in life when alone you think through impossible scenario's in your head and push and pull your life in multiple directions thinking you can move mountains.

Sometimes the best you can do to help a blossoming spark is not to call him. So i email her twenty times a day, i call her ten times a day, i tell her every thought i have. I tell her that i miss him, that i feel hurt by him, that i think he is incredible and sweet. I don't tell him.

She keeps me sane!

That anxious feeling

Is it worth it? The good times are great, exhilarating and full of laughter.  But then the lows are anxiety in motion. This isn't what fairytales are made of.

So i'm thinking is it worth it? You know when a guys into you. He's at your beck and call. Is it time to retreat.

Cut my losses here and now.

I miss him

If i were to be completely honest he isn't loosing any glimmer. I am becoming more in love and more infatuated with him by the moment.

The real truth is i'm scared of getting hurt. I want to pour my heart out and cry but i know i can't. I crave for him so much that it hurts. And yes i'll find consolation elsewhere but it doesn't compare to how i feel when i wake up in his arms.

I'm falling in love with a man and its lovely and its terrifying at the same time.

Did i fall for somebody else?

Sometimes you meet men that seem too good to be true. Things just work without any drama. He takes you to two hat restaurants, opens doors, buys you flowers, calls and texts and can't get you out of his head.  He's making plans for the future and your joining him in all that you do and insisting he pay despite your multiple offers.  You think he's a keeper. You feel special. You smile.

And then all of a sudden nothing. You start thinking do i need to let him know i like him too. Why did he say he will call and didn't. And you make your move and he disapears even further. All those plans, all those moments, all of a sudden he's not so sure, he retreats into his own world.

And your out. And sometimes you can turn it around by ignoring him. Having a fabulous life. Hiding that he hurt you so that you can give him space.

And then there he is again, wanting to be your everything.  Little by little the strings are coming undone. He's not as classy as he made himself out to be, he's not as mature and astute. In fact he was merely trying to impress you in those first few moments until he had you.

And now its this rollercoaster if drama. The things i fell for, those sms's and sweet words telling me how much he enjoyed seeing me. I miss not having to worry about wheather or not he would keep his word.

Did i fall for someone else? Someone he pretended to be?

Is he loosing his glimmer?

Sometimes i ache to hear from him

I only saw him two days ago. We had a fantastic time. We connected. We laughed, we shared. He walked me to where i needed to go and kissed and hugged me goodbye. He said he would give me a call.

Its the first of an eternity of moments. Its the first few moments of anticipation.  My heart wants to hear from him. My heart wants to know that he is thinking of me. That he is missing me. That i make him smile. That i am special.

But in this world we live in we wait for the men to call for their get scared and run away if we are too into them. I am seeing him over the weekend. Till then i will wait on the sidelines.

My attention turned to another man i can call. Another man who will satisfy those yearnings inside. Another man who will keep me sane and keep me from calling the one i want.

So many times i thought this was all a game, that we were beyond this. But one too many times i have initiated and poured my heart out for a man to run even further. I know what i need to give him is space. Space to miss me, space to wonder what i am upto.

Its another man and I while we play these games to make it all work.

A place for a booty call amidst new beginnings

Sometimes things are going along swimmingly and you don't want to stuff things up. New relationships, new beginnings, it seems needs time to simmer and marinate before they turn into loyal, endearing, passionate relationships.

So all that nervous energy, all that temptation to speak to him, all that desire and fairy tales which form and live out their own lives in your head. How do you stop that from ruining these new beginnings, scaring your man away. How do you stop yourself from jumping him at the very first moment you get a chance before your truly ready to sleep with him in a way that lovers do.

He sweeps me off my feet one second and runs away another. I know its about letting it all marinate and take its time.

Sometimes turning to another man, no strings attached is but the only answer. Its that validation in yourself, its that confidence, its that feeling where you want nothing more than sex and you call him on your terms.

Until the man of your dreams corners you into a corner to have that exclusive chat, anything goes. He has my heart from a distance but he needs to let me know if he wants the whole package.

From the markets to hail storms to the Hilton in another city

Its been one of those days.

But lately those quirky odd moments seem more normal than not.

Waking up to the sun shining, putting on some tunes i think about what to do with my day.  Its 11 AM and after a nice sleep in i call my friend, who is also just stirring. We make plans to meet and head to the sunday market in forty five.  I catch a snippet of time in between a shower and another load of laundry to book a flight and hotel to Sydney.

I love wondering aorund the sunday markets. Ours is one of those trendy ones, where everyone looks so casual chic, the apples a perfect circle, full of color, full of life and culture. We catch a skinny latte and some french pastry over a nice long lazy chat.

Then its time to get down to business. I have exactly three hours to get my laptop, pack my bags and head to the airport for the 6 O'clock/

One foot in front of the other

To say i have an exciting life would be an understatement.  That exhilerating feeling that somehow i am making the world spin come in waves more often than not.

When do you speak to me? Today, yesterday, tomorrow, last year, next week?

You will get a different story, a different set of adventures, a different man, a different plan to take over the world.  I'm surrounded by lovely friends, a loving family, an abundance of admirers, a rich and fullfilling love life (albeit with its rollercoaster style ups and downs but it makes it all the more exciting). Life is a plethora of smiles and the occasional tear which all works together.

One day we are traversing the world, one cloud at a time, one mountain at a time, one hug at a time, one smile at a time. One kind look, one gentle gaze, one kind deed after another.

Life is about the moments that take our breath away and there are definitely plenty of those right now.

If only you could speak the truth

Sometimes all you want is acknowledgement, that you matter, that someone else cares and that without you, perhaps someone elses life would not go on.

I miss being important, feeling important.

Or is this growing up? Realising that no one is important?

It half past midnight and i feel down. I know i can't speak to any of my friends about it, i am all alone. Nothing wrong with that, just how life is. Perhaps i will never meet somebody.

Tears streaming down.

I miss all of him and every him that ever was and every him that will ever be......

Disapointed

Today while i was far above the clouds i started to question a few things. Then i started realising a few things too.

That you didn't want to see me over the weekend.
That you preferred to hang with your friends over me.
That you preferred not to ask me to come out hiking even though you knew i would enjoy it.
That you said you'd call but that you never did.
That you did not want to see me.
That you acted out of character to woo me and then threw away my heart when you realised you had it.

Then i realised that i don't really know you. That you are not who you made yourself out to be. You tried to be someone else. And i fell for that someone else.

I got hurt. I feel like crying. I got carried away. I never trusted you, that takes time but oh how i did try to give you the benefit of the doubt.

And now your loosing your touch. Your loosing that feeling of excitement. Your undoing that feeling.

Perhaps i have not known you before. Perhaps it was not you and i in Pompei. Perhaps you are young and immature. Perhaps you are not as amazing as you pretended to be.

Perhaps you are just another man, no more significant, no less special.

One last play

I have this feeling that if this were to work out that it would be it. I've met someone that really tugs on those heart strings, that my instincts are telling me is a good person and has all the right qualities and characteristics. The blemishes are coming through but it is making it all the more endearing and realistic.

He wants to be friends for a little while. He's a little freaked out.

Is this my chance for one last play. There are many a man to fool around with. It may be the last time.

He is the one that pushed me away just a tiny little bit. Surely if he wants me to himself he would make it clear. Corner me with a talk or something along those lines.

So its one last play for me.  Its like all of life has been a dress rehersal for this one moment. And this will be my last rehersal.

Opening night is coming soon.

Life above the clouds

On that rare sunny day while soaring far above the clouds with a nice tune in my ear i can't but smile at how beautiful it all is. The peach, the vastness, the emptiness and the possibilities. I close my eyes, i smile, i can barely contain it. This feeling of immense happiness to be there in that moment, above the clouds, going from somewhere to somewhere. I can hardly describe it.

While others hate the hassle of flying, the anonymity of an airport. I love it. I feel at home. I love the rush. I love living my life, watching others, the significance of leaving and coming home.

I feel as if it were where i belong,

I've been doing this for almost ten years and i don't think my feelings will ever change. I love that not a week goes by that i don't hop on a plane and head off somewhere, anywhere. I love feeling like the world is my oyster.  I love coming home to family, friends and a stable life.

Sometimes you realise that you have it all sorted.

The best conversation in the history of the world

Sometimes when it all starts going down the drain its tempting to say or do something to keep digging, creating an eclipse of a hole where you will never ever scramble out.

Now today i had the best conversation in the history of the world. In fact there is probably no one in the world that has ever done a turn around so great.

I listened to him, i didn't get emotional, i pretended i didn't even realize something was wrong and that all i wanted was friends. It was non threatening, highly civilized and he walked away with a sense of security.

So he had lots of kudos in the jar, plenty in that bank account of dreams and bonus points. With that one comment he made a withdrawal but he didn't close the account. I increased my value by being fabulous, by being busy, by having a fabulous time without him. He's putting his deposit's back in but at a high interest rate. 

As i said, the best conversation in the history of the world. I deserve a medal for this turn around.

Dear Gorgeous Flowers that know no better

You were handed over with the best of intentions, only the best ever for you with promises of friendship and love to come. You bloom away, unbeknown to the goings on of the world, lasting weeks, potentially months.

Yet your giver, the messenger of that initial whisper of sweet words has changed his mind. He no longer feels the same. Yet your blooming away in that vase at the epicentre of my apartment. How do you not know any better, that it hurts that you have outlived this mere romance. Are you meant to wilt away with the momento of his words. Do you see my tears?

I can hide but not forever. He has hurt me. I have done nothing.

I got dropped

So i got that dreaded call today. He's not quite sure about anything, not quiet ready, looking for an out. All that perfection, once more in my mind. It was no secret find, it was no twin flame, it was pure excitement and lust.

I fell for his charms and now i sit here and cry. Though not as bad as it would have once been. For i have friends and i have a good head on my shoulders these days.

He's just not that into me and it hurts.

Back on track

Its that delicate balance in the first stages of courting, every word, every gesture.

Yet we have formed a rhythm amoungst ourselves, a silent understanding that we are together.

I really like him.

Kind of feeling nervous

The worst part of dating is those moments of insecurity that you fall into. Its starts off so well and he's so into you, filling your every moment, reminding you that he's keen on you and always on his mind.

Its not like he's said otherwsie. I think this is me misintepreting experiences i have had in my life. I have in front of me a man that adores me. I just need to be patient that's all.

The thing is i hate this feeling. But in hindsite i think its more feelings i don't understand. Feelings i have not walked through. Sure in the past i have been let down but thats not a reflection of now, not a reflection of this man.

I'm sure he likes me, i'm sure he's crazy about me, i'm sure he will call.

Overwhelmed

Life was breezy and on a rollercoaster for a few days but sometimes i need a reality test.

Work is full on pressures and i have a tendency to look at the world through rose coloured glasses. So here i am awake through midnight thinking that preparation in hindsite may have helped.

Perhaps it wasn't about work or him but tonight i have one of those feelings that the world is not right. I'm comparing and making it all destructive. I have too much work to do and too much stress.  I feel a mess.

The glass of wine didn't help. The fact that i have not been sleeping does not help. I'm not sure whats wrong today.

I'll tell you tomorrow.

The other half of myself

Sometimes it seems like i am staring into the other half of myself. The spark, the chemistry, the kindness. Its unbelievable.

This is unlike anything i have felt before.

Fierce loyalty, unconditional feelings and that feeling of peace, knowing all is well in this universe of ours.

Together we complete each other.

Elusive search for that perfect man

Its was a random friday night and i was out just going through the motions, feeling slightly over it and not entirely content with the state of friendships around me. Bar hopping and eventually ending up there, spotting an old friend and striking up a conversation with his friend.

I whispered no as my friend asked me if i needed rescuing. I was having an interesting conversation, i couldn't be bothered dancing and there was a stool i could sit on. I was happy to have my chat and sip my drink.

Eventually deciding to head home i grab my friends and say goodbye. He catches me by surprise as he asks for my number. I give him what i think is the correct one and hope i didn't muck it up in between changing phones so many times. And if i did, what a nice guy but i guess i thought life would go on.

Still when he messaged with the promise of a dinner i still did not think through much. I fitted him in three weeks later for a date amongst my busy schedule.

And then it all happened. Three weeks later he had worked it all out and swept me off my feet. Its amazing how life brings forth the moment unexpected moments. He was right in front of me and as i got to know him he becomes more delicious.

I think of him all the time.

We are still in that madness of dating, of savoring moments, of knowing and not knowing. This time though i think it will work.

Its makes me think however, i never realized from first impressions who he could be? If it were not for the mutual friend i may never have spoken to him.

How many people do we overlook, underestimate in our search for that perfect man?

This is how you do it

Its how i felt as a i swooped by those girls in skimpy cloths, cheap hair dye stuck in the rain as i got into the comfort of a friends car that had arrived at the door. Or perhaps its that feeling as we cab it from the Hilton to the Marriot and wine ad dine on the waterfront. Then there's that date you meet that sweeps you off your feet, opens doors and takes you to the trendiest spot in time. Its that dress you wore that fits your curves perfectly with the right amount of class and glamour that does but turn many a head. And then there's that jog in the park where you meet your boy looking like your fresh out of a sport magazine ready to run a marathon. Its the time you spend in the air, breezing through limousine pick-ups, airport lounges and business class luxury. Then there's that career which just moves upwards and forwards where you climb the ladder barely touching the rungs.

Yes i've made it. This is how you do it.

A moment to hold on forever

So i think this time i've finally found the man. That deep connection, that feeling deep inside, that intuitive feeling where all is aligning. I stare into the world an it stares back.

Its a delicious feeling. I smile and dance around the room. You know when you meet a man that you know you can be intensely loyal with, that you know you can admire and respect, that in your heart of hearts with your intuition know is a good man.

Part of me is scared. But part of me is happy.

I'm ready for this. My ducks are all in a row - its time for me to shine.

First Impressions

Polished, Confident, trustworthy, debonair, exciting

Ticking all the right boxes - that happy feeling

So i went on a date last night and it went like a breeze. We had so much in common, so much to talk about, exactly on the same wavelength. Its not often you get in that cab to go home and you have this big bright smile on your face as a giveaway and you keep smiling.

And its perfect in a this could so work perfect way. Its not the exciting but crazily on the edge drama and excitement that is limited to moment on tropical islands. Its the perfect where you have that Jigsaw and the pieces start fitting.

Life is beautiful - just checking into let the world know.

An uncomfortable best friend

So i have this friend, we hang out all the time and not a day goes by that i don't speak to her. In so many ways we get along, the ultimate best friend every girl needs.

But then there's this part of her that flirts with every guy she meets and then she wonders why she ends up in all these situations. She even came onto my ex. We get along in so many ways except for this one area - men.

And its one of those feelings that come deep from my gut saying "danger, danger, go back wrong way" that comes everytime i'm with her and my ex or any other man.
f
She's embedded into my friendship circle so i can't go back. And more so i enjoy her company in so many ways but one. But that one is really about integrity and values, its to do with something so crucial about the way we are and who we are.

Can i turn a blind eye on this one?

Too much challenge or is it worth it?

Its one of those fight or flight moments where i have this overwhelming craving for the former but usually end up in the latter.

Sometime i think i challenge myself too much. I read those silly quotes on courage and read inspirational biographies about reaching beyond the stars and commit to things where i have to step out of my comfort zones.  Then moments before i always freak out, wondering if it will all fail in a miserable heap.  I felt like this moments before i jumped out of a plane, at 2AM while hiking up the himalayas at 4000 feet when i could barely breath, that time i agreed to build an ammonia plant for a nickel mine because i wasn't feeling sufficiently challenged with what i was doing and that other time when i agreed to take the lead for a 20 million dollar pitch.  I could go on forever.

The thing is everything has always worked out. And even when they hadn't i learnt a massive lesson and was given nothing but kudos as what i did achieve was still beyond sitting around doing nothing.

So deep down i know i won't fail. I know that as soon as i start speaking in front of those 70 people at the conference that i'll be in my element and the words will just flow out. I know that i've had sufficient experience to be the expert i claim to be. That my self doubt and imposter syndrome is just that and nothing real.  I know i've prepared and i know it just a little bit more to go.

I know deep down that once i've done it i will feel exhilirated, that i've achieved another milestone, that its another notch on my belt.   Even more importantly i will say to myself to do this again another time - not only to speak at another conference but to always keep stepping out of that comfort zone.

Thats why i signed up i guess.

It will work out.

You'll find out next week. Wish me luck.

Tonight i miss my first love

Its a wierd feeling tonight. Somewhat different to what i have been feeling for the last few years.

I met the first love of my life at university. we bonded over a mechanical chicken who could do the Micheal Jackson, over a Ball where i was the princess in the red dress, over crazy conversations and eyes that sparked with life as they met.

We were together for five years and we learnt to love, we learnt to hurt and we tried ever so hard to make it work. I do not think either one of us had lived enough at that time, or learnt the life lessons that we needed to learn. It was a hard breakup and we disappeared for many many years.

I traveled the world, made my career work, met many a man and had an infinite adventure. You found your own way in the world,  you found many women to love and made friends worth a lifetime.

I do not know what you are upto right now.

I do know that i miss you, i want to be with you, i think we went our separate ways and that now its time for us to come together.

We had passion, we had love, we had something.

I've never felt that with anyone, you still make my heart race, i want you back.

I'll try once more, your my missions and i want you to be a part of my life .......forever......

I love you......

To make it to B-school or not

Its that contemplative time in life again. I've sorted out my life, i'm happy-ish with friends, ecstatic with my family, happy with work and where i live. I love my life and its all going upwards and forwards.

So there's always that feeling at the back of your mind. What next? What are my passions lying dormant waiting to emerge?

Its coming down to B-schools. I feel the timing is right. I feel its what i truly want. I wanted to stay here at one stage to meet a man. But the thing is you gotta keep living your life. Staying still doesn't mean you will meet him. He could be anywhere in the world.

So i'll start on the study and the labourous hours of B-school applications. I know i can make it. I know i will get in. Heck - i even know i'll figure out a way to make it happen.

So right now i'm thinking of buying an apartment where i live. Not my own that i rent but another to rent out myself. The checkout for two years letting the renters take care of my world.  I could take a loan, i;ve heard that Harvard students are not much of a credit risk.

And what do i want to get out of it all? I want to be with the best. I want to push myself. I want to feel alive. I want to survive on a couple of hours of sleep and love every moment.

And this man that i am supposed to meet. Here or there or anywhere. He will be here or there. We will meet. I just need to be true to myself and that is head down and following my passions.

So little by little i'll pull the pieces of the puzzle together and make it happen.

The Ultimate Dream

Looking on ten years from now this is what the ideal life looks like:

* A doting husband who i have and still am in love with
* Sharing a healthy lifestyle and fitness routine with that doting      husband
* A bundle of joy to share our lives with
* A fully fledged charity that is making a difference
* A ivy league MBA
* A collection of properties
* A corner office overlooking the city skyline
* A bedroom overlooking serene ocean views
* Retired parents that are healthy and happy

On Forming Alliances

Its been another one of those days that ends in cake and a glass of wine while sneaking in a tad bit of a fitness routine in stolen moments. Its interesting, i'm making the world spin and have the blood rushing through my veins.

I find myself ringing up CEO's, establishing alliances, discussing business models and tactic to take the market place by storm.  With my headset on, confidence bringing i make things happen. I'm learning again and thriving and i love it. Its full-filling, its exciting and makes it all worthwhile.

I think every career path chosen needs to have an element of learning, of developing new skills for it to be that full filling and its those moments that make me feel like i made the right decision. By title i feel like its a step backards, at other times i am pushing so hard it scares me because the fall is from a pretty high place. At the end of the day though i have come far, it hasn't all been a fluke and i know what i am doing.

When you reach beyond the stars , even if you miss, you will land within the stars!

Waiting for the drought to end..

Its been a little while without much of a dating life. The last guy was from the plane, on my way to NZ. The blood doctor who i jumped into bed with a little too quick who never exactly called. Not that i blame him, i was there for but a few days and i barely knew him.

So i've signed up to rsvp again. Collecting men and kiss's, hoping that in this collection is a diamond in the rough and yet another collection of dates. 

Lately though i've been getting pickier or is it becoming more monotone.  There are a few there on email with the promise of tomorrow's. Perhaps soon they will turn to dates and life becomes fullfilling once more.

Hot desi chicks and their three figure salaries

Somewhere along the way, a small minority became and elite minority. The sons and daughters of the immigrants who ventured to a new land for prosperity and happiness have made it in the western world.

Sneaking a peak into the lives there is a successful group of young women, emerging from the sidelines. The success and those three figure salaries are almost accidental out of expectation, if not for the years of hard work and slog that lay in the past.

So with confidence brimming, earning enough to live that luxurious life and buy all the jimmy choo's one could dream of, these girls are the first to make it to the boardroom, to stand on their own two feet and smash that glass ceiling. They love their families, see no barriers and their sheer brillience just shines through.

But what of the men? Why are they all so single? Why is it always a date or two, never a third or a month or a lifetime?

Have we forgoten how to love?

Nervous Energy

And sometimes you step out of your comfort zone in order to really push yourself. You look far into the distance and commit to a challenge which scares you. You commit such that you have no other choice than to tap into that well of courage you have deep within yourself.

When failure is not an option, you know you can do it.

So i'm a great presenter, I have always been. From the strategy sessions in the corporate boardrooms of billion dollar empires to pitching that multi million dollar deal to a key client, i have been there and done that. I have made it and always succeeded.

I know what i am talking about. I've got the experience, the depth, the knowledge, the public speaking capacity to get there!

I love my life. I love the opportunity. I love that i can make it happen. That i make the steps to be who i want to be.

Sometimes i pretend we are together

My dearest David,

We spent but three nights together but sometimes i dream of a life for you and I. In my dreams, we live a whole other life.

We've been together for three years, sometimes on and off but we keep coming back to each others arms because we are meant to be and while its hard, we work it out and make it work. You live in Sydney, I in Melbourne, but we both travel enough such that we spend more than half the week together. Sometimes i come home and you surprise me by turning up and my place and vice versa.

You have dreams, aspirations and i admire you. Your successful and you love me. We have wildly intellectual conversations while sipping red wine.

In my dreams we have a whole life together. Sometimes i even tell people about you. All your details, what you used to do, what you do now, how we make it work, how your currently sitting at home waiting for me to come home.

Isn't it funny that your alive in my dreams, that your living a second life you do not even know of.

Sometimes i wish i could exist in your world.

Am i walking backwards?

This backwards steps i seem to be taking lately , what is it all about?

Am i about to burn out?

Is this too much?

Is this what i enjoy? Am i just pretending?

Have my pretensions become so real that even i am fooled?

What do i want to be?

Where do i want to be?

With whom do i want to be with?

Another you an I

So we end up here, in my place, but nothing happens

But i know your a great guy, only the best at heart, so much to happen , life goes well.

I hope one day we can work out, that perhaps we are meant to be together.

Who knows? But i do know, i like you, and i think you like me

Do we really need more than that?

I wish we could run away together

We get along so well you and I. We have conversations that transend time, that open our minds, that gives me that intellectual high.

And those flirty moment between us, the passion in there, the chemistry too.

Perhaps not trust. You hurt me once and lately, your hitting on my friend.

And i react, i find others, i run away too.

Neither of us is perfect, yet we are perfect for each other. I think that however we will never be, for neither of us will take that step to open out hearts.

So from the sidelines we will ache at the fact that we get along so well...

With the wind beneath my feet racing through life

Its been one of those weeks where its up, its down, its stressful, its exciting , it rewarding and most of all exhilarating. Feeling alive once more due to the abundance of odd quirky moments where you can but laugh.

So was it meeting that cute doctor on the plane who just happened to know the best places to go for a quiet drink over some live music in Christchurch or was it getting stuck in customs and letting half the world help me out. Perhaps it was that moment where we distracted the cab driver by giving him ice cream or the moment where we realised wine bottles could not be taken on international flight so started giving it away to random friendlies.

It was one of those weeks, speeding through airports, dining with CEO's, playing pool in illicit places, drinking cocktails and five star hotels.

Getting home life is no different, musicals, personal trainers, body pump classes, a walk along the beach with a good friend and jogging a few km's along a beautiful lake.

Its what i call a wonderful week & weekend.

One of those weeks....

Speeding through life on the back of your motorbike

Once a long time ago, i was speeding through the wonders of Goa on the back of your motor bike, with the wind in my hair. I clutched onto you as we sped by the little towns, through paddy fields and beautiful mountains, beaches and curious minds.

I felt so special, i felt so alive. I saw the wonder in the others eyes. Was it because of us and what we shared, was it that you were so powerful or was it something in myself, that glint in our eyes?

What i do know is that i felt alive. It was one of those moments where you know the memory will linger with you forever. I loved the feel of your bare skin, i loved the wind through my hair, i loved the world that i was apart of.

I knew i did not belong, i knew that the moment was fleeting, but it was that moment where i got to star in my very own fairytale.

I still think that all the heartache that followed was worth it. Its moments like that where you feel so alive, where you appreciate the finer things, that you grow, that you smile, that you know you have lived.

Success breeds more success

There is a saying, "you got to have money to make money"

Similarly i feel success works the same way. You suddenly make it and a rush of support and opportunities flow your way to push you even further trajecting you even further than the pack.

Growing up the encouragement, the expectations and the investment in my education got me to where i did. Graduating from the No. 1 university in Australia with a coupe of honours degrees with a number of global liasons and work experience's in my backup, i walked straight into the world of multinational entreprises and succession management.

Having already been identified as having too much talent to be a evryday naysayer, i was thrust upon more training courses, more experiences to challenge and grow, more money to pursue my dreams. Life with all its self made challenges carefully designed to boost that ego and grow as a person, perfectly cushioned on a bed of clouds saw me on a high speed train through the corporate ladder while others just grunted along.

Never a complain, the opportunities just appeared at my door.

Sometimes you just need a boost to succeed. Someone that cares, someone that believes in you, someone that challenges you, yet provides a soft landing for those inevitable failures that only lead to even greater destinies. I am lucky to have had all this, for having made my mark at such a young age such that the world could spiral and i could spiral with it.

Its time to give something back. Encourage, contribuite, do my thing for those that may not have had the same opportunities at their door.

Someone to look upto, admire and idolise

Almost a decade ago i met a girl, and although she does not know it, she altered my life. She was funky, she was stylish, she was confident, she was beautiful and all the boys and girls loved her. She was a fellow engineer, a few years ahead of me and her career choices and attitude made such a difference in attitude to my life.

I idolise her to this day. Following in her footsteps in my own way through work experiences, traversing the world and finding inspiration in her spirit as she grows with age.

She has a man, a life, a career and all that i could want. Its rare to find a women in this world who has trodden on a similar path to your own that you can aspire to be.

While she does not know it, i admire and look upto her from a far.

Another somebody falls away

I can feel you slipping away. Perhaps it was something i said, perhaps it was something i did not say. I can seem mean and tough at times but i'm all soft on the inside, it just takes a while to get to that.

Or am i blaming myself out of insecurity?

I've been waiting for a mail from you. I've missed you. I've been anxious. Now i'm saying goodbye.

I didn't really know you so well but you were hopping into my world.

Pity that was it. On saturday i will delete you forever.

Goodbye to you.

Another dear david

I sent you a note the other week with an outright lie. I told you i was maried.

We are not even talking so why would i tell you that. You wished me well. Perhaps one day we would be friends.

Remember those few nights we spent together. We had fun. I had fun, i really think you did too. I hated how you disapeared. I let myself down by letting you in repeatedly.

I have a new crush on a man. I'm just waiting for a response from him. He's a good guy tho -- he will respond.

David -- i still miss you at times. My little white lie means we will never be together. Not that you probably would have ever called back.

I don't think your all that you made yourself out to be. But i'm not looking for all that. I just thought we had a spark. I want to sit on the floor sipping red wine, eating takeout and watching the world go by.

Its too late now. Life has moved us on.

Feeling anxious

Sometimes i wonder if it is just me. Everytime i'm waiting for a guy, weather its an email, phonecall, some sort of smile or sign, i'm anxious and on the edge of my seat until i get a response.

Is it insecurity? Is it something else?

So i'm waiting for him to contact me. Say hello. Say something.

We moved to facebook and it allows you to spy on another life. Its also exposing yourself. Is he rejecting me or is he just busy?

I wait i wait i wait....

We've moved from email to facebook

So my arranged email dude suggested we become facebook friends. The anticipation of emails, it lingers on the background but your now exposed to this voyouristic view of someone else's life. We learn about each other in leaps and bounds, and in anticipation wonder if one of us will reject.

So he is a bit smaller and skinnier than i would like. Yet still nice and build and fit but you know how it is. But then - is that so important?

And our lives - ever so different. He reminds me of my little sister who has stayed in a city long enough to build those deep and meaningful friendships, where life becomes one party after another.

I'm grappling with the fact that he lives with his parents at 30 years of age, yet he owns a massive home in his name so is that excused.

Only time will tell if we will work, if he is still into me, if i am still into him...

Another night passes by

It was you and I for a moment in time. When we first got together i thought you had eyes just for me.

But i think my lust has once again misplaced my senses. This time a mess of a friendship circle where i trust neither you nor her. I keep it in not knowing what to do.

You flirted with both of us on saturday night. And then when i run off with another you wonder why things did not go your way. That moment where you held my hand and i held yours, we had a moment. Then we gave it away.

I don't trust you anymore. I don't even want to know you.

So all of this got me thinking. What is it that we should look for in a man? You know the life partner to spend the rest of your days with?

The brillient business, successful lawyer who takes charge, brims with confidence and arrogance, for these men, women are mere tokens. The world of glamour, luxury hotels and airport lounges - will they really be the ones to tend to you when your sick in bed or will they be the first to run to greener pastures. The world of extravagance plays on you, you become something else. Cocktail functions and "no spouse" parties do but breed a certain culture.

Then there are those men, down to earth, pleasant, not going to rock your world but will love you, will be there and will make your heart yearn with kindness. These are the men with backbones built of right and wrong, perhaps a little geeky, perhaps not confident or exciting.

While there won't be any running off to a tropical island at the spur of a phonecall or risking your life for that "moment" or intellectual conversations discussing the latest acquisition or takeover -- these are the men that may always be there.

So if through friends, if through work you get to have these brillient conversation where your intellectually stimulated, you get to run your own world and achieve great things, do you really need a man like that at home? Isn't it better to go for the latter and merely interact with the man who lives in stripclubs with a mistress on the side?

Is this giving up trust and hope or is this that my wild oats have been sowed...

A fine line between friendship and something more

All this emailing, it's getting a bit much. Why don't you just pick up the phone and call.

Slowly, slowly you are unknowingly making it into that friend area and once there, its unthinkable to ever go back.

We seem to get along, have the same sense of humour, you could be just another of my uni friends from the days gone by. Yes - the ones that will always be a friend and nothing more.

I like men with guts and confidence, with the drive to call me up and make things happen. Is the fact that you hold back now a clue to what't to come. The one vice i have is a man who asks for permission in bed, is this where this is heading or will we ever even get there?

So as always my mind is going at a million miles an hour.

I really think you should drop it all and just give me a call...

Dear David

I choose to write to you here and not to the real you. I guess you do not want to hear from me. I think.

So i just wanted to say hello, see how you are, have a chat. I wanted to let you know that once i thought you were my world but that i no longer do, but that i still hold you in high regard, in some sort of way in my confused state of mind.

I really liked you back then. I am careful with my words, i say like because it was more lust and some sort of innocence i had back then that had a tendency to be shaded which brought on those feelings.

At the back on my mind i know that you do not care. That i was just another girl, not even.

I've grown up. Got over you. You don't count. Why am i still thinking of you - I'm not quite sure.

Sometimes i wish i never met you - but i guess life is all about lessons, and lessons i did learn from knowing you.

I hope your life is going well. I no longer think your right for me. I still think of you with fondness, memories of another time.

I don't even want to be friends. I like writing to the wind.

That occasional emotional outburst. Its not for the man of my dreams for i think i have met him now , its just for pure reflection.

I'm a different person now. You'll never know that though...

An introduction as such

My mother has decided its time to find me a man.

And perhaps she see's through me and see's that, that is what i am looking for.

So i am emailing a man. We get along so well, we seem so similar.

Anticipation of his next mail. Contemplating what i will write back.

Smile smile smile.

I like him. I really really like him.

living in a bubble

I've decided to become a personal trainer. Not to change career, not to find a source of income where i "love what i do", but simply because i could. It seemed interesting, i wanted to learn and i just happened to have the money to make it happen.

Life is beautiful and i am becoming more appreciative of this each day.

In my personal training course i meet all sorts of people. Fork lift drivers, relief school teachers, security guards, sales assistants and so on. They want a change, they are in search of a career they would love.

I am but a mere observer, simply able to afford to take my fancies to what i want to learn. Imagine you have it all already, money is not an issue, work makes you excited and you love your life? Thats where i am right now.

Family, friends, work, life, play - Its all idillic, its so perfect, its everything i want. I feel like an audrey hepburn - thriving in a paris hilton world!

I thank my parents for giving me the courage to be different and that stable base to fall back on in the unfathomable instance that i may fail trying to do the impossible.

Everything is possible. Strive for the stars as even if you don't reach them, you are so far above the world that your dreams can still come true.

Its me, now and always. In my beautiful apartment, in my world where i am everything i want to be, the envy of the world. I may be the luckiest girl in this whole wide world.

:)

The barriers are so high that no one will ever get in

Life is so perfect, its untouchable. I am untouchable.

I cry because i have forgotten how to let others in. I live a solitary life full of people that do not really care for me. I love my family - I miss my family.

What does one know when one has made it and they are not fulfilled.

It hurts me that dad is lying alone in hospital, that we cannot be there 24/7.

Sometimes its the tough times that bring out who we truly are. i want to look after my parents, not because i have to but because i want to.

Can i let anyone in ever? Have i got so used to being on my own that its all i know now? H=Can i handle the getting together?

Do i want a lankan man that understands family values, that i will always look after them for i love them so much.

I forgive for all that has happened. I hold know grudges. They did the best they could and really, they have been more than successful. I am everything i could wish to be and its my parents that brought me here.

It an emotional time.

the world as it is

My dad lays in a hospital recovering down in kew while my mum sleeps in Jacana. I'm in my apartment down st kilda rd and my sister a mere ten minutes away in her own place.

How the world does evolve. The four of us, once together, now apart.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Feeling anxious once again

I got to start learning to enjoy these feelings. So there is a man again - this time i barely know him and i am dreaming of possibilities. This is where i go wrong, can't contain myself.

I should just be enjoying the ride and seeing where life takes me.

He feels right, it all feels right this time.

I can't wait to meet him.

But this is it. I just know it.

Third Culture Kids

I read an article today on third culture kids and it so resonated with me.

My parents moved countries at a young age and i had a number of changes through life. Changing cities as a kid to moving schools as my parents figured out the world.

And if it wasn't for that i wouldn't be who i am today - that girl who breezes through the world from airports to five star hotels to airport lounges with such ease. Another day another country all with a smile on her face. Everyday is an adventure and thats what i crave.

Some people say that the glimmer of business travel soon dies away into a beer belly, lonely hotel rooms and not enough sleep. Somehow after more than five years in the game i'm energetic as ever if not more, fitter than you 9-5 desk jockey with an expanse of time for the gym they never find the motivation to attend and happy and healthy.

Other parts resounded true with the article - being a mature kid and growing up late in the twenties. That fear or attachment or detachment and that feeling of not belonging anywhere and feeing like you could belong everywhere.

I crave to meet my match one day, to meet a man but perhaps not settle down in the ordinary way. I want to be a global wanderer with my man, and kids -- i dont know if they fit at all. I don't know if i want them to.

I think to what my parents have with me, the way i will look after them as they start getting older ad looking that little bit frail and needing help -- will i be all alone in the world if i do not pass on that little bit of myself. Is that the right reason if i have no others for wanting to bring a kid into the world.

There is no wonder about them, no maternal instinct that wants to nurture and watch them grow. I'm 28 and i don't look at happy families and wish it for me.

Every article like this gets me one step closer to knowing myself a bit more and understanding my world. May what i need in a man is someone just like me, a global nomad.

Listening to that inner voice

Somewhere along the way i realised that you were not all that you made out to be. Lust getting in the way of professionalism, my normally impeccable instinct shielded by sexual chemistry between us.

And we danced our dance and had our time. My brilliance, your brilliance, we made a team. You were a mentor as well as a crush.

And then one day the admiration started drawing blanks and i started questioning your integrity, weather i could really trust you.

You treated me well, you were an amazing mentor and a great boss, but the time has come for me to fly away.

People work for moments in time, and ours is over.

The allure of the unavailable

Dear David's and the Max's of the world...

I fall head over heels with you, yet it is not you that i fall so hard in love with. Those moments convincing myself that you were my soulmate were not all that real. The allure of your unavailabilty, or the fact that we would need to move oceans, climb mountains, transcend cultures to make it work. That was but the appeal and perhaps i was or still am not ready for a relationship and this is my way of clouding it.

I still miss you

To my dear David, i still think of you, i see your face in all aspects of life.

There is something linking you and I. I wish you would see that we belong together.

But right now i put my efforts elsewhere, move on with life, meet other men, have fun with my friends, have a smile on my face.

Deep down i think you and I would work. I miss you. I love you.

If only you did too.

Why don't you just call me?

So we caught up and i thought we had a lovely time?

We would be great together?

I would love to see you again?

But perhaps i was mistaken, perhaps you did not feel the spark.

Why don't you just call me?

Enjoying the moment

Whist i may at times look back, despite the way it may seems most of the times i am living the best times of my life right now. No longer the awkward & gawky girl, no longer with the money troubles or the compromise, no longer with the anticipation of what the future will hold, what others may think.

Its that confidence within yourself. Its when you know your surrounded by beautiful friends. Its when you love where you live, the car you drive, the career you hold, the clothes you wear and your bank balance.

This is where i want to be. Sure i get upset by this guy or that - but then i get just as excited dating another one.

Truth be told i don't crave for the past for this is the best time of my life.

To have a friend again

Remember the days of laughter and giggles at absolutely nothing. Remember the adventures spend achieving zilch but the mere memory still brings on cramps from laughing so hard.

So in the past month i met a girl that was just like me. Its like we had known each other forever, the girlfriend i had been missing all along.

Wacky wonderful moments...

I'm not going to call him

Its yet another night, another man, another potential life.

this time i'm following the rules. I won't call him.

The many yesterdays long gone

And today i was searching through my past for contacts from long ago. A business trip taking me to the other side of the world. A place of past significance.

And i could tell through my trip back through memory lane that times had changed. Emails long forgotten, pages and pages of notes, missing each other, describing one anothers life, the effort and the will. Emails of love long lost, of the passion and intensity of hurt, of caring and of spending the time to show that you do. Tears flow freely as i read, remembering a time when these walls which surround me didn't exist. When the walls surrounding my friends and lovers did not exist.

These days life is described in facebook status messsages, with an sms in 160 characters, with a glance at a photo in a newsfeed. These days i wait for the phone to ring because otherwise he's just not into me. These days we all have three hundread friends but know not any all that well.

There are many men

There are many men right now. Who is it to be, someone in the past, present or future. Anything can happen.

I'm comfortable, i don't need a man as such. Financially stable, my life together, things could not be more perfect.

So who is that elusive perfect man to spend the rest of my life with.

The cutie at work that makes me smile, the flashback from the past that knows me so well or the man of the moment who make up my day dreams or the man that is long gone that i still think about.

The cutie at work, Mr T, with the perfect amount of nerdiness and ambition and cute that i've already fallen for him.  I think he's cute, i think he's brilliant, i enjoy asking for his help and i think he definitely enjoys helping me.  I am all fondness for this man.

And then the flashback from the past. Imagine lazing back with your best friend, discussing the ways of the world, the architecture of happiness with your best friend. Imagine hours passing by, simply feeling like minutes....

And what of the man of the moment. The accidental wake up in the arms of a man who still treats you well and keeps you guessing.  The one who seems so compatible and meets that whole checklist you had in your mind. What do you do when your faced with a male version of yourself?

And then there is the man that seems long gone, a certain Dvid symons that i fell head over heels for who entered and left my life just as abrupt. I miss him too as i felt we had something.  I felt that together we would have been powerful together.......

So one day it will be one of these many or none of these men or some one entirely new or old....Life will unfold and only time will hold the essence of the truth....

A modern day fairy tale

Imagine a world where it was not sleeping beauty rescued by her knight in shining armor nor a snow white saved by her prince charming.

Imagine a world where women have their own, living in bachlerette pads in sleek apartments, high profile globetrotting careers, designer handbags and a line up of men. 

Imagine a world where your blackberry holds the keys to your life, where its one call after another, where the adrelene of the business world runs through your veins. 

Life is beautiful and yet so hard al at the same time.

On Falling for a man yet again

Expectation, anticipation, fear, excitement.

That smile on your face. 

Yes its hard, yes its amazing, yes all is at stake while the world is also at your fingertips.

That is the feeling of falling for a man. There is no going back, no going forward, just a matter of riding through and seeing where life takes you.

Life, Life, Life

One man, many crushes, and a little longing.

I wonder where David is, i wonder if he thinks of me? I wonder if he craves for me?

Another year over, a new one just beginning

To think a decade has passed. Exactly ten years ago, it was the end of an era. I was with my best firends, school had just finished and we were about to embark on our future, leaving childhood behind and entering that new phase.

Wide eyed, it was cheers to us. With a hint of the y2k bug, the first moments of savouring a little bit of alcohol, of laughs and tears, we entered another decade.

Ten years on, i am all alone. My best friends, we went our own ways. Still in the same city, i wonder if they even think of me these days. Life has changed, we have lived, we have not shared our moments, we have become everything we wanted to be and everything we did not.

As i sit here all alone on new years eve, i think this is not the life i want forever. In ten years from now i want a doting man, perhaps a family but most of all, to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of another.

Who knows what life will bring, i'll welcome the new year with a smile.

On joining one crazy multinational

Think 2am calls, working around the clock, traversing time-zones and making the world your playground. Surrounded by brilliance and urgency, crazy schedules and falling behind for the first time in a long time, i step aside for a moment to catch my breath.

Is this what i want? Is this the price to be paid for success? Well actually i think it is what i want. The rush, the adreline, the excitement, the challenge. Its all apart of my life once more. 

Finally where i want to be, where i belong...

Sometimes life takes you on a journey of all levels of being all that is good and successful that you loose sight of where you ultimately belong.

I feel like all my life, a silver spoon has dished out a cushy life, sheltering with its gleen the passion which lies within.

For the first time i feel like this is where i belong. 

lying next to a man

There are moments in life. When you awake and find yourself lying next to a man, and he is within reach and just the touch of him makes you warm inside.

When he decides to hold you in his arms you rejoice.

And thats all you need....ever.. his arms protectively encompassing the essence of you....

Sometimes passion and love sucks

With tears in my eyes i say this for i have let the pride inside of me win.

Life has always worked out. Career, family, friendships, success, its like i have a map for the trajectory of sucess and all i need to do is float along. Love however is another thing. 

Ok the real reason i am even writing this post is that my feelings are hurt, i am hurting and there is a man that has broken my heart.

Maybe i did all the wrong things, maybe i don't know how to pull a man, maybe i was too eager or put too much pressure on. But its still hurts. He never got to know me, never really cared. I miss him now and i missed him lots. I have hated that i have missed him but non the less if he were to contact me right now my heart would light up and i would have a smile on my face.

I dont know if i should walk away, to give up. I sometimes wonder, this could be a chance of a lifetime to be happy, to be with my perfect man, do i let it go for pride and some stupid rules on love. Or do i lay myself out open to get hurt more and more. 

What do i stand to loose? I have already lost my pride. 

The answer is that i'm not sure. I don't know him so well, he does not know me. In some ways he represents who i want to be but not necessarily who i want to be with as a lover.    But oh how i would love to have him as a lover.

That night we spent together, with his body close to mine, with his arms around me, with knowing i could reach out at any moment and he would me mine. That was priceless. But so fleeting for he is here one moment and gone another. And he does not look back, he does not crave me, he so easily walks away. 

Without bothering to understand, without caring that he hurt me. 

I don't know. I just don't know.

I fell for a David Symons and he let me down.

Mistaking admiration for love

Its one of those small epiphanies which makes for a life changing turn in life.

To all the Max's and David's in the world, i have figured out. These men that i fall so hard for within moments, perhaps i am simply mistaking admiration for love.

He is everything i want to become in life. Am i filling in a gap? Am i mistaking a mentor for a lover?  Is it all one way? Am i not as interesting to him? Am i not bringing much of my own to the table.

And he said -- you are not someone i think i want to spend fifteen hours a week with at least for the rest of my life. And as harsh and painful as that is, its what i need to walk away.

Happy happy happy and only a little sad

Somewhere along the way i learnt to cook, hold dinner parties and became one of those people that one does not want to invite to dinner as they cannot cook as well. The stylish home, the status, the lifestyle, how did i suddenly come to have it all?

Life is going well, mainly except for a few blips in the man radar. Life is happy, life is full-filling. Life is fun and games. 

friendships under the radar

Without even noticing, they have built up. I am part of a team, i am one of them. Mutual respect, determination and timing. 

I'll miss them. They may be worlds apart but years of working together, joking around daily, being a team. I will miss them much.

A stage in my life is ending, i must move on, they must move on. 

Life ........ one day it will make sense.

Things i will not say to you

Dear David

You make my heart race, you make my daydreams come alive, you bring a smile to my lips. The heartache of certain moments seem almost bearable for those savored moments in time.

In a lot of ways you make a whole lot of sense when i think about it. I have not known you for very long, there is lots to know and lots to build. 

From the deepths of my heart i realise what i crave for is not even sustainable. That on must get to know and get to know another before making any commitments. You have withstood these unecessary pressure's well.

Time, space, getting to know each other is the way forward. I know where your priorities are and i too think its best to take our time, see if the conversations evolve, if we are meant to be. 

This is a turning point in my life, this understanding of what goes wrong. In all aspects of life hardwork, patience and timing is key and in matters of the heart its all the more important to think it through. 

Hearts get trampled everyday. I will still wear mine on my sleeve and lay it out for you to touch. 

I still think of you with a smile and i will call you sometime. I know you will answer with a smile and we will take it slow and take out time. We will let time decide whats to be.

I'll still smile when i think of you.

Feeling alive

Like a butterfly flying free from her cacoon, i feel completely alive.

Something has happened, something is happening.

Life is just moments to savour, with a new job in towe, a new place to live and a realisation of the one that is the love of my life, things are only looking up.

Something has started, something is happening

I am excited. I am happy